Will's New Blog

2007-12-18T14:13:00.000-05:00

So a lot has occurred in the last few days which has made me think about life. At first, things were very tough, but once time went by it is better to understand everything as a whole in order to get through particular situations. Times will be rough, but they'll be okay. My problem at first was accepting a future change. Like, I literally couldn't believe it. I mean, it was complete shock. It left me confused and frightened. I hadn't the faintest clue what could come next. I didn't care. I was in so much pain. But deep down inside, I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. I have always lived by those five words. After constant moments of burying my head in the pillow, I had to just face it. She's going to be fine, and so will I. For some dreadful reason, I kept seeing it as the end of the world. Like nothing could ever follow, but life will. She'll go off and I'll stay and work as hard as I can to make my life happy. I'll always think about her, but I'll always think of myself as well. I'm happy for her. And she wants me to be happy for myself - which I will. But I don't blame her at all. She did nothing wrong and I want her to know that. You cannot help what you want, because if you do not try to get what you want, then you settle down and it never happens, and you realize how much of a waste it was to let life go by and never have the chance to grip life by the balls or ovaries. She won't let life go by and neither will I. I too will experience the world and grab life by the balls or ovaries. But with the risk I run of this sounding cliche, I don't care: she will always be in my heart. If I can't have her, then I don't want anyone else. She's the love of my life, and if it turns out that it was never to be, then I had my one great love of this world. I know she'll be happy where she goes, and I do want to keep closely in touch, but I don't want to be the monkey on her back when she's searching for herself. I've always admired how strong she was. Even if she doesn't admit it, when I look at her, I see a very strong, intellectual, funny, beautiful, young woman.

I must realize that I'm only 20 as well. There's so much ahead of me. I've always had everything planned in my head. Well, I need to stop planning and start living. My epic film won't write and direct itself. And I really enjoy helping people through their rough times. I really feel like I need to help sometimes. If I can fix my own fucked up life, then I know I can help others. There's just some sense of joy that comes from making someones tears turn into laughs.. especially if those laughs are those which last forever in your mind.

I really don't know what else to say except that when you think about life, you just have to smile to make the insanity go away.

2007-11-21T17:22:00.000-05:00

I've recently found my way into J.G. Ballard's writing. He's more than "the guy who wrote the novel Crash." I bought J.G. Ballard: A User's Guide to the Millennium and it has some of the greatest written analysis of film that I've ever read:

On Billy Wilder:

"Wilder's films, dominated by their bitter-sweet dialogue and filled with the theatrical characters who always seem aware of their audience, are untypical of anything in today's cinema."

On Psycho:

"Psycho, is one of the most powerful films ever made, a psychotic Little Red Riding Hood in which Granny disguises herself as the wolf. Chandler, Fitzgerald, and Faulkner could never have written the script and would have ruined the film."

Connecting Blue Velvet and Psycho:

"Blue Velvet, like Psycho, follows the trajectory of the drug trip. Paranoia rules, and motiveless crimes and behavior ring true in a way that leaves a traditionally constructed movie with its well-crafted plot, characters and story looking not merely old-fashioned but untrue."

Film as a Medium:

"Cinema was then a public medium, watched by audiences made up of complete strangers, and the restrictions accorded with the conventions of ordinary social life - on those occasions when we stray into the bedroom of a strange woman we usually find, alas, a husband with one foot on the floor in the approved Hays manner. Now, though, cinema is becoming a private medium. We watch on video either alone or with one or two intimates, and the imaginative demands for greater sexual freedom are all the more urgent - needless to say, I think there should be more sex and violence on television, not less. Both are powerful catalysts of social change, at a time when change is desperately needed."

Cinema Today

"Hollywood today seems set on returning to the simple and unsophisticated spectacle of the nickelodeon era, when my grandfather's generation gazed in amazement at express trains speeding over viaducts. Fortunes are now spent on the kind of computerized special effects that appeal to the Super Nintendo mind-set of the present-day twelve-year-old, for whom adult relationships, political beliefs, and the bitter-sweet ambiguities of love and loyalty - the magical stuff of Casablanca - are as remote and boring as the kabuki theatre."

This is what I love reading about! He's absolutely right about cinema today. I'm tired of seeing these big Blockbusters: Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean, Spiderman, etc. I'm sick of seeing these movies advertised. All the money going into advertising can go into production cost and maybe some good movies can be made. What am I saying, we're talking about Jerry Bruckheimer, Paramount and Dreamworks. I read that Tom Cruise is the CEO of United Artists. That is a shame, because the company was founded by D.W. Griffith, Charlie Chaplin, Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford. These individuals are golden cinema legends who built a company that is now in the hands of a raving Scientologist freak. Not to mention all founders were considered the first individuals who formulated art into cinema. And now Tom Cruise is in charge.

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We just ended the winter season for the Gordon Theatre with Brecht On Brecht. I really don't know how to express my emotions towards the play. From the audition onward, I struggled. This was a production that not only challenged me as an actor, but as a person. I didn't want to just say Brecht's poems, I wanted to literally absorb the meaning and live them out on stage. Some, I felt were quite successful, but others I felt myself fading back into the actor's mind-set which gave the illusion away. The main way one can tell when an actor is trying to recollect his/her lines is when they are seen as an actor though the audience eye. I tried to eliminate the actor in me to deliver a performance. But I worked so hard to build up an actor mind-set for the role that it kept pestering me to the point where it showed in the role. Brecht, himself claimed that no one had ever been able to achieve his persuasion of Mother Courage. Maybe this was so, because everyone tried to be Mother Courage. He wrote the role a certain way and everyone might have been trying too hard to be her that no one took in account that maybe it should occur naturally. In Brecht On Brecht, I tried being Filch from Threepenny Opera. I have not read the entire play, just the part with Filch. I constantly watched the greatest minds of the silent era: Chaplin and Keaton, and yet I still could not pull off the role (in my mind at least). Now, I'm not praising method acting whatsoever. In fact, I'm saying the opposite of what Strasberg and many others wrote about. Similar to that of Anti-Theatre, I'm hencing sort of a Anti-Actor. Brecht touched on this subject very well in his theory: The Alienation Effect. Brecht says,

"The actor does not allow himself to become completely transformed on the stage into the character he is portraying. He is not Lear, Harpagon, Schweig; he shows them. He reproduces their remarks as authentically as he can; he puts forward their way of behaving to the best of his abilities and knowledge of men; but he never tries to persuade himself that this amounts to a complete transformation. Once the idea of total transformation is abandoned, the actor speaks his part not as if he were improvising it himself but like a quotation."

Acting in this play really changed my whole mind-set as a actor. During The Old Hat, I wanted to really portray Filch, but I realized that even if I did, no one would understand who I was. In fact, finally after so many bad rehearsals, I decided to solely listen to the lines and act them out as I heard them. I was merely a puppet with words being tugs at strings forcing me to move. Like I said before, theatre is at its best when not trying to please an audience. That is a really strong Brechtian philosophy, because he thought about theatre with a fourth-wall. This is one of his mainstream theories: basically the performance act as though a wall is set up between the audience and the performance space. Everything should occur naturally as though an audience is not present. Now what is awesome is that the wall can be broken once reality has been sustained on stage. We did this in Brecht on Brecht with certain pieces gripping reality and then we broke the wall allowing the production to take place within the audience. I don't think I will ever look at another role the same ever again. I have great memories of this show, great friendships, great stories, and yet all of this did not occur to me until midway through our week of performing. And then before I knew it, the play was over. Many people claimed the play was short and they wanted it longer. Well, rehearsals were too short and I wish they had been longer now. Everything about this performance makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I grow depressed thinking about how no other show can give me the feelings that this one gave me. And yet, I'm being too pessimistic. Theatre IS about change. Change is good, because it serves as means of perfecting. I can take Brecht's methods and continue them, adding in certain beliefs of my very own. I think anyone who aspires to act would to this play. Amy and I are very excited about seeing more Brecht plays.

I remember at one point, Dan grew furious with Lauren and Jenna B's piece, because he wanted them to speak as though they were talking to many listeners. He said many times, "Stop reciting poetry! Talk to us as though you were talking to us." At one point, Dan asked everyone to sit on the floor in front of them to add in a visual sight to speak at. He did the same for my piece where I voyage into the audience. At first, I hated going into the audience and touching them, but now that I think about it, I really broke down my own fourth-wall. My comfort acted as the wall and once I accepted terms of reality, I broke it down. God I love adopting theatre to life.

I have even taken an interest to adapt Brecht on Brecht to a film. Really, it would lose most of its meaning, but certain pieces are crying out to me to be made into a film - possibly a short. I started brainstorming, but nothing further. I purposed touring Brecht on Brecht to most of the cast members of the show, but they fiercely shot me down. I think it would be cool traveling and presenting this piece to many others, but obviously I was the only member of the cast philosophically touched as a person by the play. At least we should try and put it on at Dad's Garage. Now that would be SO MUCH FUN!

That's all for now...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Mindcutters: A True Story

2007-11-11T10:48:00.000-05:00

Last night, Amy and I went to Atlanta and saw a movie called Wristcutters: A Love Story. The movie was amazing! Like nothing I have ever seen. There's so much to say about the film, but I don't really know how to phrase it and have it sound coherent. The acting, story and message was all quite entertaining. To me, it seemed that after the movie began that it was all over. Too short. Maybe that's life. I've really been talking to myself a lot. I hate lying in bed trying to make yourself go to sleep, and you basically have a conversation going in your head. Maybe the movie was a message about life and how it is actually short. Life has managed to go by pretty fast so far. I hate accepting things, no matter what they are. I think when you accept something, you are basically lowering your craft of reason. Never accept something just because "it is" or "it isn't." I've found myself saying, "Well it's life," but what do I really mean when I say that? When life kicks you in the crotch or tank, you should just lay there and accept the fact that you've been beaten, or do you get back up? Are there more repercussions if you get up? If you stay down? Instead of getting up and moving on, what if you get up and run the opposite directions. I've tried formulating some of these ideas into my new story idea. I think I've learned that there's no use worrying about the future, because once the future becomes present, then the only worries existing are those in the past. The decisions I make now are serious. My thoughts and feelings are dangerously influential. Is there an equilibrium? Can you feed two lions with only one human being? Maybe its more a question of identity. Maybe I should rip a page and accept the "that's life." Maybe accepting doesn't necessarily weaken, but give motivation to push through times. Why does it have to be this way? Past, present and future is itself a routine. It's a never ending routine. We movie onward to the future and hope we know what exists afterwards. The afterlife to me is exactly what you want. When you die, everything you've journeyed upon exists when you die. This kingdom of desire fulfills, not punishes. In other words, when we die, there is an unlimited amount of fresh, warm Krispie Cream doughnuts. The most important part about now is to enjoy it. Because one day it won't be now anymore. Nickelodeon is not the same. I know this, because Amy and I found a book with the first thirty pages dedicated to the shows we grew up with and the rest consisted of new concepts brought forth over the past few years. I remember after my operation, lying in a hospital bed and watching Rocko's Modern Life. Maybe I'm still in the hospital bed. Maybe the reality I'm experiencing now is really happening, but just as an alternative reality. God, I love that movie. Well, that's enough useless rambling for now.

2007-11-04T18:53:00.000-05:00

This week has been the most stressful and irritable week I've had in a while. I decided to chart out my week, so it makes the work appear more drastic than what I am thinking. Monday, we were supposed to be off book for the play. Tuesday, I worked the One-Act play festival from 7:00 to 6:00 and then rehearsed from 7:00 to 10:00. Went home and Wednesday was Halloween and had a Stagecraft test, which was awesome since I studied for it and was also multiple choice. Went home that afternoon to get sleep and came back for rehearsal. On Thursday, I had a Math exam, which I felt very upset after finishing. I got advised by Dan and found that I will be graduating in the Summer. I'll talk about my new classes ina little while. On Friday I worked the One-Act again, but this went from 8:00 to 4:00. I got payed and went to Dad and Lynn's, where I crashed. Got up early again on Saturday to be at the school by 9:00 to work on the Brecht set until 5:00. I came home, watched some Studio 60 and fell asleep. Got up this morning, downloaded some music, went over my lines and went to rehearsal. Hopefully this next week isn't that hectic. But the good news is that I got to see two great plays, was paid $80, received all my favorite classes and found some cool new music.

First I shall discuss the One-Act. I saw two great plays out of 13. That's two more I liked than last year. First was Mr. Kirk's Catholic School Girls. I really enjoyed the play a lot because of great acting and an entertaining story. At one point, wveryone speaks over one another and it reminded me of a Robert Altman film. I really like the overlapping dialogue. The acting was really strong coming from a high school cast. Lauren won for "Best Actress" and I enjoyed watching her and Mr. Kirk both take in the moment. That's something for a director to have an actress win an award. Most of the director's talen shows through the actors. And I know that made him feel really good, which he should feel. Frankly, the way judging is formulated is pretty bad. It's judged on taste. Yet if the winner was decided by the popular vote of the audience, the triumph would still go to Bang Bang, You're Dead, due to the sheer fact their cast and crew took up practically half of the treatre. So, I have nothing to say on the part of judging, except that it's based on taste, which makes it unethical, but that's the society we live in. On Friday, I saw Calloway High School put on Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Even though I had to run lights, I still had my face glued to the stage and was drawn into the performance. I really think it was the greatest one-act I've ever seen. I am a sucker for Absurdist Theatre. All it takes is a judge to not care for it and they lose. And that is just what happened. Except it was three judges. They came in next to last. Instead a play called "Yellow Boat" won. The play was about a kid with aids and had a lot of stupid Sesamee Street pupets, which drew me off for the fact that I'm not a child. And yet the play received a standing ovation by everyone and also tears. It was like an episode of the twilight zone. I was trapped in a world of bad things winning. Wait, is that reality? Usually the losing piece of art is actually greater than the winner. I guess there are exceptions, but if there are, then I guess it blows the whole theory. Maybe I should create a story. Bang Bang Your Dead was awful! I don't know what is worse between the two winners. Bang Bang was 1) Too preachy about how guns are bad, 2) Had a monstrous and distractive set, 3) Annoying acting, 4) Too much damn spectacle, 5) A cast that exceeded our stage capacity. I hate large productions anyways. If it exceeds 40, then make it a movie. I guess I hate "Big Theatre" plays. You can tell the difference when you see one of these productions. I really feel like theatre should be split into "Good Theatre" and "Bad Theatre." Musicals go under bad theatre in case you're wondering. We're doing Brecht on Brecht now and it really makes me appreciate theatre. It seems that the more minimalistic theatre is, the more special it becomes. Yeah, that's it! Really, the more you try and impress an audience, the more it gets away from real theatre. Musicals and big productions are there to make money. The only set peices we have are stools.

The classes are got are great! I was so happy to get the film class. It brings me so much joy knowing that I have the opportunity to study something as great as cinema. I also am taking British Literature with my favorite English professor, Dr. King. He is such a great professor. I could go on and on about his teching methods and his writing, but I won't. I just know that I'm a better writer thanks to him. I'm excited to read new things as well.

Last night I think I achieved REM sleep. This si really weird! I slowly felt myself drift off after I closed my eyes. It was really hard to accept the fact that I was asleep. In fact, I didn't know until I woke. But I was driving on a road at night and it was very hard to see. But out of nowhere, I see a person in front of me, but can't stop in time, so I ram into him. I felt the full impact and everything. I woke and realized it was a nightmare. My heart was beating rapidly and I was sweating badly. I usually sleep in hardly anything, and I have many covers, but hardly ever wake up with that much sweat. It was fear coming out of my pours. I almost didn't drive today, but decided to in the interest of not letting my dreams affect my everyday life. I fell back asleep and dreampt of a Salo-like world in which I saw people tortured and killed. I didn't really worry too much about that one today.

Next Wednesday through Sunday, we put on Brecht on Brecht. I'm a little nervous, but not too much compared to the usual. People were freaking out about the audience being really close, but I just imagine that it's more nervous to be in the audience and have to watch someone really close. I may be wrong. Shit, I'm nervous. Haha. I'm dying to do another intellectual play. Compared to something as boring as Diviners, this is depressingly delightful.

I thought I had more to write about, but I guess not.

2007-10-23T16:56:00.000-04:00

I'm blogging from the Gordon Library this evening for several reasons. I don't want to waste gas and drive home, second I'm bored out of my fucking mind, third I need to study for my history exam tomorrow, and I need to finish getting off book for Brecht On Brecht. Those really are not reasons for blogging in the library, but it is nice and quiet, so it's fine by me.

First I shall discuss the exam. It's 50 multiple choice with no essay (damn to hell!). Dr. Thomas distributed a study guide to everyone in the class. The guide is comprised of 20 key terms. I hate these kinds of study guides, because okay, that means there are either going to be almost four questions pulled from each term, OR other questions will be pulled from other various parts of the lectures. I hate the second, because the study guide is supposed to prepare me for the test, not make me study really hard on a particular area. Maybe I have just been spoiled by other professors who in the past gave me study guides which basically were the test. I thought I did very well on the last one and I received a C. There are only 3 or 4 tests in the class, so I have to do well on this one. BUT he gives extra credit for the book and film review. I mainly took the class for the movie review. I've been torn between several ideas. Gangster (The Roaring Twenties, Public Enemy) or Western (Silver Lode, The Great Train Robbery) Vietnam (Platoon) or Desert Storm (Three Kings). These are just the ones that I'm dying to do. There are others that serve even more relevence towards the material covered.

The play is going well... kinda. It's just that I have so much going on right now. If I were not busy with school I think I could be more intuned with the characters and deliver a better performance. So far I don't think I've even come close to my expectations. Well, I'm still reading from the script which might be a block in my way. I have to be off book for Act One tonight. So, now I am going to write out one of my long speeches to better help me remember my lines. "I am a playwright. I show you what I have seen. In man's markets, I have seen how man is bought and sold. That is what I show you, I the playwright. How they walk into each others rooms, with plans, or gold, or rubber truncheons. How they set traps for one another, full of hope. How they meet for their appointments. How they hang each other. How they love each other. How they eat. That is what I show you. Words they cry out I report. What mother says to son. What topdog barks to underdog. What wife replies to husband. All the begging words. All the bullying. The pleading. The misleading. The lying. The unknowing. The wonderful. The wounding words. I report them all." Now I am going to check and see if I missed a line. Damn! I forgot "How they stand in the street and wait." Fuck! Maybe I am taking this too serious. We don't have that long to prepare for this. Oh well, I'll try not to worry. Yeah right!

Well, I had better study and quit blogging. I'm happy that I've kept up with this pretty nicely. Off to study things that have already happened and continue to be even more things that have already happened.

2007-10-21T19:56:00.000-04:00

First there was Bonnie and Clyde...

And then there was Mickey and Mallory...

NOW...

There is Will and Amy!!!!!

2007-10-21T18:47:00.001-04:00

I have to remember that my blog is important. Time has been pretty scarce for me in the past few weeks. Just this past weekend, I received three days off rehearsal thanks to the Georgia Theatre Conference. I took the liberty to relax. Amy, Mama and I watched "How I Met Your Mother" yesterday and had such a ridonk time! I love that show so much! I enjoyed watching Amy laugh at a very certain part where Lily looks like a hunchback and makes this sound that just kills me. Yeah, Amy was a cat and an Irishman last night. I can hear her now: "Oh God, they won't understand!" Hehe. I love Ameeyow so much!"

Dexter comes on tonight and I'm really excited! I wasn't able to watch last weeks episode until last night and the suspense builds quickly. And now I get to watch another whole episode tonight. Wow, I'm a lucky bastard! I am currently studying History. I just finished writing about how Hawaii was the first US foreign involvement. And how in 1875 we signed a Reciprocity Treaty which admitted Hawaii sugar to the US DUTY FREE. The US also established a base at Pearl Harbor (Irony). After a while, the price of sugar fell drastically because of the McKinley Tariff Act, which discontinued the duty on raw sugar from all countries. The Hawaiians wanted to end all relations with the US, so guess what we do? We overthrew their leader and established a provisional government. So, we just went in and took over? That is fucked up! Whatever the US wants, it gets. The worst part about this is that the Hawaii incident inspired future leaders to invade countries and take over. From Puerta Rica to Iraq, the US thinks it can just acquire whatever it wants. Soon it will learn exactly the same lesson that a child must learn: "You cannot get everything you want!"

I just watched the Bill Maher video again and it is so funny. A 9/11 Conspiracy group decided to hide in a Real Time audience and start exclaiming long phrases that no one can understand. Sarcasm: Here, let me yell out a long made up fact which will take forever to finish. First of all, if you want to chant something, make it short. "Impeach Bush!" Not some long ass sentence. Well, these interruptions were in response to one of Bill's New Rules. I cannot believe a bunch of kids take New Rules seriously. It's a comedy sketch! Although Bill wouldn't take the idiotic outbursts. He went out in the audience and pushed the security that were escorting the people out. I mean, it pisses me off too. I read on a few blogs and they are trying to get people to downplay Bill Maher. A few actually are comparing themselves to the guy who got tazered at the Kerry speech. Here's the difference: that event was a Q and A. When you are an audience member, you are supposed to keep your fucking mouth shut. I am very big with free speech, but that is just plain stupid to go on someone ilses show and preach your opinions. At least the guy at FL was keeping the subject relevant. These 9/11 Conspiracy assholes are really getting on my nerves and I cannot wait to watch Real Time next Friday to hear what Bill has to say. I hope he bashes them in the opening monologue so good.

Anyways, that's it for now. I had hoped to talk about film, but I really need to study so I can watch Dexter tonight. God, I love good TV! That reminds me: Studio 60 is now on DVD. Buy it!

2007-10-08T22:14:00.000-04:00

I remember the plane ride to Florida turned into a philosophical adventure. The time was somewhere between seven and eight PM. I overheard certain individuals around me indulged in conversation, but ceased once a few gasps made their way over the "gibber talk." I found myself in a situation that I doubt will ever happen again. Looking past the bald guy sitting next to me on the left - I noticed the moon, but while glancing across the isle - I saw the sun making its way down. The left side filled with glistening stars, whereas the right side consisted of one horizon filled with a rusted yellow shade. I thought to myself, "This is really cool, because there's the moon coming up and there's the sun going down. It is as if I'm between time." A sheer fact that at first seemed absurd, at second made the situation seem really interesting. The plane traveled along the border of time, because as time continued, the border slowly moved further right with the falling sun. Maybe it would be possible to chase time. If we were traveling south, that means the sun fell to the west. This means if one travels west constantly, then darkness can never fall. Now time itself is a measurement. You cannot measure time with time. So, what I was in between something even greater than time itself. I need to research this. The very essence of time travel is to move forward or backward? There is past, present and future. There is north, east, south and west. It seems like I've stumbled across a puzzle. Without sunlight, there is dark, which is natural. The sun itself keeps time in existence. Does time exist in space? The only way time exists in space is by the calculated set time on Earth. What if Earth no longer existed? Would time exist no longer? The batteries on a clock would eventually run out. The sun is our clock, but without surface, can we tell what time it is? A sundial can be placed on a particular location here on Earth and we can read it, but in space, there is no surface. It's space -- infinity. I was technically in space. Without modern advances of technology, I could not tell what the time was on a plane, because the plan is not a surface. Would there be a way to calculate that when sitting on a plane that I am sitting flat? There isn't, because we've proven that Earth itself is not flat. So, how can we measure time?

Okay, so I realize that my thoughts just now might appear a little crazy. That is what I get for just writing and not thinking. Or just thinking and not writing.

It is incredibly late and I am tired. Maybe I will post another entry tomorrow less boring.

2007-09-30T22:12:00.000-04:00

VIVA VACATION PICTURES!!!

Yeah, so a lot happened on vacation. Frankly, I'm too exhausted from all the caffein from Starbucks. Haha, yeah right. Anyways, I shall discuss more later. Well, actually it's not too terribly late. Well, yeah, I'm tired. This is Will arguing in his mind. I'm actually in the mood to watch a movie. I know I just got home, but I'm in the mood for a movie. I smell like airport. I love that picture of Amy. She's incredibly cute. No..... adorable. We're developing our idea of Relationshop into a television program. In fact, I just opened up a notebook and read something really funny:

WOMAN: Whoa! I'm so tired and sore.
MAN: Here, let me rub your feet.
WOMAN: No, I'm okay.
MAN: Oh come on, you'll enjoy it.
WOMAN: No, you'll enjoy it.

We have so much material to go off on. And who knows, we can take our own problems and insert them as disguised characters. Oh wait, we already do that. Haha, oh I'm kidding. We don't have problems, we have good times. And by good times I mean without problems. They don't exist. The good overwelms the problems. There are none, because they're good times. Good times. God, sometimes I wonder if my style of comedy is the level of a serial killer. There are a bunch of little Korean girls that play in Mom's neighboorhood, and they're really little. They play all in the streets and run out in front of cars playing. When one ran out in front of me, I said, "Shouldn't you be working in the shops?!" Haha, just kidding. I wonder how many people read that and had jaws drop. I wonder how many people read that period. haha, oh Will. But yeah, I think I have an evil demon inside named Matt. Matt Demon. God, I'm lame! Amy's birthday is soon. I cannot wait to give her all of my presents. She will be very happy... I hope. I do all I can and pray to Allah that it's enough to satisfy. And Allah looks down on me and says, "Wiw, ah tink yu soud ghet anoder God." Haha, say it and imagine an Indian accent. Oh shit, Indians don't worship Allah, they worship Rhamamama and Deragaga and about a hundred other ahahah Gods. I hope no one comes across this blog and think I'm serious. It's irony kids, say it with me. This is like a stream of consciousness. I'm like James Joyce, except I use works like, "cock, fuck, shit, that's what she said, and dunderflunker." I bet Joyce said fuck once in his life. You know Mother Theresea was like, "Jesus, I can't fucking take all this damn stress. Shit!" Even Ghadi had to have said, "Come on bitch, I will fuck you up pacifistic style." Let's see, who else can I make fun of? Yeah, now I'm feeling bad for all I've said. I'm going to delete it. And by delete, I mean by clicking on "Publish Post." Goodnight!

If Communists Are Red What Color Are Terrorists?

2007-09-25T21:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know I have failed to keep my blog updated. Please don't crucify me like someone trying to ask a question at a John Kerry assembly. Some of this entry will be about things that have happened to me in the last few weeks, some about current affairs, and some about my trip coming up in two days. Let's get started!

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad came to Columbia to speak to America this week. First of all, I think you should learn how to correctly pronounce his name before criticizing him. I am sick and tired of hearing people bash this man. He hasn't created an evil force against America nor threatened us in any way. Most people will claim, "Well, he's harboring terrorists in his country!" Okay, let's stop and examine the facts like real Americans, not the fucking pathetic one's who say everything they hear on the news or from a professor. According to Dictionary.com the word terrorist means, "A person who tries to frighten people or governments into doing what he/she wants by using or threatening violence; often uses religion as a cover for terrorist activities." Okay, now we can go somewhere with this. I'm going to go on and say it. George W. Bush is a fucking terrorist. What, by definition, he matches the meaning perfectly. He and his administration have used violence to instill fear in the American public in order to achieve a particular agenda. And come on, we have to win this war for Jesus. The "reasoning" behind the "War on Terror" is "morality." And you know how America loves to get religion and morality confused, even though they are completely different. So in a way, Bush used his "religious morality" and created a spread of Democracy bullshit just so he could put a bullet in Sadam's head. By the way, remember how so many people could not pronounce Sadam's name? And now America has moved onto another individual whom they fear as a threat only because he's the only person brave enough to stand in the face of the red, white and blue and say, "Fuck you!" Well not exactly, but it does sound pretty cool. People are upset, because they think Ahmadinejad harbors terrorists. My point is aren't we harboring that lethargic idiot in the white house? Don't we excuse his bullshit and push his cons aside, if we don't then why has he been able to say seven years as president? Another thing, terrorists believe in fighting for a cause and dying for that cause. Isn't our Army willing to die for our country? Then I'll say it: The US Army are fucking terrorists! What, if citizens of American can criticize Ahmadinejad for being a "terrorist" then I have the right to criticize the Army and our leader, who also declined to debate with Ahmadinejad.

I thought about asking the Gordon Newspaper for a section called, "The Soap Box" and use it as a rant page. I've really been upset the past week with American Civil Liberties being stripped once again. I think someone should make a documentary about how anyone can become a Police Officer. I shall make it and call it, "Taser This!" Along with my SAT documentary called, "Standardize This!" If the only difference between me and a cop is a little piece of tin foil, then I say bring it. Wow, boy do I sound macho. Kind of like the macho feeling that a cop gets when the overwhelming experience of complete authority over everyone is felt and used as an excuse just to beat on someone. I think cops are terrorists! What, if that word can be thrown around and used to attack innocent people, then I have the right to make fun of the people using it.

Yeah, so I said that there would be a description of what has happened to me in the last few weeks, but nothing really exciting has happened. Well, Amy and I saw Eastern Promises which is one of the coolest fucking movies ever! David Cronenberg seems to impress me more and more with every single film I witness. Like I said, he's the king of mindfucking!

So I am leaving for Melbourne in two days and I'm looking forward to it. I cannot wait to see Drew and Mom, Jan, and Nannoo. It's exciting to see relatives you love and haven't seen in a long time. In fact I told Mom to keep it a secret so I can surprise Nannoo. I hope she doesn't Google me and find this blog. Uh oh, I should be careful what I write. You can find just about everything on Google. I'm sure I'll get a visit from the secret service about my accusations. But yeah, I'm hoping to relax this weekend and get a tan on the beach. Traveling is always exciting. I received a travel brochure in the mail today, which I applied for last week. It's comprised of several tours of Italy. I watched another Fellini movie and the landscape for all of his films are incredible.

Speaking of film, the seven nights of Hitchcock was on last week and my favorite three Hitchcock films were shown on the final night. First was "Vertigo", then "Psycho" and finally "Shadow of a Doubt." I shall not use this entry to discuss my thoughts of these three films. Instead, I will say that I'm writing a book discussing my thoughts on every Hitchcock film. On a side note, I read that Faulkner was inspired to write after watching D.W. Griffith silent films. I watch Griffith's works and I really would classify them as literature.

I am currently obsessed with The Office. Well, I did go through two seasons in one week. That's an accomplishment. The two season equal two years of episodes and I went through them like a fat person eating pretzels. There are so many great quotes from the show. And the season premiere comes on Thursday night at 9:00, and my plane gets in at 8:17, so I will be rushing to the house to watch it.

Well, that's about it for now. I'll be better about updating more often. I have to discipline myself wisely. And I'm planning on taking pictures in Florida and uploading them here.

Enough for now. Good night and Good luck!

2007-09-05T20:32:00.000-04:00

I have decided to use this entry to show off a few movies I am dying to see. It's hard to find movies that look visually impressive and entertaining at the same time. And you always go for a period of time watching lousy trailers and thinking, "When is something good coming out?" But then, all of a sudden, great writers and directors set a certain time for distribution and suddenly, theaters are filled with awesome trailers. So, here are a few I have been captivated by.

Cassandra's Dream: Woody Allen's new film! Seems like a comeback from his latest funny, yet pointless, "Scoop." It appears Woody is going back to a style very similar to Match Point, inspired by his recently deceased God, Ingmar Bergman. Set entirely in England, fans of the New Yorker are a bit upset, although, there are many great shots of England's fabulous countyside. Even though the film stars Collin Farell (I know it is spelled incorrect, but I didn't think he was important enough to check), I cannot wait to see it.

Eastern Promises: Yes, thank you Janus for a new film by the Master of Horror and Psychological Mindfucking. I made up the other name. It seems to fit. I recently have become more obsessed with Cronenberg's earlier works, and I have to say that I become more intrigued every film I witness. I use the term witness, because every film is like brain surgery and you're literally in the protagonists mind. I thought A History of Violence fascinated me to the point where I had to see more of his work. And so I stumbled upon Crash, which left me feeling weird every time I get in my car. Thanks David. This film has a unique texture. Really dark, yet the image of every fram is really crisp and very high quality. More like something compared to a film called Climates.

There Will Be Blood: I'm really excited about this film, because not only have we been discussing this topic in my American History II class, but it is directed by Paul T. Anderson. Similar to other filmmakers I admire, he isn't one of those Hollywood directors who put out a movie every year. He takes his time with films and uses much creativity in making them what he invisions. I loved Magnolia. I don't care what everyone says. He made it rain frogs. If that doesn't make you a genius, then I don't know what does. Actually that was sarcasm to a certaine extent. Actually, loving as much surrealism as I do, I like the frog scene. One thing I have to say about Anderson's films is that he includes many characters, but he uses as much time as he wants to tell every story and solved each conflict. Magnolia was a little over three hours, but he presents the story and resolved it. And the introduction is awesome. There will Be Blood looks very different than Magnolia, but even more interesting.

Reservation Road: Everything in this trailer is magnificant except for the gay ass country song. I'm sorry, but you could have played something else to give it more of a heart-wrenching story, OR more of a suspense. Now time to say what I like. I think it appears great visually. A little too much on the hand-held action, but the shot from above in the beginning looks like something of Todd Field. And come on, has Jennifer Connely ever been in a bad movie? Same goes for Mark Ruffalo. I can't say the same for the Johnny Cash fucked up nose guy. Haha, I kid.

Atonement: Based on the acclaimed novel, Atonement, appears visually brilliant. I have not seen something as beautiful as this trailer in a long time. If it doesn't spark a tear, then you muct go to the doctor, because you're fucking dying. Amy bought this novel when we made a trip to Florida and she's only had great things to say about it. This just might be Kiera Knightley's breakthrough role. There are so many shots that appear as if they were photographs. You can tell an entire story by one shot. I love the one with the bodies lined perfectly in two rows. Wow! And Kiera in the tinted red with the green dress - this is visually unreal. This film is a MUST SEE on my list.

Well, that just about wraps it up. There are many, many, many more films that I am dying to see. I just happen to have access to these trailer. One I could not find in particular is a movie called Charlie Wilson's War. It's directed by the Academy Acclaimed director, Mike Nichols, and written by one of my favorite writers, Aaron Sorkin. You think it stops there, nope! Stars in the movie include the great Emily Blunt, Amy Adams, and Phillip Seymore Hoffman. I cannot wait to see the trailer for this. Have fun and see you at the movies!

2007-08-17T10:02:00.000-04:00

Last night was really bad. I had switched from Vicodin to plain Tylenol, and every morning since the operation, I wake up around 5:00 AM and feel mild soreness. Well, I thought of a great idea yesterday. Right around 9:00 I planned to swallow a Tylenol PM, and that way plenty of time would pass, I would become tired, AND I would sleep straight through the usual 5:00 wakeup. Well, I took the pill, and I sat a the computer working on Krytins a little more, grew really sleepy, got in bed, tried to sleep, but for some VERY odd reason every time I closed my eyes, relaxed and took a few breaths, I would jolt up all of a sudden. It scared me really bad. I mean, I could not go to sleep. I was mentally awak from the medicine, but every fucking time I tried to sleep, I would feel short of breath and jolt up. I walked into the kitchen to make a glass of chocolate milk and eat a sandwich to relax me, but once I got back in bed the entire thing happened again. It was like my muscles would let out a vibrant twitch once I became relaxed. I tried sleeping with the TV on and off several times, but no luck. Finally around 1:30 I decided to just accept the fact that I could possibly be up for the entire night from this horrid sleep depravity. Earlier that day, 9 Songs came in the mail and so I popped it in the DVD player and watched about half of it, and I guess somewhere in between the middle and the end, I unknowingly fell asleep. I woke up around 5:00 (Who would have thought?) and the DVD menu screen was brightly lit in front of me, so I turned the TV off and fell back asleep. I woke up around 8:30, tossed and turned, so I decided to get up for the day. I haven’t updated this blog in quite some time. I see that my last entry implies I wasn’t feeling too dandy, so I shall hope to use my story of the surgery to reciprocate for my unhappiness from the last entry. Here is my story:

I sat in the waiting room of the Emory Oral Surgery Building B, when I heard, “William Lewis” called from a nurse. The sheer pronunciation sent a fowling scream through my body – maybe due to the circumstances of my visit. The nurse led me back through several different hallways. Several times I passed by operating rooms where patients lay unconscious while a drill surged the inside of a hard surface. The experience made me feel like a little bunny running underground passing several execution rooms finally coming to Dr. Satan. The nurse brought me to a concealed area where she told me I only had to put the gown on, and only had to remove my shirt. I could hear the sound of the drill leaking down the hallway and piercing my eardrums. My nerves were tense, but I used comedy as a loophole to bury the fear. I opened the curtain and saw a 17 year old black guy sitting with his leg nervously trembling. “The sound of that drill just makes me feel at home, what about you?” I asked. He looked over at me and gave a little smile responding, “Yeah.” I asked if he was nervous and he told me just a little. I said a few more things for my own benefit hoping to calm my own nerves and then that same nurse walked up and took him to operating room 7. I jokingly asked if there was an operating room 10, and recived a sympathy laugh and a response of, “No, but is that your lucky number?” I merely gave a sympathy laugh back. A few minutes later the nurse walked over and sat down with a stack of forms. She asked me many numerous questions and I gave truthful responses. I signed the form so that in case they fucked up I wouldn’t be able to sue them, but I’m sure there would be a loophole I might find. She left and a few minutes after that, an Asian doctor wheeled a teenage girl into the bed next to mine. Luckily I closed the curtain after the black guy left, but the girl whined and cried about the pain and not being able to feel anything. Her mother came back and attempted consolation, but didn’t work, because the girl wanted to take the gauze out of her mouth, but the mother continued telling her not to do so. That created a lot more fear inside of me. A few minutes of my restless leg shaking, that same Asiatic doctor walked into my little concealed area and sat down with the same forms. He introduced himself as Dr. Chou and began asking me the same questions, but then realized my signature already sat on the printed line. “Why didn’t you stop me?” he asked sarcastically. I laughed and said, “I wanted to see if you could do it better than Nurse Betty.” He laughed, told me it would be a few more minutes and walked away. Sure enough, a few minutes later Dr. Chou returned and this time he said, “Alright Will, it’s your turn.” By this time, every time I took a breath, it followed with several little shakes. As he led me down the hallway, I asked him, “Is it possible to donate me wisdom teeth to Stem-Cell Research?” He laughed again.

I walked into a room with a cool dentist chair, but there was another nurse in the corner of the room filling a syringe from a tiny bottle. That really freaked me out. “Let me guess, I sit there?” I asked. By that time they were at the sympathy level. I couldn’t help it, I was fucking scared as hell! Using comedy was the only defense I could think of at the time. Dr. Chou put the gas mask over my nose and I slowly inhaled. I wanted to feel hazy really fast, so I sat there snorting as hard as I could. I still could think and speak coherently. Dr. Chou told me that the maximum pressure form the Nitric-oxide could be at 60%, because if it went any higher, the amount of gas could make the person go insane, literally. I started a casual conversation between Dr. Chou and myself hoping to get the surgery off my mind. He graduated from Columbia and said he was going on 100 hours so far apart of his residency at Emory. Some of the details might be exaggerated from the laughing gas. When the gas rose to 60% I could feel it. My body lied completely relaxed. Dr. Chou inserted the IV and it didn’t hurt at all, merely just a pinch at first and a tug here and there for positioning. I spent my entire childhood in fear of needles. Once, I had a doctor sit on me to get a blood sample. No wonder I feared needles. After a while of complete relaxation, Dr. Steed walked in. My prior visit consisted of a consultation by Dr. Steed. He seemed really nice, except for the croc shoes. That pissed me off a little, but I kept my anger inside. Dr. Steed walked in and asked how I was doing. The laughing gas still pumping through my lungs, I asked if he was wearing the crocs and he said yes. I then said, “Well, I’ll try not to bleed all over them.” Inside I imagined him cutting a blood clot and it dripping down all over his shoes. Soon, Dr. Chou turned on the IV and I slightly remember being awake for a little while, but the next thing I remember was gaining and losing consciousness sitting in the bed back in my concealed area. Dad and Lynn claimed I said a lot of things from after the surgery to recovery. They also said I told all the doctoring staff “the chicken joke.” The only chicken joke I can think of is the one Jim Norton tells on Lucky Louie. If I told that joke, I should feel quite happy I was comfortable enough to tell it. The next coherent memory I can remember is being wheeled to the car and being helped inside the van. On the way home, I asked to listen to M83 several times and opened my journal writing about the way I felt. Here is what I wrote:

I feel blood on my throat. It is impossible to swallow due to the fact I have cotton mouth. Literally there is cotton in my mouth. Everything is moving. On the interstate, there are two of every car. I can feel myself slowly coming off the meds. The gauze in my mouth makes it impossible to vocally express myself. Both rows of teeth are pressed onto the gauze. I continue to feel the gauze in the back of my throat. I touched my face and I can feel it, I touch my ears, I feel both of them too, I feel my chin and it’s spongy like a soft fuzzy ball bouncing in my hands. As my fingers slide up from my chin I come across my lips. My big ploppy lips that feel like Angelina Jolie’s and that chick from Pretty Woman – that bad actress. And now I’m going to take a nap.

AFTER WAKING UP:

My eyes are the camera. I’ve never seen the world in such a shade. A perfect shade of light, but this is only when I close my eyes for a brief moment and open them. Contrast is slightly dark, but not where there’s a mid-glare. Just equilibrated with darkness and lightness.

AN HOUR LATER:

It’s different now. I’m more aware of my surroundings and another difference is that I now can feel my tongue. It feels like 1,000 needles jabbing into it when I move it about the cotton. The soreness is beginning on the sides of my cheeks. The blood that is circulating in my throat is beginning to become unbearable. The major difference is the state of fatigue. Mt head is pounding. Or a feeling of compression. I’m beginning to take small breaths in through my nose and slowly exhaling through the mouth. I just discovered the first thing I said once recovering was, “Can I swallow?” This is now an odd striking coincidence, because the girl before me wheeled out of the room, was set in bed and she said the exact same thing. I’m beginning to think I not only got my teeth removed, but there is something else I’m unaware of.

LATER THAT NIGHT:

The worse event that occurred was the rinsing. After coming home, I had to take the gauze out. I tried opening my mouth wide and pulling it out. The gauze was heavy-soaked with dark red blood. Upon removing the gauze, a trail of thick red blood dripped from the gauze to my mouth. The doctor told me I could not spit, so I held my head over the sink, opened my mouth and allowed the blood to drip. I blew a little and loose bloody saliva projected with a “tsssshh” sound. I could still feel a large dry amount of blood in the back of my throat, so I hacked it up and let it slowly drip. The substance appeared a black mucus-like Jello. After a while of this, I took a glass of water and tilted my head to the right and poured a little in my mouth, so I could not rinse, but just move my head around and around and loosen up a lot of the thick patches. I opened my mouth to let the water out and a stream of red fell from my mouth followed by more of the black mucus stuff. I wiped my mouth and cleaned the blood from my lips.

I needed to get down some liquids to sooth my stomach for the Vicodin, so I had a few spoonfuls of chocolate milkshake from Dairy Queen. After swallowing the few spoonfuls, there still remained some of the developing thick saliva in the back of my tongue. I held my head over the trashcan hoping to get it out, but Dad told me to refrain from spitting and that it was okay to have that blood in my mouth, in fact I needed to take the Vicodin and bite down on a teabag. I took the vicodin and as the pill slid down my throat, I could feel the muscles in my cheeks being stretched, which caused some pain. I inserted the teabag in my mouth and softly bit down, which created more pain. I worried the teabag would bust and the herbs would infect the wounds. I could taste tea forming out of my saliva, mixing with the tea grinds. After a while, the Vicodin began kicking in and the pain ceased in my cheeks and the feeling in my jaw came back. The left side of lip still remained numb, but didn’t create a bother. The Vicodin put me in a state of complete relax. According to Dad, I became quite a chatty Kathy. I rambled on about the theory of anticipation regarding fear including points made my Hitchcock in film, and in reality with waiting in line for the roller coaster. At this time, I started becoming more aware of everything.

So that is my wonderful adventure of surgery. It was really painful, but I survived. I should have written this entry a few days ago; because there is still more I want to write about. But I shall save those things for another time.

2007-08-05T00:19:00.001-04:00

I cannot sleep. I feel... so out of place. I really don't know how to describe it. I don't know what to say. And people think I should become a psychiatrist. I can't feel confortable enough to think in my own head much less aprehend someone else's thoughts. I talked to Drew the other day and it was the biggest reality kick in the balls I've ever taken. It's like I go outside and the world changes every minute. Right as I step outside, I look to the right and can see constrution through the trees. Trees that once were a forest are now scarce. The creek I once swan in is now dumping grounds for Dutchtown high school. There are just certain times when you find yourself panicing, but the truth is there are people far off worse than my problems. I don't even qualify for having problems. Far off from issues much less problems. Maybe I should make a deal out of myself. I've always had the "Sure, whatever you want" work mentality. I don't resent it, I love it. I'm capable of making everyone else happy. There are people who don't care about anyone's happiness. Though fucking me has to care. Care. It's a fearful word. A dangerous one at that. The other day, dad told me, "You know, I loved your mother. I really did. And if I have to be completely honest, I would have never divorced her." It's weird hearing it come from him. I mean, if he truly cared about his own feelings, he would have faught, but it's hard loving someone who really doesn't love you back. By letting her go, he gave her what he wanted, but left himself in a pool of misery. Even if that was the case, if he made a decision based on giving her the situation to make her happy, why was he hurt at the end? I believe Frank Sinatra said it best, "That's life." Now I'm off to write more of my new project. It's late and I've managed to ramble bullshit on and on.

2007-08-04T14:07:00.000-04:00

I signed up for a new blog, but deleted it, because it's too confusing. And I like it here. I'm familiar with everything. I hope my entry makes sense. They never do. Well... they do to me, kind of never.

New journal created today. I don't know why. Typical curiosity maybe. Purely boredom actually. I do not have long until my project for Enter Fear Pictures is due. My attempt to get kicked off from Myspace fails day by day. My friend Ian told me to put a random naked picture on my site and they'll delete it. As successful a that might be, I just can't, because that will be really weird. I have to say something that gets on my nerves: People who like to show off online. It just really makes me angry. They really are weird emotions. I've been feeling really weird the past few days. Like unbalanced or unstable. It is like something inside that's bothersome, but you just can't quite put your finger on it. Well, I could if I cut myself open and dig around inside of my skin to find it. I go under the knife next Friday and I am still a little worried. I understand it's not a big deal, but to me it is, because the drill is going in my mouth and blood will be surging from by gums. I know I will wake to find everything already completed, but that will even be worse. The surgeon told me that I will be on heavily prescribed pain medication. That scares me. I hate pain medication. And I start school the following Monday, so I really need to get off the meds and get back into a routine by then. I need to spend my time wisely this next week. I need to plan out more with "Critters" as Amy calls it. I'm getting it casted this weekend. I know I want John to play either of the male characters. Kim (Peaches) will play the role of the lady at the end. I figure we can make her an old country woman. And I'm not sure about the role of the wife. This writer is SO bad. The wife is in the beginning, but then forgotten. Fucking people! I started working on my new screenplay the other day. Well, not officially writing yet, but more so brainstorming than anything. I shall not discuss the privacy of my journal. The theme from MASH is a great song. There's a story behind it which ties into the show. It's so sad, but really great. I'm gone.

2007-07-30T20:07:00.000-04:00

An Exert from "The Snakeskin"

By Ingmar Bergman

"There are poets who never write, because they shape their lives as poems;

actors who never perform, but who act out their lives as high drama.

There are painters who never paint, because they close their eyes and conjure up the most superb works of art on the back of their eyelids.

There are filmmakers who live their films and would never abuse their gift by materializing them in reality."

2007-07-25T20:15:00.000-04:00

Leave Michael Vick alone people! God damn, the poor guy can hardly breath without being bombarded with people waiting for him to screw up. This is the same reason why the media is shit due to the fact every channel I flip to has Lindsay Lohan on it. I don’t give a shit if she’ pulled over with cocaine. I don’t care that Michael Vick was involved in Dog fighting. There is something seriously wrong with everyone. I remember one time at work John talked with a customer about Michael Vick back when he was found with the secret compartment water bottle. Ohhhhh. Ohhh nooo! A secret water bottle compartment! Oh God, I’m not going to sleep at night knowing he had a secret water bottle compartment. Now that is real news. NOT! Okay, so enough about my rant, John was talking with a customer about the whole situation and John said, “I’ll tell you what they should do. They need to just bench him! If they bench him, then he cannot play and that is punishment.” I wanted to say, “This is why you will never do anything but run a cafeteria for the rest of your life.” God, I hate some people sometimes.

My new plan for when people claim they hate Hilary Clinton to me is this: I’m going to look them dead in the eyes and exclaim seriously, “You’re fucking sexist, aren’t you? You hate women.” I think it will work. And the same with Obama with his color. I think it will work. I’ll make some faces turn. This is my perception of all these people who claim they hate Hilary: “I hate Hilary, because I heard people say they hate her.” It’s the same with the whole “I hate Bush, because it’s cool” thing. It’s ridiculous. This is not what America is all about. When talking to dad about Edwards’ Poverty Tour, I told him, “Edwards is going around and actually doing something. He’s picking up where Bobby Kennedy left off with a humanitarian agenda and taking care of the real Americans. The real Americans are the ones who cannot afford to put food on their table for their kids, the real American are the ones who go to sleep in gutters and wake up with urine and vomit all over them, the real Americans are the ones who have low chances of survival to the next day.” No, I’m not talking about the troops, I’m talking about the poor. Dad disagreed with me to a long extent, but we have our differences.

We had a fun time at Six-Flags yesterday. I had not spent a lot of time with dad and Drew alone. It was really nice. Ever since Drew talked to me in depth about his feelings, I have not been able to get it out of my head the fact he came to me of all people. It was really embarrassing to see Dad get on the roller coasters and the attendant ask him to get off. But I fear it was even more embarrassing for him. But he told us that he didn’t care of he couldn’t ride or not, he just wanted to spend time with us, and that is just what we did, so I guess it was fun for everyone. Every time I ride a roller coaster, I try and tap in my sick mind to find what exactly sets the endorphins off and enjoys coming so close to death. The thrill. I don’t know what it is, but I love it. The feeling is ecstatic. The greatest part is that level right before the climax. The level where it starts getting scary and continues until it’s unbearable and you just feel completely helpless and openly vulnerable, now that is a great feeling. I love roller coasters. Déjà vu was really nice! We waited in line for a while and Drew grew quite nervously. I wasn’t, because I kept telling myself if I did the Daredevil’s Plunge, I can do anything. This coaster was really scary. It starts out by pulling you backwards all the way to a peak and you’re dangling mercifully. It’s a lot like the Plunge, but nowhere near as scary. Then all of a sudden it shoots down and back up and spins around A LOT and spins more and goes to another side where we face upwards this time, and then fall back and go through everything once more and are pulled back really fast this time and it stops in the air and your body stops in mid air hanging. It catches really fast and kind of hurts, but is a huge rush. After returning home, I took three separate naps. Boy, was I exhausted!

I ordered Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place!!! It consists of all four seasons! It was $70 and I’m so freaking glad I bought it! Now, I must wait for it to arrive in the mail. I cannot wait to introduce Amy to this show! The characters are so great! And the Halloween killer episode, because it’s so funny and there’s so much killing, which I love!

Okay, time to relax and kick back with some coffee. Cinnella... My favorite!

2007-07-23T09:20:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I cannot put this off anymore. It's so hard to keep a blog up to speed. Well, maybe if I forced myself to, then maybe I would. Well, I finished the Integrated Science class and now I'm free to read and watch movies for the rest of the summer (Which is about three weeks tops). Keeping on subject, I shall exclaim my anger towards the class now. It was SO hard! But I've managed to pull a high C out of the class (technically a 380 pending whether he decides to give me the extra 20 or not). I did learn a lot from the class, which is most important to me, but when you feel like you're learning, but not amounting to expectations academically, it's hard.

"Some shark species eat and remove sick and injured ocean animals. Without their services, the oceans would be teeming with dead and dying fish. Between 1990 and 2003, sharks killed a total of 8 people off the US coasts and 88 people worldwide. For every shark that injures a person, we kill at least 1 million sharks, or a total of about 100 million sharks each year."

"The Endangered Species Act of 1973 was designed to identify and legally protect endangered species in the United States and abroad. The ESA makes it illegal for Americans to sell or buy any product made from an endangered or threatened species. These species cannot be hunted, killed, collected, or injured in the United States. This protection has been extended to threatened and endangered foreign species."

"In 2003, the George W. Bush administration proposed eliminating protection of foreign species, creating an uproar among conservationists. With the rule change, US hunters, circuses, and the pet industry could pay individuals or governments to kill, capture and import animals that are on the brink of extinction in other countries."

Most of the class was really interesting, but then there was a lot of it to just bore me to death. We counted grass and walked around a lot doing meaningless experiments. Oh well, as long as I

get a fair grade out of the class, I'm fine with anything we did.

I miss Universal Studios. I do. I sincerely do. The first time I went was in 1991 I think. I remember being a huge Ghostbusters fan and everywhere I went, I always had my Proton Pack and Ghost Trap with me. I remember being completely astonished by the huge movie soundstages, bright lights, gigantic scenery pieces, and millions of people. This world was a dream that came true for me. The attractions brought the one medium I loved to real life. I was in the movies. The concept was genius! Some of the rides were scary like Jaws and King Kong. I remember walking into the part and the first thing I saw was a large stone structure with a bright red sign with “King Kong” written in bold lettering. I had seen clips from the ride and it scared the hell out of me. Some of the rides were breathtaking like ET where I rode a bike into the air and could see the entire city below my feet. Some of the rides were attraction shows like Ghostbusters and were really cool. Some of the rides were REALLY fast like the Back To The Future ride and Hannah Babara Ride. Some of the rides were sticky like the Nickelodeon Studios (which I was too afraid to go near in the fear of being slimed like the nickelodeon shows I watched). They even had the old slime machine outside of the studios. All of the rides were different, but they all had one thing in common – they were entertaining! It brought the movies to life and inspired me. I, as a visitor felt like an audience member, but something caused the illusion to break and created the movie all around me. I knew that I wanted to create the same thing as well. The imagination is a wonderful thing. This one ingredient closed the door to reality and created fantasy. I knew I wanted to make not just ordinary films, but include this ingredient and make the movies come to life for the audience. I want the power of suspension of reality. It really was a spiritual journey for me. It was like I discovered who I was in this journey. Of course I was a little kid, but then I had to go back. I dreamed about the park every night at home. And then finally I went back about eight years later. I attended an after school program called the “3:00 Groove” created by Mr. Byrd. Mr. Byrd is a great man! I have so many things to say about him, but that’s another entry. He told me stories about how Universal started changing. I was so intrigued that it was still magnificent. His “church” organized a trip to Universal. We took a bus and I was the only white kid on the trip. Mr. Byrd was really cool and we had a blast! I took my video camera with me, because at that point, I was obsessed with filming. I still have the tape. Who knows, I might find someway to convert it from video to digital and upload it on youtube. In fact, that is what I’m going to do, and I’ll even put them it in here. I remember keeping that camera on almost the entire time. People got agitated with me. I went on all the rides again and it was even more fun. Technology had progressed since my last visit. And this time, I went to the Alfred Hitchcock: The Art of Making Movies Exhibit. I couldn’t believe what I saw and experienced. It was like a dream. I found someone who had the same aspirations as I did and he made them come true. His visions of work came to life around me. I watched a ten minute montage and absolutely became hypnotized in the filmmaking. I still was really young to understand most of the technical aspects of film, but after that, I felt inspired to direct. A few years after that, I came back with Dad and Lynn. This time I went to the Hitchcock Exhibit about four times. One lady who worked the beginning Q&A secession asked me, “Haven’t you been in here before already?” I responded happily and said, “I love Hitchcock.” The ten minute montage became even more hypnotic. And now I’m faced with an opportunity to go again. I really hope it works out. Even though a lot of the old rides and attractions are not there anymore, it would still be fun to walk around and absorb that energy that inspired me as a kid. And Islands of Adventure has even more. The Hulk Ride and Jurassic Park the Ride. I don’t know how to feel right now. I’m overwhelmed with excitement.

Well, now that I rambled on about the past as I promised not to, I shall go in peace. So long world!

2007-07-20T14:43:00.000-04:00

And..... I'm back. I guess taking such a long break made it appear as if I took a long vacation or enjoyed the vast amount of free time of the summer, but sadly, I have not. Instead, I have been in school and in between stuffing my face in the textbook to study hundreds of pages every week, I have indulged my capitalistic fantasies of working and making money. I have many previos blog entries typed out on Word, but instead of posting, I just saved to a document folder. In a way, it's been sort of an electronically processed journal to me for the past two months. So much has happened since I last posted in this blog. I don't feel like catching up, so instead I will just move along with the present and let the past be the past. Tomorrow I have my final in Intg Science. I am extremely worried about it mainly due to the fact I didn't spend too much time studying at the campground. Why? I don't know. God told me not to study. At church a long time ago, I used to ask the group to pray for me when I had a big test coming up... Well it actually sounded more like this: "Guys, I have a test tomorrow, pray I make an A." And then it was followed by someone saying, "Don't ask us to pray that you get an A, we should pray you get whatever God wants you to get." I wanted to just say, "Fuck you" and call it a day, but instead I decided to ignore his stupidity and take the test, but ended up failing anyways. I really want to thank the big guy for that one! And now here I am in the exact same situation about to go into an exam with fearful expectations. I could go on and on about Dr. Gahr's tests, but that's in the past and it's irrelevant to my blog now. Right now I'm printing out practice tests for all four chapters and plan to review them in between serving deadbeat zombies who tell planes where to go. Honestly, I shouldn't worry. I do it too much and it pisses off everyone. I'm really insecure about my worries. But that's future entry (not to mention so many from the past).

I'm trying to write film criticisms now. I have so much to say, but don't know what order to say it in and how to say it. I need some fruit.

I'll be back tomorrow to discuss how my Science Day went.

2007-06-05T11:57:00.000-04:00

THE LONGLY AWAITED NEW RULES ARE FINALLY HERE!!!!!!

New Rule:

Recently, it was announced Paris Hilton will be going to jail on charges of drunking drive.... I mean driving drunk. When police asked her to blow into the breathalyzer to test for blood alcohol content, the breathalyzer exclaimed, "Oh God, that feels good!" Come on, it's Paris Hilton -- the only girl to lose her virginity before snack time and after recess. But there are people who are worried about little innocent Paris in jail. She's in the only building where requirements are to get fucked in every oraphis... or as Paris calls it, "Just another night on the town."

New Rule:

There are certain people who should not preech things they don't mean -- on in this case hold in their lifeless girp. President Bush had reporters around him on his "not-so routinelly" bike ride around ranch in Washington. Bush discussed how it is important for Americans to ecercise. This is coming from the guy who ran 20 miles in Vietnam... in the other direction. Oh come on, it's our president holding an object, consciously knowing he never uses it himself. It's kind of like this:

New Rule:

Jude Law showed up at this years Cannes Film Festival with his costar Nora Jones to showcase their new movie together. My first question is why are Jude Law, Nora Jones, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Quentin Tarrintino... is it me or did everyone in Hollywood hop on the Ego Bus and drive over the ocean to France? Once you're voted America's Sexiest Man Alive, you just cannot be an independent actor anymore. Among the prestigous foreign films entered at Cannes is Oceans Thirteen, yes I just said Oceans Thirteen. This is representing American Cinema? This is a movie about a bunch of handsome studs going on yet another heist of thievery, killing, and betrayal. I believe there's a movie from Darfur with the same plot. Enough about killing, look at Nora going for Jude's crotch. Easy Nora, that little fella is reserved for cleaning ladies, cooks, therapists, accountants, attourneys, and the occasional nanny.

New Rule:

Katie Holmes is taking financial action against an 18 year old porn star who wishes to have a name change to Katee Holmes and plans to lose her virginity on the screen. The porn star wishes to do this in a way mocking the famous star. This is ourtageous, because the porn star should not follow through in this manner. Instead of coming out doing a porn to lose your virginity, do it like a book. Chapter One: star in a popular teenage show, Chapter two: lose your virginity with the male lead, and Chapter Three: marry Tom Cruise.

New Rule:

People are almost willing to pay more to see Barbara than Bush. Recently is was announced the price for a photo-op with George Bush dropped from $25,000, all the way down to $2,000. In entertainment news, Barbara Streisand's ticket sales went from $500, all the way up to $1,000. Which is more exciting: watching a bafoon sing like an ape, dance around a poll and talk nonsense, OR listening to Barbara Steisand?

2007-05-25T19:36:00.000-04:00

Amy is the greatest person I have ever met! Not only does she have everything, but being around her makes me feel so happy. I am happy a lot, but sometimes I just don't get the thrill out of life that I get when I'm with her. I could go on and on describing everything I like about her, but I shall and will because this is my blog damn it! I shall start with her personality. Amy is really the funniest person I know. Everything from her "I will killl youuuuu!" to the smallest little smirk she gives is enough to put me in a coma of laughter. She doesn't feel that many people think she's funny, but I seriously think they're all fucking nuts and completely dead wrong! Today at Six Flags, she had me rolling all over the place laughing. We have such a sophisticated sense of humor and yet morbid at the same time. We're the only couple who think molesting children is comical only in the sense of us partaking in the event. And also I love the tone of her voice when she says, "Come to your new mommy." It's SORE adorable. Another great quality she has is a sense of independency. I can see this being a little hard to accept later on in life, but I just love how much an individual she really is. She spills everything into her notebooks which I've promised to burn if in the case she dies. I cannot list in any particular consecutive order, because her honesty is one that remains top on the nonexistent list. I trust her completely with everything. I have told her things that NO ONE knows. Things that if ever heard by others would drive me to extreme fear of everything this world brings to offer. And at the same time, she's told me things that she's never told anyone. We're the perfect couple, because we're so alike and give back everything each of us receives to the other. I remember the first time I told her, "I love you." It was over the internet and she hesitated before answering. I don't remember what she exactly said, but I followed with an apology. At the time, I was so eager to find the right woman for me. Before Amy came into my life, I was severely pessimistic about anything involving a relationship, but this isn't about me, it's about Amy. I do remember the first time she told me she loved me. They were under awkward circumstances, but once I heard her say it, I was shocked with complete happiness. We both realized that if we truly thought if there was still hope of continuing the relationship after certain difficult roadblocks, then we knew we were in love. Three years and four months is something I hold true to myself. It's the greatest accomplishment I can ever make -- being in a relationship with Amy. Sometimes I feel like I obsess too much and I wonder sometimes if she feels I depend on her too much, but the truth is I love her and don't want to be without her. She desires to live in other parts of the world for a couple of years and I can think of many guys who would think it's over, but I want Amy to be happy and if wanting to live on her own for a while is something she seriously wants to do, then I support her entirely. I feel this way, because I know she loves me and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I love her and I will always love her and feel incapable of loving anyone else, and that is how I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with that wonderful, perfect woman. Okay, enough about me again, back to the woman of the hour. She honestly does so much for me. She listens to my horrible home life, has a present that makes me feel like I am a great person, takes care of me when I'm sick, corrects me when I'm wrong, rubs lotion on my back when I'm badly sunburned, offers me advice when I desperately need it, tickles my arm (which I really like), and offers me a cure of any dilemma with her infamous lip and Amy Eyes. I love kissing her. Maybe this should go in my personal journal. No, I want to be completely honest here. Kissing her really makes the whole world go away. We pretty much kiss goodbye a majority of the time, so it's hard realizing that the girl's lips who are attached to yours are about to leave and go inside. It really feels good when she smiles as she kisses, because her lips crinkle up and it is such a great feeling. She prefers not to have a kissy-kissy relationship, which I agree, because once couples usually turn to that part, it's becomes difficult, because one party worries the other party might be thinking about only kissing and such. I hope Amy never thinks I'd want to make out instead of sitting back and having one of our deep talks. I love talking to her and it gives me such enjoyment inside. She gives me a lot of enthralling feelings inside as you can tell, and I do too much of a damn good job bringing it out vocally. Maybe I should write more instead of always confessing how great she is. I know it makes her happy knowing how much I appreciate her, but I don't want it to get out of hand and have her think that I want something. Oh fuck, I did it again, back to Amelia. Amelia is the prettiest name I've ever heard. The lips slowly cleave apart with the sweet sound of the "A," followed by a sudden meld of the lips pushing out the most beautiful consonant "Mmm", and then the mouth distributes a wide smile letting out the "Elee", and finally an elated "Ahh" is capped at the top of the beautiful pile of gratifying sounds. I love that she's fascinated with language. I really could hear her talk about language, literary criticisms, movies, Bob, tennis, Jeopardy, school, work, and (my favorite) herself all day long. I wish we could skip away for a weekend and just spend time together just the two of us. We can spend countless hours talking and writing and being away from everything in the world which distracts us. I'm such an intimate person. I think it's one of my flaws. But back to Amelia. Her writing is some of the best I think I've ever read. I know I might sound bias, but think what you want, this is my blog and this is how I truly feel, so deal with it. She shows so much compassion for her characters. Emotional conflict is a primary theme in her stories and every story should have one. I remember when she was really excited about the Michael Farmer story. Even though it's not finished, I have so much hope for her to finish writing it. She usually grows tired of writing and thinks it's shit, which I find hard to believe, but it's not what I think, it's about how she feels. I shouldn't push her to like her stories, but I do wish to encourage her to keep going and merely give her the support I wish to give. Even though I would find it incredibly fascinating to read her journals, I don't and won't. She prefers to keep her thoughts in her journals in fear of them being boring or personal, which I respect, but still find it amazing that her mind is broken apart and spread all throughout notebooks. She's unsure about her future, which everyone is, but she's mentioned about wanting to become a teacher, which of course I find magnanimous (I thought using this word would better suit the sentence, because I learned the word in school). She's also mentioned working for the ACLU as a defender of human rights, which I find noble and showing much gratitude (I chose not to look up a word on dictionary.com, because I wanted to give my own). But mostly, she desires to write, and who can argue with that? She has writing worth publishing everywhere from Columbia University to Penguin Publishing, all the way to various scholar journals. Being the person she is wants me to do everything for her. I desire to give back everything she gives me. I want to give her happiness so bad. I really will hard in everything I do to make sure she has the option to stay at home and write for her entire life. I want to give her a future that she will enjoy every morning and every night. I want to see that Amy smile every morning and every night. And watch the way her nose crinkles as if she's about the sneeze. She's a beautiful and I prefer to put this on the list, because it's what she is and I cannot help it. She won't believe it, and I shall not force my opinion of her on herself, because that's just crazy. I however like to remind her of this stunning quality she has and tell her how pretty she really is. Everything about Amy's body is perfect. Even if she weighed in at 800 pounds or shaved her head, I would still love everything about her. From head to toe, she's what I consider perfect. I understand they're just appearances, but it's Amy, and I cannot help it if she stands out as having an unforgettable image. Waking up to her pretty voice and face would be heaven for me. And her hands. Yes, I like to describe her hands apart from the rest of her body. I should take a picture of her hands to keep forever. Maybe I should make a movie and showcase her hands throughout the entire picture. I realize by making her appearance a part of what I love about her might make her think odd thoughts about me, but she's Amy. Today we were strapped together and flew 50MPH from 100 feet and I could not be happier than taking a plunge to the Earth with anyone but her. Doing that drop with Amy is something I find personal with her. It's like a connection. It's like we fell together and we could have broken free and died together. I do realize I said the phrase, "I want", "I think", "I this", "I that" a lot which brings the focus to me, which I intended not to do, but I can't help it. She really is the greatest woman I've ever met and being with her makes me happier and happier to be alive. She gives me such joy to take the smallest of breaths. I wish only to give her happiness, just as she's given me. I don't know how to end this. When I die, there will be many random flashes of my life go before me, and she will be in all of them.

2007-05-10T13:55:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I have this problem not uploading often. There are moments during the day where I’ll say to myself, “Wow, I have to write about that in my blog,” although by the time I get to my computer, I have forgotten all about what it was I planned to write about. I guess I’ll just have to write and not think. I think too much. Thinking too much can get you in trouble. Now I’m not making any sense. I don’t think I’ve made sense all day.

My room is so clean. I would take a picture, but that would require me to go through my shit that is all neatly put away and make more of mess, which I don’t feel like doing. Just take my word for it. So the trip to Florida was recently canned due to a stupid emergency. I hate when I’m forced to put plans aside for other things. I would be able to go if John would hire more fucking people. I only work because I have to. If we had more employees my nights wouldn’t be occupied with four hours of work, compared to going out and having fun (which I’d rather do). I honestly hate being a fucking lunch lady. I’m treated so poorly. Not that I really care, but everyday I feel pathetic at work. I am working my ass off, but I just think about doing something else that makes me happy and less pathetic. I don’t think I exist to keep Air Traffic Controllers well fed. Nor do I think I exist to make tuna and chicken salad sandwiches. I’m tired of hearing, “Throw me a burger on the grill and put some fries down with that!” I make fucking fries! That is pathetic. So I get paid for it, but it’s not making me happy. I end up spending most of my paycheck on necessities and what is left over goes in my savings for a trip I hope to take.

Maybe moving into another house will make me happier. I know it will, compared to living here. I will be able to take as many showers as I want to in the morning. Now that is fucking sad. I’m 20 fucking years old and cannot stand up to an old woman with a mental disorder. I’d hit her. I’d punch her right in the face. I now can go to work and take out all my aggression out on coleslaw. I can act childish a lot. I don’t know why. I just do. It’s stupid, but we all do stupid things. Enough about me, I want to talk about someone else now.

I talked to Drew a few weeks ago and he told me he didn’t really want to talk about the wreck with anyone. I understood for his reasons being he just wanted to get over it and not think about it. But I talked to Dad and he said that Drew told him that he didn’t talk to me about it. That’s a lie, because Drew did talk to me about it. But here’s what gets me. Dad said he was worried that Drew recollected Shadow getting his after the wreck. I don’t know where he would get this from, but if it was the case I think Drew would tell me. I’ve told him things before. There are times when I see Shadow getting hit by the car and it really tears me inside. That wasn’t just a dog, but it was the cure for our misery. I keep hearing detailed information after Mom left us to go on her lesbian ways, and I don’t care to know. I never resented her decision. I guess I was too young to really understand what was going on, but I never saw it through dad’s eyes. I mean, this is a guy who fell apart. I always saw the decision through mom’s perspective and never really through dad’s. Of course divorce always causes tension, but I feel I wasn’t being fair. I know the lesson, “Life’s not fair,” but that can go fuck itself for all I care. It does make me mad that Mom did what she did, but I can’t control it and nor was she able to control the way she felt. It just really kills me that I wasn’t there for Dad. For a while he considered himself a shitty father. He claimed to let his worries and stress take control. I couldn’t live with myself if I ever became that. I guess as a kid it was easier to understand, but as an adult, there’s so much pulling you down. Responsibility is a bitch. I just want to do what I want to do. And after Shadow died, Drew and I went to church the next day and during Sunday school I said, “Our dog died.” The teacher was so uninterested. She said, “Oh… Wow.” And then she went on teaching some shit about the bible. I think that was one of the reasons why I couldn’t give a fuck about the church. The one consolable place is the church and these people didn’t care. Well fuck them! Sometimes I think my mom is just a big kid. She’s still going around and having fun, and yet she’s the mother when she chooses. I don’t blame her, because she’s happy. I hate when I ramble on about nonsense.

What if I never make a movie? I keep pressuring myself to finish writing and just go ahead and shoot. It has to be that easy. Why is it not? Why do I have a conscious that tells me, “I don’t know yet…” And a brain that says, “I’m bored. I want to watch a movie.” And then I put it off. Why do I always put things off? Why do I always write questions in here? I guess because I cannot answer them in my own head, so I might as well spill them someplace else. Maybe I should just finish writing “Sharing the Bed” and just go ahead and shoot it.

I’ve been reading a lot about Dogme 95 filmmaking and the movement which followed. Well, I guess you cannot exactly say a movement followed. The French New Wave is more of a movement, but Dogme 95 is something that I consider a personal revolution. The reasons are to purify filmmakers from big budget studio films that are only intended to appeal to audiences. Well enough about what I have to say, here’s a little something from the internet:

The goal of the Dogme collective is to purify filmmaking by refusing expensive and spectacular special effects, postproduction modifications and other gimmicks. The emphasis on purity forces the filmmakers to focus on the actual story and on the actors' performances. The audience may also be more engaged as they do not have overproduction to alienate them from the narrative, themes, and mood. To this end, Lars von Trier and Thomas Vinterberg produced ten rules to which any Dogme film must conform. These rules, referred to as the Vow of Chastity, are as follows:

Filming must be done on location. Props and sets must not be brought in (if a particular prop is necessary for the story, a location must be chosen where this prop is to be found).
The sound must never be produced apart from the images or vice versa. (Music must not be used unless it occurs within the scene being filmed, i.e., diagetic).
The camera must be a hand-held camera. Any movement or immobility attainable in the hand is permitted. (The film must not take place where the camera is standing; filming must take place where the action takes place.)
The film must be in colour. Special lighting is not acceptable. (If there is too little light for exposure the scene must be cut or a single lamp be attached to the camera).
Optical work and filters are forbidden.
The film must not contain superficial action. (Murders, weapons, etc. must not occur.)
Temporal and geographical alienation are forbidden. (That is to say that the film takes place here and now.)
Genre movies are not acceptable.
The final picture must be transferred to the Academy 35mm film, with an aspect ratio of 4:3, that is, not widescreen. (Originally, the requirement was that the film had to be filmed on Academy 35mm film, but the rule was relaxed to allow low-budget productions.)
The director must not be credited.

Although some of the rules are ridiculous, it is interesting seeing how some people care about the simplicity of filmmaking. Although it is Lars von Trier who is in fact making big studio films now. It’s hypocritical to make a list for people to follow and then break the rules yourself. That itself breaks inspiration. That’s like becoming president of the United States and breaking the Constitution… Oh wait! Sorry, just a little political throw-in. I don’t know why I feel so pessimistic right now. Maybe I need to eat more fruit.

I had a dream one night a couple of years ago where I was at a huge water park. I love water parks a lot!!! One time I relaxed so hard I almost fell asleep. But one night I had a dream where I was at a water park going down a long slide and about half the way down, I was stopped by a woman who told me the secret of life. It was really weird.

I’m house-sitting for Mimi this weekend and looking forward to it. There are so many books I need to catch up on. I’m also hoping to finish this script. I also had two more ideas that I’m currently brainstorming. One of them is difficult to explain and the other is not quite developed enough.

Time to go check the mailbox.

And then I might watch an episode of “How I Met Your Mother.”

And then I have to go into work. Maybe I’ll write some at work.

2007-04-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

So I attended the Theatre Banquet tonight and it was just as mediocre as I expected. I did win an award. At first, I didn't think much of it, but the more I think about really how much hard work, time effort, blood and sweat into this year for the department, the more I realize I should feel grateful for this award. It is a really neat award! I mean, everyone else received Dollar Store little medals, but I was awarded an actual trophy. It's not really a trophy. I hate the word trophy. It sounds elementary. Like something with a kid hitting a ball off of a tee kind of thing. This is more of an... I don't know. Whatever it is I am proud of it. This is just something else I can add to the resume. After the awards ceremony, they started karaoke and dancing -- which I found loathsome. I don't dance and I don't sing, so I just sat at my table, watching everyone else make fools of themselves. I don't understand why people like to act crazy and weird. It wasn't really exciting. So, after a while, I just decided to leave. I walked up to Dan, shook his hand and thanked him and left.

One my way home I got stuck in a long traffic jam on 75. This one made me incredibly miserable. It was one of those in which cars would stop and go, stop and go, stop and go, stop and go. I just wanted something consistent, not this stop and go, stop and go shit! It really pissed me off. Traffic jams put me in a bad mood. Actually when I'm in a jam with the right person, then it's a lot of fun. One time, Amy and I rolled the windows down and cranked up Mozart to full blast. It was funny to watch the expressions of other people.

I've been worry about my confidence for the past few nights. I had a nightmare Saturday night and ever since I just have been worried that my confidence in things is decreasing. I have always worried about worrying too much, which yes I know, is stupid from other people's perspectives, but to me is a major one. I worry too much. I'm afraid of it getting to the point where it affects the people around me and I drive them literally crazy. Maybe by doing what I'm doing now it is provoking the agitation. Will the remainder of my life consist of worries? I see when most people get older, they worry a lot. If I worry at the rate I do now, what are the odds that I'll still be alive by then? I'm young. Why all of this? I watched RKO 281 and Orson Welles stood up to executives and told them they could not take his movie away and burn it. Could I talk to executives like that? I don't even know if I can tell the executives about my movie. I have trouble telling small people about my movie. A director is the one position in the movie business that requires the most confidence at all times. I show my confidence like a mirror. I desire two things out of life: to marry Amy and make movies. I wonder what I can do to allow my confidence to build up. Maybe accepting the fact I shouldn't worry about it. One of my bad tendencies is being too hard on myself as a device to avoid anger from others. It's stupid, I know, but I have to live with it in my head, so I might as well let it out. This doesn't make any sense. Is life suppose to make sense? I finished my paper on Existentialism and after working really hard on it, I can successfully say I really don't get life. I'm happy I'm not an Existentialist.

I love The Spanish Apartment so fucking much! This morning I decided I will watch the movie again and write all the things I love about it during the movie, that way I shall not forget. It is such a good movie and has so many great parts, but I'm ADD and you know... I ALSO ordered the soundtrack today! I'm so happy about this. I bought the Russian Dolls soundtrack and this one is just the same -- awesome!

Now I'm off to study... hopefully.

2007-04-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

I feel like there is a fire inside my throat. A huge swollen fire and it's burning every second. It pains me to breathe or do anything right now. This came over me all of a sudden yesterday after I came home from work. Before the show last night, I started feeling worse and it eventually became painful. I just wanted to scream during the show it hurt so bad. But it really hit me this morning at 4:35 when my alarm clock went off. I did not want to go into work. I felt unable to even stand much less work a nine hour shift. My attitude grew much worse as the morning progressed. I hated each customer who came in and wanted special treatment. I think a majority of what this might be is stress and exhaustion. But I have a clear speculation that it might be actual sickness in the beginning stages. It really feels like loo much work. Work in the morning, play at night, school during the day, play at night, work in the morning, play at night, work in the morning, play at night. I feel like I'm being stretched apart (by my throat). I knew I should have asked off for this week, but I cannot allow Ma to work more countless 15 hour shifts because I feel too sick. I figured I should suck it up and tough it out. Dad used to tell me, "Suck it up, or fuck it up." I also figured that I could go this week and weekend and then relax and recouperate next week. Well, John asked me today, "How are you for Monday?" What the fuck? I cannot believe this. I'm not going to recouperate, I'm going to continue working. I should just tell him I can't. Why am I such a fucking... I don't know. Nothing is making sense anymore. Maybe because I'm not trying to make sense. Now I'm just rambling on. More about my problems. Blah, blah blah.

Backtrack to last night: Everything went perfect the first show night. I was relieved and relaxed for a nice show, but then I find out David, our sound guy, had to go to court and couldn't be there until a few minutes after 7. The house opens at 7:00. We needed David to run mic check and get everythign ready. I really really stressed out. It got to a point where I just went up into the booth, put my head down and just wanted to fall asleep and attain no responsibilities in this world. I just wanted to get out and have everything the way I want. I really think I'm experiencing a lot of stress. I take deep breathes to relax, but the only feeling to follow is aching pain.

I wish there were a mountin somewhere I could run to and sleep on. Or the beach that I can run on and lay down in the sand.

Tonight is Friday night, which is the big show night for the performance. I don't see a difference between now and Saturday night or the prior nights. It's just a night. The play will be performed the same every night. Maybe because it is when all the parents come. Mom is in Macon attending another class reunion and told me she's try to make it, but called me yesterday and said she couldn't. I kinda wish she could see it and I guess I'm a little bummed by it, but I'm a big boy, I'll get over it. Cough cough! Ahh, my throat!

Amy and I are going to see Mr. Kirk now, I'm really excited about seeing him and hearing what all he's been up to.

As far as work goes, I really REALLY hope something happens between now and tomorrow morning that will prevent me from going in.

2007-04-15T19:13:00.000-04:00

I really should be studying, but instead, I rather surf my old blog entrys and other people's old blog entry's. I've really said a lot of stupid things in and out of life. Did I really think at those times what I was saying was actually okay? I just used "was" two times in one sentence. Oh dear! I guess I can break the rules of grammar in my blog.

I feel there is something wrong. I just have that creepy feeling. Last night I had a nightmare and all day I've been freaked out by it. I worry about the past, I worry about the future, I worry about the present (in which I should be studying humor and society). I just cannot pull my mind together. I became depressed yesterday for no apparent reason. It was like a wave came out of nowhere and just hit me. I'm experiencing weird emotions lately. Maybe I'm not eating enough fruit. The universe is swallowing me whole and I'm in the belly of the primitive nature of the world. Hello cliche, how's it going? My id and ego are fighting. I want to write a stageplay with a guy and his id and ego battle it out. I shall call it "Dueling Senses." I hope to dream about it and not another nightmare tonight.

Planet Terror is an awesome movie! It has everything a horror movie should be. Deathproof is a terrible movie! It has nothing a movie should be. That's all I care to comment about that. If I went into the certain aspects of why I hated Deathproof, then I'd become depressed thinking about how cinema is falling down. Amy and I tried looking for a good movie to see yesterday, but really there was nothing that we wanted to see. It was terrible! How can so many bad movies exist at one time? There is a new John Cusack film coming out that looks really cool! I want to punch Eli Roth in the face. I do. He is such a huge dick! I'm beginning to think he and Quentin Tarantino are butt lovers. It does explain a lot. I'm just saying.

I've been playing three songs over and over again. The first is the main title from Grindhouse, the second is from Planet Terror, and the third is from the ending credits of Deathproof. For some odd reason, I have been playing them all the time and love them -- all three.

I'm working too much this week. I don't want to be a baby about it all, so I told John that 40 hours of working with a play every night is fine. I lied. The money will roll in though. Just keep thinking about that trip to New York for a weekend this summer. That is motivation to keep me going strong. I have a feeling that I will burn out again by the end of this week. I'm already stressed from school, now work and a play is added onto the pile. I know, I know, I willingly accepted to do all of these things. I don't have to be in school, the play and work, but I choose to, so really I shouldn't gripe. I have to stop spending money. I bought "A Streetcar Named Desire" from BAM and it is still in my car. I have four papers due in the next few weeks. One in humor and society, two in theatre and one term paper in script analysis (in which I need 10 sources for). The stress will eventually mount up and I have a feeling I will snap. I only hope it is towards actors.

My eyes are hurting. I don't get it, I had a frozen latte from DD this morning and it was really sugary. Very nice!

Tomorrow I have class. I'm really excited, because in script analysis we are starting a new story.

This was a wasted entry.

2007-04-07T15:47:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures from working on the set of Sucker Punch. I cannot believe I have not talked about the shoot in here yet. It takes too much effort for me to sit down and write in my blog. During the day, certain things will come to mind and I think, "Oh man, I cannot wait to write about that in my blog tonight," but by the time I get home, I have forgotten all the cool things. Back to the movie: Working with Tracy and Bret is something really awesome! They are so professional. Imagine wanting to play basketball is your dream and then stumbling into a Michael Jordan who asks if you want to shoot some hoops with him. I have this dream to make films and this is what these two individuals do for a living. I should have a "do or die" attitude. The shoot was an excruciating thirty-six hours total. I had so much fun and learned a lot. There's a particular scene in the movie when Darla opens the curtains and a huge beam of light illuminates the room -- well, guess who was on the other side of that window was whose job it was to pull the back curtains open at the same second she opened them? Me. So now when everyone sees that scene, I can say that I was behind that window on a ladder. I had six lights below me, so it was really hot on the ladder, not to mention to numerous takes it took to open the curtains perfectly the same time she did. I talked to Bret about old movies and David Lynch. He had not seen Inland Empire yet, but he has seen every other David Lynch film in the theater. How cool is that? Bret is a very talented director who still is trying to get inside the mind of his audience to create and manipulate the way his audience thinks. He's literally a descendant of David Lynch. He's talking about shooting another short this Summer, so I had better read up on more material to discuss.

I'm going to steal the topic from Bret's blog to discuss what I have found to be a VERY interesting topic: Lettrism. I'm trying to think about what I can SAY about it. I've been reading constantly and it just fascinates me so much. Isidore Isou founded it when he was sixteen, so right away you know it's some rebellious teenage English paper assignment, but really a lot of how they think really makes the mind wonder. Isou, a filmmaker says in one of his publications:

"I believe firstly that the cinema is too rich. It is obese. It's reached its limits, its maximum. With the first movement of widening which it will outline, the cinema will burst! Under the blow of a congestion, this pig filled with grease will tear into a thousand pieces. I announce the destruction of the cinema, the first apocalyptic sign of disjunction, rupture, this corpulent and balloon organization which is called film."

It's like poetry and Cinema in one. There really are no boundaries for poetry. The author can go anywhere and do anything to achieve the vision. It does not have to be coherent to the reader, it's all about the author's vision. I am of course still speaking about what the Lettrist's believe in, I am leaving my opinion out of this. The Extreme Lettrists were basically anarchists. There really is hardly anything on them and Isou on the Internet. In fact, the project Bret is working on is Isou's work, "Venom and Eternity." I have not been able to find much about the film, but I have not stopped. Lettrists were radical protesters. Once case states they went into a church, bound and gaged the priest as they read their manifesto's to the congregation. Where is this in our history books? They even created their own alphabet and use their language in their poetry and films. Isn't that cool to have a Lettrist film made and in English subtitles. It's not a real language and yet has transformed a new face of cinema.

Now time for my opinion: if this ever caught on, it would be the death of cinema. I have not seen the films, but it sounds like their anarchy propaganda films made by pot smoking art students. Now I cannot make a clear judgment, because I have not seen the films, but it does fascinate me by the fact how much of a change this is. Film really has not gone anywhere. I mean, there have been small transitions, but all together, film has pretty much stayed the same. Keep in mind it is still about the audience. Ticket sales, ticket sales and ticket sales is what generates the movie business and Lettrism is a dropkick to that system and I do applaud the concept of making a change. It should be about the artist presenting the piece of work. The only difference is that a film is a collaborative effort. The director is not the only person involved like in a poem. And not to mention if everyone then started to make movies about themselves then no one would get anything. Basically you'd have Matthew Barney playing at Great Escape. I highly doubt this concept could appeal to a wide variety of people, but it did in France. The independent film scene is big now and this is the type of change that people dream about.

All of this has given me MANY ideas to brainstorm. One in which I am writing out in a stage play. I think it's ironic to have a stage play about cinema. It will be called "The Death of Cinema." Maybe I will make it a one act. It will be about the decision to release a Lettrist film to the American public and the dangers that could possibly follow. It will take place in one location and have only three characters. The story will follow three film executive censor board members right after they finish screening a Lettrism film and the debates that follow and filled with dialogue about the history of film and the possible changes that can occur. I want it to be something along the lines of "12 Angry Men." Like the whole story is whether or not the film should be released, but the main debacle is whether to secretly destroy the only copy. I want a fucking huge climax!

I have not prepared my taxes yet. April 16th is just right around the corner. I get $200 back though, so that makes me a happy camper.

I am really tired. I just got off a long shift and yesterday just about killed me. I just cleaned and dusted my room. I feel so good. Now it is time for a shower!

2007-03-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

The world appears a lot different at 4:30 in the morning. Once getting the shock of the alarm clock, I sit up really fast. It is an awful feeling, because I think the feeling that follows is one of sadness realizing I have to go into work. After a 10 hour shift I am finally home and at first, I felt okay, but now I'm just overly exhausted. There is no way I could do this all the time. Now I really see another reason to admire and worship Ma. She is a worker.

I think Tracy Martin is avoiding me, because she assumed I was being rude. I hope not, because I want work. I emailed her and planned on calling today, but refrained myself from doing so, because I think if she needs the help then she will call me. I don't want to be a pest, always asking if they need help, can I do something? Surely that comes off as somewhat pesturing.

I really need to study for my Humor and Society test. This test will be over Socialization. Usually we have like twenty terms to memorize, but on this test, there are only four.

- Dramaturgy: The study of social interaction in terms of theatrical performance.
- Front Stage & Backstage: The behavior and settings invovled in the presentation of self: During front stage, the actor is directly involved in Impression Management, or Presentation of Self, while in Backstage, the actor is invovled in preparation for, or relieving stress from, Impression Management.
- Presentation of Self: Erving Goffman's term for a person's efforts to create specific impressions in the minds of others; the process in which the actor consciously works to present him/herself in the best light to others as defined by the social role he or she is performing; also known as Impression Management.
- Socialization: The lifelong experiences by which people develop their human potential and learn their culture through interaction with others.

This is a REALLY cool topic. I guess by talking about it, I'm studying so that counts. I mean, the front stage backstage theory is really neat. And it involves theatre which is really cool. It gives me a GREAT idea for a short. I do hate the thought that we are all actors, because it is basically stating truth is apocryphal. Yes, I just found that word on dictionary.com. But seriously, if everyone walks out on their stage and puts on a show, aren't we all liers? Can we trust anyone? It seems a bit contradicting. But then again, like the RHQ theory, people could be different back stage. I think this guy was a theatre nerd who dropped a lot fo acid. We talked about some of this in class on Monday after watching the movie Waiting with Ryan Reynolds. I thought it was suprisingly comical, but made a comment later on as we discussed the concept of Presentation of Self. I commented that someone's back stage could easily be a notebooks or journal. The thoughts expressed are one's you wouldn't share with others and present yourself. The thought of living in journals depresses me. Though living depresses me in general. I need to write. The idea of manipulating characters and putting them in situations different from their own fasinates me. But actually by putting them through these situations, I'm putting myself through the situation. It's better taking my situations, disguising them and putting characters in them. It's like putting a sock over a baby's head to see if they can get it off. I can't wait to be a dad.

I must read lines to unprofessional actors tonight as they failt to recollect their own lines. It's easy. You're given a date to memorize your lines by and you do it. I think I'm just frustrated, because I have to shush the people off stage every second. They talk, talk, talk, talk and won't shut the fuck up during rehearsal. It's like their children. A few weeks ago, Dan blew up and said, "You are the rudest bunch of actors I have ever worked with!!! If this was a professional theatre, you'd all be fired by now." It's called being respectful. I sound like a kindergarden teacher. "Kids, when you are not on stage, I know you want to chat with your buddies, talk about getting completely wasted tonight and which partner you are going to have unprotected intercourse with, and how you love Big Chic, but shut up!!! I hate college students who call themselves actors when they cannot behave. Well, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are actresses and yet they are considered actresses. 50 cent (I couldn't find the cent key) is considered an actor. According to Goffman, we are all actors, so I guess we are all 'Waiting For Goffman."

Time to actually study.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and I think good things happen on Wednesday.

2007-03-22T16:37:00.000-04:00

I always thought this was really cool to think about. Adding characters together to come up with one ultimate character is really neat. David Lynch used this concept to come up with the ultimate Adam Kesher in Mulholland Drive. See below:

JEAN-LUC GODARD

WOODY ALLEN

Marcello Mastroianni

AND YOU GET:

ADAM KESHER

Well, now that I have a bunch of cool pictures in my blog entry I can call it a day. No, not really. I have a lot more I wanted to say in this entry, but I just don't feel I'm up to it. I feel a little eghh inside. Maybe it is from waking up late ths afternoon and sitting around rewatching episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I really love that show. I know that I have said it before, but I can think more about it than coming up with what to say. Here's just a little sip of what I laughed at today:

(Ted and Robin are in the van driving down the road. Robin is wearing a beanie and Ted is depressed. She just told him that she got highlights and it looks terrible)

TED: You know it's rude to wear a hat indoors.
ROBIN: We're not indoors, we're in a van.
TED: Vans have doors.

And the guy who plays Ted is very talented. I have officially added him to the cast list for Fixation as Atel.

I created a blog for Kaleidoscope. I don't know why, I guess just to have something to keep up and put images and clips in. Like a brainstorm journal. I can use it to update my ideas. I have storyboarded at least the first four pages and it's really tough. I hate drawing, but I love drawing. I guess I hate redrawing the same thing just to describe one movement. Well, rehearsal behins in two hours. I had better get on the road. I need to do something productive. Maybe I can swim once I arrive at Gordon. Today, they are doing coreography and singing again, so that means Dad and I can kick back and have another professional chit chat. He's been telling me more and more things about him which is reall cool, but does feel weird breaking the student/teacher relationship, but I guess that's life. He was curious about seeing my storyboards and he told me about how he would jot down a picture of how he wants the scene to look like. Not necessisarily on this production, but on A Chorus Line and Alice.

Yesterday I had to make a copy of the Forum score and it took me two and a half hours to complete. It was the worst two and a half hours of my life. Dan laughed so hard, because he mentioned how he has to do it all the time and all the other Fine Arts professors including himself feel my pain. I said, "I expected you to find me in the copy room dead on the floor with my brains splatered all over the wall and my suicide note being printed out 1,000 times. So, my first stressful act has been completed. As of next Friday, everyone must have their lines memorized. And if not, then I must call their lines out, which will require me to speak in front of everyone.

Maybe if Amy is not doing anything between classes tomorrow I can travel down and we can play tennis. It's such a pretty day and the ATC's at the Hangar tell us it is supposed to be up to 80 on Saturday. I get off at 2:30, so that would mean I can still experience a lot of the warm weather. I want to swim! Sounds like an afternoon tript to Juliette!

Off to rehearsal... Boo! Oh well, I'll think positive! I'm going to listen to this Bloc Party song that was in How I Met Your Mother. I love the song SOOO MUCH! It plays at the end when something big happens and when I hear the song the end of the episode plays back in my head.

2007-03-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, I opened this window up, but I really have to pee, so I will be right back… Okay, I’m back. I’m tired and really really full. I’ve been eating a lot today. Yesterday, practice was cancelled and being the stage manager it was my unlawful duty to call everyone and inform them that practice was cancelled. I did not want to do this, because I hate talking to people I don’t know and DON’T like. I’ve been getting a little pissy, because of the long drive at 10:00 and unprofessional actors. Everything I have heard from all sources tell me that rejection is the one concept everyone in showbiz must grasp. I feel like that is involved with any profession. In one filmmaking book, I read, “You will be rejected.” Of course my film will be rejected from one person or place, but there will be someone else who thinks it might be decent enough to show. Notice I didn’t say that someone else will think it is a masterpiece. I’m not to that point, hope I never will be. But besides that, I feel that actors should go into auditions expecting not to get a role. Gordon Theatre is filled with the types of actors who go into the audition confident as hell. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of confidence, but knowing you are getting the role is a little ahead of yourself. They will not shut up when they’re told to. Of course they won’t – they’re not real actors; only college students who become aroused when the lights shine on them. It’s kind of funny when you’re in a position that involves responsibility. I had to call all these people to inform them of something I truthfully thought they should find out on their own by showing up to an empty theatre with no director. Jokes on them…. No, I called them. I was annoyed to call someone like Lauren who I hate, but then for her to follow it up with a call back asking if practice was canceled. This is what I said in my mind and hope she didn’t hear over the phone: “Did you not just hear the fucking message I said? Don’t ever call this fucking number again, got it? I left a message! Listen to it and leave me the fuck alone!” It’s not hard. But then Beaux called me and said, “Hey, you called?” Of course I called. Fucking hell!!!! Why, oh why do people not listen!? I read that David O. Russell head-butted George Clooney on the set of Three Kings, because Clooney was talking about how ammature the film was. I don’t know the real truth, but I can picture Clooney being a hard ass to David O. Russell, one of the funniest writers ever. I just need to head-butt my actors when they create stress for me.

While Eric was working choreography with the cast, Dan sat down next to me. By the way, I hate Erin’s guts. She is the Music teacher and knows everything about singing and dancing, because she told us that she knows everything about singing and dancing. She played the lead in A Chorus Line and Amy nor I could figure out if she was a ma or woman. We could have sworn an Adam’s apple was present. But enough about the mangirlwomanboy, this part is about Dan sitting next to me. He sat down and said a few words about having the greatest cast he’s had since he’s accepted the position at Gordon. And then Dan opened up and started talking to me like I was an adult. The entire conversation is fuzzy, but I mean he cussed, he laughed and it was really interesting. I felt like a stage manager sitting down with the director, kicking back and having a good laugh. It completely violated the professor/student relationship, but I didn’t care. And yesterday, I forgot to call one person – Veronica. I received a voicemail from her and it went a little something like this: “Hi, Will. It’s Veronica, thanks for telling me practice was canceled.” And her tone sounded really sarcastic. I really worried that she was going to tell Dan and I’d be up shit creek. But then I told myself to relax. So what? I made a mistake. Oh well. My bad. I’ll get over it. I’m working on being worrisome and seriously think I’ve made a breakthrough. She called back saying it was all cool. But…. That was after I called apologizing… FUCK!!! Okay, so maybe I haven’t come across a major breakthrough, but I am still working. Seven weeks to go until the play is over.

Two days I started watching “How I met Your Mother” and I am obsessed with it now. I started watching it my senior year of high school, and saw a few episodes, laughed my ass off, but then stopped. Well, Dad and Lynn gave me the first season on DVD, and I finally opened it up two days ago, and the great two day marathon began. It was SO MUCH FUN!!! I mean, watching one episode after another just made me feel incredibly happy. Every episode is outstanding. It is seriously one of my favorite shows now. The list is as follows:

1) Studio 60
2) Lucky Louie/How I Met Your Mother
3) Boy Meets World

And that’s pretty much it. This show has tied with Lucky Louie! It is a miracle! It’s so great, because I feel emotionally attached. I mean, the show really plays with your feelings. It is one of the funniest fucking shows and it’s also the most gut-wrenching show. It’s more of a character show in which you are introduced to the characters, learn them as the episodes progress and feel like you know them and live with them everyday and drink coffee with them. For the first time, I’m yelling at the TV, “Come on, get her, get the girl! Please God, let him get her!” It has messed with me and I am emotionally attached. I want to write all the funny quotes I can remember, but that will spoil the lines for someone and I want her to watch it without any knowledge of the characters. But if I could, I would write a paragraph, maybe a page for each character. Together, it’s 12 hours of laughing, crying, and complete shock. I really want to sit down with Amy and watch it all. It sounds like a weekend thing!

I have to go into work in thirty minutes. I have refused t shower today, because I just finished the series and I can’t think about anything else. The show has related itself to my life and now it’s puzzling me and freaking me out. I mean, really freaking me out. But I must not allow it to worry me, because I’m working on being non-worrisome. Now I shall go and cleanse my worries away in a shower.

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2007-03-13T10:34:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, my ride home was relaxing. The window down and Elliott Smith playing on the speakers really put me at ease. I really love listening to Elliott Smith, because it just puts me in a great mood and feel great. I’m running out of great things to say. No Name Song # 1 is becoming my favorite, because it’s incredible! Amy told me about the song a couple of weeks ago and I listened to it and liked it, but then after I heard the whole thing, I burnt Drew’s copy of Roman Candle. So I guess you could say the sweet and soft vocals mixed with the swift and yet rough strikes to the acoustic guitar combined with the cool air on a hot day really put me at ease. All memories of being at play rehearsal went away and I was driving without knowledge of a destination. It was quite awesome. And yes, I’m still listening to him. Last night I changed over to Arcade Fire’s new CD and it’s pretty great. Probably only a couple of songs I really like and a bunch of others that are there to take up space and make them look great. I talked to Kirk last night and he likes good music and good movies, so I asked if he’d listened to it yet, but he hadn’t. I think I might burn him a copy. He’s really cool and he let me borrow South Park season 9. Watching Dan direct is really inspirational. As much as I hated the feeling of being involved in the Gordon theatre department, watching Dan is something I don’t think I can learn in a classroom. It was the same with Bret Wood. These two are just so gifted with their craft. Forum is a provocative musical filled with much sex appeal which I’m against, but Dan came to us yesterday and told us we needed to advertise the hell out of this, because it turns out henry players’ performance was the least attended musical ever for them. I laughed and then wondered why we needed to advertise the hell out of it. So I came up with the idea to film a commercial for it. Right away people suggested the sex appeal way, but I don’t think I could bring myself down to filming nonsense and sending it off saying, “Come see our play.” It would be cool to make a little trailer for it and capture a lot of the soon-to-be outstanding set and a few quick shots of scenes. I got my first excuse call last night. Beaux called me and told me he was sick with an infection and was going to the doctor. I broke it to Dan and this was his reaction, “I’m sick with an infection also, and I taught classes all day. Tell him to get his ass up here.” I then told Dan about that quote from the movie Ed Wood where one of the camera men goes up to Wood and says, “Oh, Mr. Wood, I only got two hours of sleep last night.” And Wood responds with a gigantic smile, “Well I got none! And I’m great. Let’s go.” After saying the quote to Dan he said, “Oh yeah, I love that movie!” I was so happy to hear that a person in middle Georgia loves Ed Wood. It’s just so hard with the much appreciation to things like 300 and The Marine from everyone that just makes me cringe. Notice I did not call them movies, because they aren’t. 5 weeks and four days until the play is over. I will be counting every blog entry from now on. Today I might head over to Barnesville Commons before rehearsal to see if anyone gives a flipping fuck about my money for this summer. I am not driving back and forth everyday. I’d rather sleep with the homeless in Barnesville. Hey, I am in no condition to deny any possibility.

Recently I have been worrying about the future. I keep having nightmares and I wake to find myself depressed. It’s the strangest thing ever. I also worry that I have a mild case of bipolar disorder. That, or I just crave for attention. Haha. But really, sometimes I can just be in the best mood and the absolute smallest thing can bring me down. And it can be really small and stupid. But why? Am I just the type of person who makes a big deal out of nothing all the time? I hate the fact I apologize repetitively. It makes me feel even worse and it irritates the one’s I love around me. Why am I writing about my problems? It’s just more writing for people to scroll. Now I’m assuming people read my blog. How ignorant. See, there I go. Why can’t I be normal? And love 300 or The Marine. I’ll actually think violent movies are gross and disgusting. I’ll attend church every Sunday and hope all homosexuals, blacks and Jews go to hell one day. Little girls and boys, that’s supposed to be ironic. It’s tongue and cheek.

Speaking of 300, this is in a review, “Greg Foster, chairman and president of IMAX, conceded, "We've been cultivating the techie crowd of 15- to 24-year-olds who play videogames and watch DVDs.” Fifteen to 24 year olds? Do they realize the movie is rated R? I cannot believe they said that 15 year old kids are coming to their movie. How bad is this? But no, cowboys riding the brokeback is worse than severed body parts and MEN dominating every living thing in sight. On every review site, it gives only the good reviews. All positive reviews from Rolling Stone all the way to The Chicago Tribune, but when I pushed the tiny button that says, “More reviews” I noticed they did not include The New York Times which game the movie a “D” and the opening sentence says this, “300 is about as violent as “Apocalypto” and twice as stupid.” I love reviews like this! And the fact the sites are hiding them makes them even more stupid. It’s The New York Times, come on!

From now on, I will not get frustrated while playing tennis. It really is some of the most fun I’ve head in a while. If only I could play more often. But main point: don’t get frustrated. I only look more stupid than the black kids yelling. I skipped class to play yesterday and it felt really good and yet I got frustrated and I don’t need to get frustrated when I’m having fun while skipping class. I think I’m too hard on myself hoping no one else will be. That’s like getting a bad grade and making yourself feel bad so no one else tells you, “Man, you did bad. You need to do better.” No shit! Speaking of that, I got a “D” on my Humor and Society test. On the essay, she wrote, “Did not address the answer, but I gave you something for trying.” OUCH! I got a 10 out of 20 possible points. For trying!!! And I feel like I addressed the answer properly. My RHQ paper received an “A” but she wrote, “This is more psychological and this class is sociology.” REALLY? Just a little bit of opinion: it takes the individual mind to affect society. Maybe I am just having trouble grasping the concepts. I need to read more Schwalbe.

Now it is time for lunch and the movie “Deep End” which came in the mail two days ago. I’m so excited about seeing this cult film. There’s a scene where a guy who is obsessing over a girl, dives in a pool holding a life-size cardboard body cut-out of the girl and he kisses it and caresses it. I don’t know why I want to see this. Possibly my RHQ working.

.............

2007-03-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

God, I hate the moment during a vacation when you realize that it's almost over. Actually, I'm ready to come home. I miss my girlfriend and my school. Notice "job" falls nowhere near this category. I hate every aspect of working. I guess relaxing helps me understand how worthless my job is to me. I mean, yes, I do make money, but I could make money by other ways to better accommodate my desires. Riverwood Studios are building on 8 acres and adding a replicate city from the early 1900s for production shooting. Oh, how I would love to work at that studio. I would rather lift heavy boxes filled with film canisters and miscellaneous items or numerous backdrops than ask customers if they would like fries with their meal or how would they like their eggs cooked. I’d rather someone get mad at the angle I placed a backdrop rather than overcooking eggs to over medium compared to the desired over easy. My response to that: “Fuck you!” Just the other day, a woman came in to the Hanger and asked for an egg sandwich with regular bread. Okay, so I fried the pan up and took two pieces of bread and held them over the toaster, but stopped myself. Before I could think, the woman yelled, “I said NOT toasted!!! Jeez.” I felt like eating the two pieces of bread and walking out. OR eating the two pieces of bread, making the sandwich and at the register saying “Thaaaank youuuu. You are nice persons.” I’m sorry, but it was 5:45 and anyone who fully is capable of all cognitive functions at 5:45 in the morning is just a dork. But then this woman did not stop there. While I cooked her eggs, she asked for the yolks to be broken, so I hit the yolk three times. She obviously wasn’t happy with the three hard taps, because she reached over the counter and really beat the yolks with a plastic fork. “Why are yall trying to get me to eat raw food,” she exclaimed. I just ignored the bitch and went on cooking the sandwich. But now that I’m on vacation, I really think about why I work. I guess this is normal for people to do when they’re away from home.

The new Arcade Fire CD is really good! I bought it two days ago, but just now started listening to is. I guess I haven’t yet because I wanted to sit down and enjoy it and I’ve been doing something else that wouldn’t require music (IE: watching a movie, reading or at Barnes and Noble). I’m shocked that I have not yet been out on the beach yet. Perhaps that would be a good thing to do tonight. One time, Amy and I went to the beach late night and hopped a gate to a hotel and walked on the beach, but then on our way back, threw our socks in the hotel pool and ran off. It was a lot of fun. Good times. But, now I feel throwing my socks in a pool by myself might not be as fun as it was. I should get a shower sometime soon, because Mom told me that she’ll take me out to lunch and buy me new shoes. I saw a pair of Pumas and a pair of Reeboks that I like equally. It is just a matter of decision-making. I’m looking forward to getting back. Vacations is fun, but ideally it is just not as fun if that person is not present to drink lattes at night with you, or watch movie after movie, or run around the kitchen with while Doogie chases, or laugh at the many jokes Louie and Jim Norton say, or to lie out with parallel in the sun where you can sneak a glance at every once in a while, or to lay sprawled out watching tennis match after tennis match, or walk around the mall making fun on every person we could find, or to exchange late night conversations. Yes, that is indeed something I miss. It is hard being here and not having that. Now, I’m awaiting to arrive home to basil rolls and tiramisu.

2007-03-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

The Florida weather did not clear my sinuses up, they clogged up even more. I arrived to a 55 degree weather Florida and shocked citizens who couldn't believe how cold it was. The following day the weather warmed up to late 60's, so this rapid change threw my sinuses into a loop. I switched from my decongestant to regular CVS Nightquil (or however the fuck you spell it). I'm hoping to feel better, because a lot of event lie ahead. I was on the road to recovery until my car decided to flatten one of its tires. Out in the cold, Amy and I changed the tire and I came home to wake up the following morning sick again. Fuck cold weather. I want to be somewhere that is warm all the time.

I finished reading Titus Andronicus and it is one of my favorite plays. It’s funny and yet incredibly shocking when violent events occur. At times it is really gory and lovely. Yes, I use gory and lovely at the same time. I recently found out I’m fucked up in the mind. During Saturday’s showing of Zodiac, I responded to “Before I kill you, I’m going to throw your baby out the window” with excitement compared to the frightened gasp from the rest of the crowd. But when I failed to see a baby thrown out the window, I was upset and the rest were relieved. After writing my paper on RHQ, I sat and thought about how maybe I’m just fucked up and relating my personal issues to everyone else. At least I wasn’t let down with Titus Andronicus. It was just a brutally as I anticipated. And at Barnes and Noble yesterday, I found the movie version titled “Titus” with Anthony Hopkins and Jessica Lange. I was worried about the movie holding up to greatness of the play, but it did as well. It is half modernized and half ancient. I really loved it. I’m tempted to ask Dan if we can put the play on.

I feel tired. Maybe I need coffee. Drew had his friends over last night and I had to sit in my room quietly hoping they would not find me. Also Papa John came over last night which meant I had to have the usual serious life talk with him. He’s really old. I had to go with his to pick up food last night and it was one of the worst car-ride I’ve ever experienced. Much silence and then every once in a while he’s come in with a serious question. He’s a much worse driver than Dad. I feared my life many times. Today I was supposed to go see Aunt Bobbye, but the trip was suddenly cancelled when Gammie lost her hearing aid and one of her friends is in the hospital. After hearing this news, I just thought Nanoo made it up just so we can spend more time with her. She used to get mad that we would get excited about seeing our great Aunt Bobbye. Drew keeps coming in here and looking at the computer. I have to keep minimizing the window. I awoke this morning to Drew coming in my room while I was finishing Titus, and he told me that Shauna, his girlfriend came over after dropping her sister off and was tired, so she fell asleep with him. I didn’t know what to say. Mom got really upset about her lying with him on his bed watching TV. Perhaps she wouldn’t like the fact that after she went to work, his girlfriend came over and fell asleep with him. Oh well, this matter does not involve me, so I’m staying the hell away from it.

Maria Taylor is playing an acoustic set in Orlando tonight. I’m tempted in making the trip over to see it. Her music is really good. I like her duet group with Orenda Fink, but her new solo album is really great. There are no new great independent films playing around here or anywhere. There’s this movie playing in Orlando called Breaking And Entering, but I don’t care to drive all the way there to see a two hour screen performance by Jude Law.

At the Park Ave. CD place they had a midnight sale for the new Arcade Fire CD last night. I think I’ll go to Best Buy today to purchase it. I’m excited about it.
Okay, time to go take the kids out for breakfast to have chocolate chip pancakes

2007-02-27T15:07:00.000-05:00

It is 3:07 now and I have to stop typing at 3:15 and start studying. I have to go into work at 4:00 and stay there until 8:00 and then come home and study more. I need to study, because in my American History class I've failed the first test and need an A on the Quiz tomorrow. I also need a good grade on my Humor And Society class so I can feel comfort in knowing I'm not just going to class and laughing. For Humor And Society, I need to memorize 11 terms and finish reading a chapter in the text. I have it all planned out. From 3:15 until 3:45 I will study American History, at work I'll memorize the terms and when I get home I will finish up on the reading. Sounds like a plan. Too bad I waited until the last moment. Fuck it, I'm young and stupid. It's college -- the one place you can act like that and get away with it.

I'm going through Inland Empire withdrawls. It's hard to think about the movie, because most of it is just a haze in my memory. Uh oh... 3:12. I had better talk about what I have been dying to say:

I checked my mail this morning to find a sale from Best Buy.com. I guess I signed up on a mailing list to make myself feel important. What, no one emails me. Oh well. But today, there were a bunch of old classic Oscar nominated films for 9.99. So, I ventured to Best Buy to see if it was true. Sure enough, it was! I bought Citizen Kane and Seven, both for 9.99. Also both of them were two-disc special collection editions. Both were priced at $28.99. The register brought up $10.69. Not only were they on sale, but also "Buy one, get one free." My jaw dropped in front of the cashier. I purchased two movies with an original total of $60 for $10. Wow, talk about a fucking awesome deal! I love life!

Oh shit!!! 3:17. I'm in trouble with myself!

2007-02-23T00:46:00.000-05:00

These are stills from the unfinished Alfred Hitchcock's Kaleidoscope. I use them as motivation for my story. Okay, so I might use the boat scene. Fuck it, he never made the film, so I have full right to make my version. I've only written fourteen pages of the script so far and I think it's alright. I mean, there will be many things to change and dialogue alterations. Basically it will be Amy and myself sitting down with a pen marking things out and her adding wonderful dialogue to it. Filming wise, it's going to be a task. Not ont he most part, because Hitchcock wanted to make the movie for under a million dollars and the studio laughed at him. He planned to use steady cameras, narutal light and not hold back in means of violence and sex. There are more stills, but I didn't feel right inserting naked pictures in my blog. The characterization of Kaleidoscope is a lot of fun. The main character, Nick Cassidy (my choice of name), is based on two serial killers: Neville Heath and John George Haigh. Mostly Heath, because he lured young women to him, had sex with them, tied them up, beat them and killed them. In other words, another Jack The Ripper wannabe. Maybe that's why Hitch was attracted to Heath. Hitchcock's first film, The Lodger, was about Jack The Ripper. Perhaps this was his way of going back to add homage to his first. Anyways, the character of Nick is a psychologically derranged character who I have to try my hardest to appear a normal guy in the beginning and then subtly have his inner evil self come out. It's what I call the Hitchcock 3 S-film (Suspense, Sex, and Saguinary). It's 1:00 AM and I think I might call it quits tonight. I hate the feeling of giving up just because of the time. I probably would continue if I had not discovered the earliness of the next day. Oh well, there will be plenty of time to write and kill in the morning.

2007-02-20T14:23:00.000-05:00

I’m really nervous about my court date tomorrow. I mean, I stress naturally, but this time I feel like I’m going overboard. Okay, I was caught speeding, but the fear of losing my license really was enough to cause me to stop and think about things. Since then, I have been obeying the speeding laws and observing how many people break them. I mean, it has gotten to the point where I’m tailed everywhere I go. In the past week, I took a driving course and passed with a 92. I really feel like I’m rehabilitated. Now, a judge might differ. He might say, you broke the law, so you need to pay. And so if they take my license away, what does that tell me? Being cured is not enough, you have to suffer in order to maintain status in the world. Really, all the’re doing is punishing. Sometimes punishing doesn’t achieve the goal. What do I know? I have no room to talk, I’m the client here. I feel irresponsible. In a way, I feel as though I should have taken the time to talk with Mama about the case. I’m bad about procrastinating and I feel like I always save the important things for the last minute. I haven’t been planning what I will do if my license is taken away. I should have been making a plan B for the last several weeks. Shit! How will I get to work? How will I get to school? Will I be able to still go to school? How will I make money? I have to come up with these answers in one night. IT can happen. Oh, I’m fucked. No, I just need to keep my head up. I’ll meet with Mama in the morning, we’ll talk about things and whatever will happen will happen. Maybe I should just wait until tomorrow to worry. I worry too much. I don’t want to not worry and then have to worst to happen, because then I’ll feel so low about my life and all expectations possible. I remember when I took the science test for the second time and got my hopes up about passing it, but when the results came back, I failed. I remember leaving the lunch room, going into the men’s restroom and just feeling the absolutely worst feeling ever. Like I was a failure, I wasn’t going to graduate and my life was over. Well, it got better, I took the test again and passed. Maybe I should use that as a way to make my self feel better now. Bad things happen, but as time goes by, the good will appear. Sometimes I feel like I’m going through a midlife crisis already. Fuck, I don’t know how long I’m going to live. For all I know I could die at 40. That would mean, I’m suffering my midlife crisis already. I’m thinking too much and worrying too hard. No, I’m thinking too hard and worrying too much. Fuck! I need to clear my head tonight. What can I do that clears my head, relieves stress and makes me feel good? Hmmm…. Guessed it yet? The answer is watching Lucky Louie! But even Louie had a license. Fuck!

I’m going to work… I’d better drive extra long while I still can enjoy it.

2007-02-17T16:08:00.000-05:00

Fuck you, Google! That's right. Stop buying everything! We get it, you have lots of money and want to control the internet. Go right ahead, but one day when you put all the money on stocks and lose it all, we'll see who is laughing then. You'll be forced to GIVE BACK blogger to the rightful owners whoever the fuck they were. This is the company who the government goes to and asks to view personal information. With Google, you can see where someone lives. The world is the internet now. One day we will all be forced to live our lives throught the computer. Itunes is already selling movies. I can't watch a movie on anything smaller then my hand. That is my philosophy!

Today was the last show of Alice In Wonderland. Thank you, God! I'm so tired of seeing this play and doing random shit ont he sides. Today, one of the actresses asked me if I could go get her a bottle of water. I laughed and walked away. The set is probably the most remarkable event of the entire play. Its close detail is outstanding. Tony painted it, and he proved to be a genious at painting. From the audience, the fountain he painted actually looked as though water flowed from the top. And the set pieces were large opened books. Alice In Wonderland being on stage right and Through The Looking Glass on stage left. The world Alice was caught in fell inbetween both. The script really sucked. I have to write two critiques since I am in two theatre classes and hate it. I don't want to write two papers. I'd rather write one and make a copy. I don't want to write, because it's hard coming up with things to say about the production and I'll be up until late night and I have to get up at 4:30 to work. AGHHH! I hate this! Life fucking sucks!

One Wednesday, I refused to register for a Google acount and so I created a whole new blog from a self distributed blog site. I thought about this for a while and decided to keep this blog and make the other one my RHQ blog. I think it will be interesting. I can use it to support and hopefully copywright the theory of Repressed Humanistic Quality. Maybe I'm just fucked up... More than likely.

Excuse me, I have to go write two papers and prepare for a miserable time waking up at 4:30. Maybe there are more packages in the mail outside.

2007-02-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

Fuck wind! Fuck wind! Fuck wind!!! I really hate the wind! Why would God create something like the wind? You have this really nice warm day, you’re walking across campus (which is a long fucking walk) and suddenly a gust of air comes from a direction, takes away about twenty five degrees, and knocks you off balance. It was really bad today. I was just walking to class this morning at 8:00 AM to take my test (I’ll get to that in a minute) and the wind blows. It is completely unnecessary! I was freezing and then I became colder and it’s always hard to walk against the wind. Fuck the wind to hell. They need it down there anyways. It’s just another useless invention like the cell phones with the option to put someone’s picture next to a phone number.

Yesterday morning in my sleep, I awoke to a realization. The realization was discovering that I forgot to turn my paper into turnitin.com by midnight the prior night. It was 8:00 the next morning and I just then remembered. It was a really bad feeling. So I had to drive down to Gordon to do two things: 1) Tell my teacher I was lazy, forgot to turn my paper into the site and ask for another deadline AND 2) Ask Dr. Parson if I can take her test another date, because we have a performance during the test. I talked to Dr. Parson first. I told her that the Dean of Gordon is allowing me to be excused from class for the performance and I wanted to come and talk to her about it. I really would not have done this for any other professor, but I really want to be on Dr. Parson’s good side. She said that I did the right thing by coming to her, because she usually doesn’t read anything from the Dean. She offered me two options: 1) I could come in at 8:00 AM during another class and take the test OR 2) Allow my next test to count twice. I was shocked by the second option. Right away I wanted to choose that one, but then I thought about what if I do even worse on that one. We only have two exams in the semester, so I have to do great on both of them in order to pass. So I took the option of taking the test this morning at 8:00 AM.

Then I waited until my Humor and Society professor had her office hours at 2:00. I talked to this lesbian in my class and she said just to tell the professor that I didn’t have a computer and she’ll give me another deadline. In a way, I wanted to tell her the truth and that I was lazy and accept the consequences, but I worked really hard on this paper and was really proud of it. Lucky enough, fate never caught up with me. If anything, fate was asleep, because it just so happened that Turnitin.com experienced a glitch that night, so hardly anyone was able to turn in their papers.

I’m really pissed off now. I woke up early this morning to the sound of Lynn moaning and yelling. She was throwing up and it just so happens she had to do it loud enough for everyone to hear it. And also last night Lynn found a Benedryl packet in Dad’s pants as she was washing them. Dad is not supposed to take any other types of medicines do to the danger of mixing with his usual meds. Benedryl was on the list of ones he is not allowed to take. Dad was already falling asleep in the chair when I walked in and Lynn found the packet, so she started accusing him and demanding to know where the rest of them were. He went to the back and brought out two gel tablets. She asked where the box was and he said they were in packs of two. She asked where the box was again and he said that he threw it away and just kept the pills in his pocket. I didn’t feel like putting up with this shit again, so I went to bed. I heard her yelling at him for a while and his slurring back to her. It made me angry, but nothing different from the ordinary. And so I awoke this morning to the sound of Lynn violently vomiting. It was disgusting, so I just put the pillow over my head. My alarm went off and I got up. I peeked in Dad and Lynn’s room to find just her in bed. I peeked around the corner to find Dad sprawled out on the couch and his Z-PAP machine on the table juxtaposed to the couch. I ignored him and walked out. So I just got home and Lynn said that she just ate something bad, but that she had to take Dad to the doctor today. She is really freaked out now. She told me that she has to do her won work plus dad’s tonight and asked me what I wanted from Chick-fil-a. I asked for chicken strips and extra honey mustard and in addition to that I told her I would stay out of her way so she can get work done. But after that I also asked for lemonade from Chick-fil-eh. She got really mad and said that she was going out now and it will just sit in the fridge and get cold. She wanted to know why I wanted something to drink and I told her I was out of drinks. So, then she said that she didn’t have time to go grocery shopping for me. I didn’t ask for her to go grocery shopping, I just want to crunch on crushed ice. So now she said, “Will, I need you to go to the grocery store. I need you to run some errands.”

Okay, scratch all of that. Amy and I went out for Valentine’s Day and she rehabilitated me from all the stress and anxiety from home. I just walked in and Lynn greeted me at the door and apologized. She told me that she understood why I left and doesn’t blame me at all. We talked for a while and Lynn said, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” It was a really awkward situation, so I just told her I can’t tell her what to do, but that I know whatever decision she makes will be in best for everyone. I feel really bad for Dad and Lynn right now. She was really hard on me earlier with Amy, but she realized how bad she was being, which is odd, because she never does. It does make me question her love for my Dad. But he is hurting her and himself, so he technically is brining it on himself. But my point is, I told her that whatever decision she makes will be in best for everyone. How are we all able to benefit with her departure? It will make a great ending for my story, but running away from us is not going to make things better. If anything, it will make it worse. Dad could quite possibly become addicted to stronger things. He had a meeting with the DS today to discuss his position coming up this summer and where he might move to. Dad got in the car to drive to his meeting. What a moron! I mean, if the DS saw Dad like this, then he’d be fired in a heartbeat. That means we’ll be forced to find a new home on primarily what Lynn makes and she’s a teacher. And of course that’s if she’s still willing to love him “through sickness and in health.” Of course I could move in with Ma, but then I’d worry about Dad on his own every single day. He can’t take care of himself. Honestly, he’s really dependant towards everyone. After Mom left him, he fell to a helpless state and then he met Lynn who did everything for him. She fills his pills in a weekly container like he’s an old man. I just don’t know what to think of him anymore. I mean, he’s not being a father figure to me or Drew. I can’t bear to tell Drew what is going on, but then I don’t want to keep it from him. I really hate keeping things from people. My entire childhood consisted of people keeping things from me….. Oh dear, I’ve found myself rambling on as if I’m writing a story. Amy told me that my life would make a great story. Maybe I should just write it out and vent through the process of narration. I’m hitting the journal!!!

Time for some writing and a movie!

2007-02-12T20:31:00.000-05:00

I’m home and pretty sad. There was so much to do in Savannah and we did SO much! At first it seemed so much to handle for a weekend, but we really had a great time. I really feel sad that I’m back home. There’s just something about coming home to a family who says, “Hey, you’re back. Did you have a good time?” and then goes back to their lives. They didn’t even want to sit down and hear about my trip. Maybe I should get out more. Amy and I should take more trips like these. It’s so much fun, because we always find something to amuse us. The highlight of the trip is a mix between “I will killll yyyouuu!” and “Are you fuckin’ with me?!” From the car ride down to Gordon at 7:00 AM all the way to the early evening drive back, we were filled with excitement and used it to entertain one another. Being with Amy just makes me feel great. She’s the only person who really knows me better than anyone else. I’ve told her things I keep deep secrete and I love her. She doesn’t mind my little quirks, except if I drive around in a parking lot. Haha. She’s really helped me through so much and I can always count on her. I’m talking about her so much, because we spent the entire weekend together and now we’re apart. Oh well, I guess this will add excitement to see her again. She’s so beautiful. I realize I find myself glancing over at her many times, but I just cannot help it. There’s just something about watching her pull her hair out and seeing that smile that just puts me in a state I cannot describe. It takes me out of this boring, stressed world just to see her. It brings me so much joy telling everyone that she’s my girlfriend. We’ve been together for THREE years! Honestly, I have never felt committed to anything more than our relationship. So many guys don’t really hope to find the right one so soon, but I have found her and she makes me so happy. And everyday I wonder what it is that I can do to bring her as much joy as she’s given me.

Today I lied to everyone involved in Alice In Wonderland. Oh well. Maybe I’ll feel bad for it. Maybe…. Maybe not…. Maybe go fuck yourself! Haha, I love that line so much! The Departed comes out in TWO days!!! I’m going to make it a missions to watch it everyday for the next whenever. But back to the drama department. I really didn’t want work to interfere with our vacation, because Sunday allowed us to have a whole days worth of fun and all that would not have occurred if it had not been for the decision to lie. I really was talked into fulfilling the role of Assistant Stage manager. If I wanted the position I would have accepted the role of THE stage manager and I declined the offer! Now I get to use my acting abilities by walking in tomorrow and giving a performance of a man who was trapped in a city due to car trouble and did not get home until 2:00 AM.

WHAT A DORK!

Savannah is SO beautiful! I really should go down a lot more often. I would love to study film, live in the city, and walk around the various streets on whatever time I have left. I could live off of Talking Heads, Wolf Parade, Dropkick Murphys, and The Faint. Unlike any of the SCAD kids, I’ll feel good about myself. And unlike the many people waiting in line for Lady n’ Sons, I’ll walk in and help myself to the buffet.

IT’S ME BOB!

Dad and Lynn just told me they might not be going on their cruise because dad miscalculated their taxes. They owe $7,000 to the IRS. It sucks to be in their boots. I want to tell them not to get anything for my birthday and help them out, but what if their already doing that and I sound ungrateful, expecting something in this crisis of theirs? And not to mention, Amy and I have plans when during their vacation. We have so many movies to watch! Last night we watched Captain Ron and Dark City. A great comedy and a creepy sci-fi noir, action flick is just the needed excitement to have a great night.

I wrote all this yesterday and forgot to paste it and publish it. That shows how lazy I truly am.

2007-02-05T23:09:00.000-05:00

I swear I’m going to start updating regularly. I sound like Natalie Holloway before she left for her trip: “Don’t worry Mom, I’m not drinking anymore. I’m going to start being responsible.” Let me think about what I can say now. I want to kill my History professor. Really, she is a huge bitch. Today, she was on fire. For every question she asks, there’s always one answer. One girl asked her, “Well, could there be more than one answer, like another reason?” Dr. Parson fired back with “There is only one answer!!! And that is the RIGHT answer!” She fussed a bunch of people out in class today (Yes, I said fussed out). I just do not get why she has to talk as if we’re retarded. Fuck, a retarded person would want to kick her face in. Speaking of retarded people, there’s this cripple in my Humor and Society class and he was getting on the elevator in the Russell Hall, when I spotted him and ran around the corner and down the staircase. By the time I approached the bottom step, the elevator doors were just opening. I wanted to yell, “Haha, I beat you, you fucker!!!!” I don’t know why, but it seemed like something that would make a great a comedy. But back to the Rod Stewart look-a-like cunt! She’s so unreasonable. Matt is a huge clown. He drew a picture on a Puritan on a hill and told me he was going to give it to her after class. God, he is so funny. I’m worried that he might get me in trouble. I should work on keeping a straight face. I cannot wait until the Professor Evaluation. Matt said he is going to psychologically diagnose her with a disorder in the evaluation. I couldn’t stop laughing after he told me this. I can see it now. But she is such a bitch! I mean a real bitch! I took the class, because I thought she would be a ragging feminist liberal who hates mankind, but instead she’s a strong conservative who loves the world and wants us to suffer because she knows more than we do and it’s our fault for not being prepared intellectually for the class. Fuck her and her fucking hair!

I’m SORE excited about leaving for Savannah this Friday! I’m looking forward to getting away period. It is going to be so nice. It might not be hot enough to swim, but I read that the hotel has a Jacuzzi, so that might be nice, warm and relaxing. Movies to watch: Calvaire, Dark City, Art School Confidential, The Dying Gaul, and Lucky Louie. I remember watching movies in New York and dying from laughter. There’s nothing like watching Ellen and Bill Pullman act together. “Jump off a cliff with me.” Haha, every time he says that, I go into a laughter coma.

I ordered The Departed Poster and I’m getting it framed for my wall. It’s going to look so awesome! I love that movie so much! I still have to see it again before I purchase the DVD next week. It’s so good!!!!!!! I’m trying to think what else I could possibly say about it. It’s just one of the greatest movies I’ve seen!

There’s this song by a band called Pulp entitled “Like a Friend.” This song is featured in the successful remake of Great Expectations. The song plays while Ethan Hawke draws Gwyneth Paldrow. It’s such a great song. The chorus goes like this: “You are the last drink I never should have drunk, you are the body hidden in the trunk, you are the habit I can’t seem to kick, you are my secrets on the front page every week, you are the car I never should have bought, you are the train I never should have caught, you are the cut that makes me hide my face, you are the party that makes me feel my age.” It’s a really nice upbeat song filled with good melody and a smooth English accent. I love good music!

Studio 60 just gets better and better. The Christmas episode gave me chills and tonight’s really impressed me. Matthew Perry is arguing with a girl off stage for whom he’s supposed to present an award to. He’s in love with her, but he won’t admit to it and she won’t drop her feelings for another man. She admits that she loves thinking about sleeping with the other guy and then Matthew Perry is announced to the stage to present the award to her. He looks at her and says, “Well, that’s it I guess” and walks to the podium. He looks out to the audience holding his pain inside and begins thanking the party’s planner and all the people for making the night possible to present an award to such a great woman. He tells a joke and in the middle he subtly stumbles several times and let’s out an “umm” every other word. He gets to the end and says the punch line, receives a few laughs and then tries to continue speaking, but stumbles and says he can’t go on and announces her name. She walks out; he gives her the award and walks away. Watching Matthew Perry break apart slowly and subtly was really GREAT acting. I NEVER was at least an ounce impressed with him ever, but tonight I was blow away. He tried so hard to hold it in and it tore him up physically. It was really great! I love the show so much! I have so much respect for the writer/creator, Aaron Sorkin. I never was too interested in the West Wing, but his fast paced, verbose, intellectual comedy is phenomenal. It’s like David Mamet writing about the people behind Saturday Night Live. I found out that Aaron Sorkin wrote A Few Good Men. He wrote the original Broadway play and the movie screenplay. He also wrote a sitcom called Sports Night which was tortured by the critics. The critics were getting on his bad side with Studio 60, because it’s not the type of comedy accepted by the general audience. He basically said, “Fine, I’ll add in a fucking romance if that will make you fucking happy.” So now there’s a romance, but it’s still within the boundary of David Mamet writing a romantic comedy.

Tomorrow’s plans: Study, work on story for driftwood, and work. One out of the two won’t be too bad. Which are you thinking? While you’re thinking, I’m calling in sick.

It’s late and my back is still bothering me. Maybe I should get in bed and watch a movie. Goodnight to all!

2007-01-25T14:36:00.000-05:00

By all means, let’s cause an uproar concerning Dakota Fanning being in a movie with a rape scene! I really don’t see why Fox News film critics should be able to judge Dakota’s mother and herself for making the decision to be in the film. First of all, there is not a single shot of nudity. Of course now the religious groups want to hop on the bandwagon and criticize her mother. And this is my favorite argument in their favor: Girls like Drew Barrymore suffered and Dakota will be next. Okay, we understand that Drew was fucked up, but she was also addicted to drugs before she posed nude. Dakota is in rape scene for hardly one minute. God, why should people judge others for doing their job? No one became upset when ten year old Jenna Malone had a rape scene on a Lifetime movie. Maybe because that’s Lifetime and it’s okay for Lifetime to get away with everything. I realize my argument makes absolutely no sense, but just let the girl do what she wants to do. This could be her dream to be in a role that challenges her psychologically. So back the fuck off! She has a lot of competition! That little brat from Little Miss Sunshine is up for an Oscar. Dakota’s sister, Elle Fanning has already been in challenging roles. So, let Dakota do what she wants to do. Tell your own damn kids not to be in movies like these.

I’m in the middle of writing a script for a short that would possibly make a good and easy short. I’ll give details later.

Yesterday in History class, Dr. Parson lectured about the Protestant Reformation and went into the “spiritual reasons” why citizens felt the need to turn to Protestantism and denounce the Catholic Church. Dr. Parson became quite preachy. Her reasons were to give an effect that would seem real to what it was back in the Seventeenth Century. She went on into how the Catholic Church reaped a fortune off of indulgences and explained what indulgences were for the people who did not know. After that she described how we can thank Adam for sin in the world today. One guy in the class raised his hand and asked, “Wasn’t it Eve who sinned first?” Suddenly the class became very upset at his question and considered his question sexist. A couple of other people legitimately debated the issue whether it was Adam’s fault or Eve’s fault. Dr. Parson claimed to be right and made the guy apologize for his question. I turned to Jarhead Matt and said, “I think it’s God’s fault.” I kind of wished that I could have said it louder to see what reaction I would receive, but then I would be forced to follow it with an apology. I don’t think I could apologize to any professor for my beliefs. They never apologize for their own that they force upon us, so why should I? Does having an AA, BA, and MA allow you to no longer have to feel sorry for your opinion? Oh college. But I highly doubt that Adam OR Eve sinned for the cause of a debate about which sinned first. What next? Cain killed himself and framed Abel? Sounds like a sitcom!!!

John is coming in town tomorrow. I just want to say hello, give him my Christmas present and leave. I really dislike The Barnesville gang. I can stand John, but mostly everyone else is just completely stupid. I know I may be coming down too harsh on everyone, but damn! Oh well, just another reason for me not to drink.

The other day Dad and I were discussing the Amy and Will Anniversary vacation and Lynn exclaims, “What?!!! When were you planning on telling me about this?” Just to let you know, I told her. Dad even backed me up, but Lynn yells, “You two buddy buddies are always gaining up on me! You just have your own club and leave me out of everything. You’re blowing your money again!” We had been discussing my 21st birthday next year and she talked about paying for a trip to the Bahamas and after this “incident” she said, “I WAS going to give you a trip to the Bahamas, but I want to spend my money on people who care about me. You don’t care about me, so I’m taking my money elsewhere.” I told her a while ago and Dad was in the room. I know it, Dad knows it, now whether she remembers is her own problem. She does this way too many times. She’s going through her ignoring phase where she tries to make me feel guilty my not hugging me when I attempt hugging her tonight. She even argued with me about the War in Iraq and how it’s people like me who are ruining the country and not in support of anything and how people like me were the reason Vietnam was a disaster. I think she has her History mixed up with her Ambien prescriptions. I’m not feeling guilty for not doing something in which I did. I’m going to Savannah whether she likes it or not. When she gets like this I should just look her in the eye and laugh as loud as I can and yell, “Hault Caesar! You dare to claim thy actions. Get along with you!” And then I shall exit.

John, my Boss just called and asked me to pick up two gallons of bleach before coming into work. AHHHHH!!! Work!!! Now time for a shower and to see if anything is outside in my mailbox! It’s exciting!!!

2007-01-23T12:45:00.000-05:00

All I have to say about the Oscar nominations is that I'm sick and tired of ranting inside my own head. I could lay out every category and nomination here, describing all I hate about each, but I won't. It's a sad day for cinema. People spend their whole lives making films and it's their passion. I'm sure Clint Eastwood doesn't have passion. I don't know for sure, but he ranks in so much for every film that it seems impossible that every time he makes a "masterpiece" it makes money. I believe Clint saw an opportunity in making a Japanese film, due to the current trend of foreign films, and now he'd nominated for best director. I have a passion to direct and to see this guy get nominated AGAIN, it just makes me so angry. This is like Tom Clancy winning the Nobel Prize for Literature. It just is not right to allow great films to go unrecognized. Not only that, but Steven Spielberg is nominated for producing Letters From Iwo Jima. Give me a fucking break! Fuck the people and what they want. Who the fuck cares about Dreamgirls and Little Miss Sunshine. I benefit nothing from these films. So I'll sit back and be entertained. Fuck entertainment. I won't care if anyone likes my films. Does a painter watch what he's doing closely, because he's afraid people won't like it? No. God, I'm ragging with anger. Oh well, who cares.

I talked with Curtis in the costume shop and he was going on and on about how great Dreamgirls is. He was listening to the soundtrack and telling me all these great things. So, a Broadway buff got off to a singing movie. Big deal. What's the point? At least Little Children and The Painted Veil served a purpose. I could go on and on discussing the important issues. Maybe it's because I care so much about film and I take it seriously, compared to others who abuse it and feel as though I'm no different than they are. Of course everyone can WATCH a film, but I do more than watch. At least when Amy and I see a film, we discuss things about it which are legitimate. Oh well, people will be people and fucking assholes will be fucking assholes.

And to the people who are upset that Dreamgirls wasn't up for Best Picture. BIG FUCKING DEAL! Boo hoo! There are people ranting on how the Academy is racist for not nominating it for Best Picture. How ignorant can some people be? The Academy gave Jamie Fox an Oscar. That alone not only proves their stupidity, but does in fact prove they are not racist. Fucking people.

How about this, Letters from Iwo Jima also is nominated for Best Screenplay. Guess who wrote it? Iris Yamashita and PAUL HAGGIS! Why that old ass kissing cunt! Not again! And last time I checked, Americans were not fantasy nerds. What the hell is Pans Labyrinth? I know it's directed by some famous Mexican director. By the way, I have a sheer feeling that (aside from the brilliant ones) most of the Mexican people were nominated because it's right to show diversity. The Academy is great, because they give nominations to foreigners. God bless em! Sarcasm... But really! Was the editor of Babel actually worth giving a nomination to? NO!

Also, when Selma Hyeck (I don't care how to spell her name) announced the nominations, the president of the Academy read the Best Actress nominations, he read, Penelope Cruz and Selma Jumps and yells, "Yessss!!!" How immature to just jump up and get excited because someone of your nationality was nominated. And another thing about immaturity, When Jamie Fox hit the stage for the Globes, he looked over to the side and yelled, "Hooty hoot. Uh oh! Izzo! I see you ova dere!" He was announcing to the crowd that he was friends with rapper Jay Z who was escorting his girlfriend, Beyonce. Jamie, you're such a fucking asshole!

Also, why the hell is United 93 up for awards? I thought this was a Lifetime movie! And why is their director up for a nomination? Surely he took Todd Field's spot.

Clint Mansell is not nominated for best score. Dreamgirls is nominated THREE TIMES for best original song. That means during the course of the Oscars, we have to sit through three goddamn performances for Dreamgirls. Fuck it, I'm not watching. By the way, Amy will get a kick out of this. Other films that were nominated in smaller categories: Poseidon, The Black Dahlia, Superman Returns, and Click.

Little ten years old Abigail from Little Miss Sunshine stole Emily Blunt's nomination. Speaking of Little Miss Sunshine. I did a little research and it turns out the filmmakers spent 9 Million dollars to make Little Miss Sunshine. I highly consider the fact an independent filmmaker could raise 9 Million dollars on his/her own. Greg Kinnear alone must have taken at least a million or two. And then you have funny man Steve Carell who is rich and famous now. It makes me sick to hear Regis and Kelly talk about how great independent films like Little Miss Sunshine and Babel are getting so widely known. How about this, Ryan Gosling is nominated for his performance in Half Nelson, a movie that spent less than a million to make. Now you don't see many films under a million dollars making it big. I guess you have to be 9 million in order "to be considered" independent.

Well, not let me talk about the good (of what little there is). First let me congratulate The Painted Veil on their zero nominations, Little Children with three nominations, The Prestige with only two, and Ryan Gosling for Best Actor.

I think I'm done ranting. Nothing I say is important anyways. I feel bad. I have to go in and work at four and still have to read up in History class and read up in Humor and Society. I feel bad. I need something to cheer me up.

2007-01-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

This morning I awoke with my body drenched in sweat. This is partly a result from the eight pound sleeping bag draped over my comforter. Early on last semester, I told myself I was not planning to freeze during the night at all this winter. I have been waking up warm and cozy, but this morning, my entire body was covered in sweat. This is mainly a reaction from my three dreams from the night. All three were nightmares and connected. The first, I was apart of a four person adventure team. We found this land in the African/Indian Safari, and stumbled upon an old tribe and Pyramid-like temples. We explored deep into the temple to find a group of tribal natives. They ran us out, throwing spears and launching rocks at us. I caught a spear in the side of my ribs and fell into the shallow river we were running across. I pulled my head out of the water and saw a native standing over me. My body was cut up and served at the local feast. I could feel every ligament being pulled out and every bite taken to my flesh. I was then inside the mind of a horse. I stood tied to a post when all of a sudden two groups of people began fighting. It was an all out battle between two tribes. I pulled myself free and ran into a building. The building was a warehouse for the tribes. I pulled box after box off the shelves, opening to see the contents. I heard loud voices coming from the entrance. I jumped in one of the boxes labeled: "Beer," hoping to be transported someplace where I wouldn't be in fear of my life. The box was transported... to the feast. I was then inside the mind of the tribal leader of one side. I stood on my post watching as the enemies swarmed our beach and began charging towards myself and my people. I ran away as dinosaurs ate my people. I found myself running down an alley. I stopped about half way down and leaned on the wall. After that, I woke up. I was really terrified! The situation all seemed real and scary!

Last night I watched Louis CK's HBO special, "Shameless." I laughed aloud and hard for about the first twenty minutes. After that, he insisted on redoing his unfunny jokes about sucking dicks. It wasn't funny, and I found it pathetic. I don't know why I was really upset. Maybe because I know he has the potential of a great comedian, he just chooses to stand up and talk about a subject I don't care to hear. Every once in a while he would come back and say something funny, but overall, he just took up too much time to continue his offensive, crude, unfunny dick jokes. And he kept going on and on and on. I got to the point where I was thinking, "God, we get it! Change the fucking subject!" I don't know. I guess I'll just have to stick with my Lucky Louie DVD and the memory of seeing him in New York when he was actually funny. And who know, he might impress me again later on down the road.

Tracy Martin sent me a line asking me if I'd like to help her out with her new short. Here's her actual words:
"Hey Will, How are you doing? And do you wanna help me make my next short? I'm shooting the last weekend of Feb. (I think, still rounding out my location) I remember you working your ass off when we shot RAPTURE; I'd love to have you on my team. I have a shooter (maybe) and a gaffer...ooh, I need to confirm my sound guy, but you'd be great. I promise it'll be interesting. Tracy"

I'm so excited! This is just what I need. More work and experience. Watching Bret Wood is one of those things that I will forever hold true as something that no filmmaker can learn in a class or a book. Ken Feinberg told me the same thing about watching Ron Howard direct Parenthood. I guess it's a new visual hands on style knowledge. I'll have to read on this. Haha.

The Golden Globes come on tomorrow night! I'm excited to see Little Children go far. If not, then I will rant some more in this blog. I knew this thing was useful somehow.

Why the fuck is Collin Farrell in the new Woody Allen movie?

Films I want to be nominated for Oscars: The Painted Veil, Little Children, The Prestige, 13 Tzametti, Why We Fight. All great movies of the year!

I have recently taken a strong interest in Caligula. I saw the A&E biography the other night and like Hunter S. Thompson, I am obsessed. I saw bits and pieces of the movie a long time ago at my friend Chris' house. I was appalled with what I saw and watched something else. Chris' house was where I could go to watch all the bad movies. Mom wouldn't allow. She was too busy teaching us morals and hiding the fact she was a lesbian. But back to Caligula. He would psychologically torture his people. He benefited pleasure off of manipulating the sufferers by making them think they were going to live and then killing them. Once, he threw a man in a pit of lions. The man ran from the lions until he was cornered. Before the lions could maul the man, Caligula pulled him out to safety. He cut the man's tongue out and threw him back into the pit. No remorse. I ordered the stage play written by Albert Camus. I'm excited to read it. This sounds like the ideal perfect, violent, character driven play I want to direct on stage.

Speaking about directing plays, I looked up the University of West Georgia's theatre site and they allow students to write and perform their own plays. Now how much of that statement is accurate is unknown to me, but it made me excited. West GA is the college in Carrollton, where I used to live. When I think about Carrollton, I remember bad events occurring to me, but I'm older and mature now. I bet they're all in jail or hopefully dead. Ha-ha, just kidding. I remember Chris' dad was in a band called "Fatty Assids." The singer was my mom's co-worker at Graphic Visions. I now laugh when I hear the phrase, "Fatty acids" because I think about it being phrased as fatty assids. I’ve been thinking a lot about Carrollton lately. Not really the bad, but how much that affected me as a person. I haven’t spoken to Chris in over three years, and that was a random call in which his voice sounded as if he really was shocked I called. I always had fun at Chris’ house. I never had friends until I met him. We made these parodies about Scary Movie. I still have all three of them. It’s probably about two hours combined. The place to escape from Carrollton was called the Arbor Place Mall in Douglasville. Every time I entered the mall, I felt happy. It was the closest mall we had and it was something new to the town. I spent hours upon hours in Borders, reading and looking at movies. I think I might want to take a trip back to that mall sometime. They might have more great movies.

Wow, I’m just typing and typing and typing. Surely this can’t be interesting to read.

Amy and I are going to Juliett tomorrow, and I am so excited about it! I want to film these spots that she captured with her camera. We are also planning a trip to Savannah, where we shall spend our third year being so happy together. The Days Inn on River Street is only $55 a night. I’m SORE excited! It’s going to be so much fun to get away and travel together again. We always have fun on the road. When we’d drive to Florida, the funniest things happen. My ultimate goal is to save up money to go somewhere special for Spring Break. She’ll LOVE it!

I’m tired. I want to watch a movie and get something to eat. Willy hungry!

2007-01-06T20:41:00.000-05:00

I have to remember to update this more often. I'm falling down on the job. I don't know. Tonight, I don't feel too great. A bit pessimistic actually. I don't know the reasoning behind it, but for the oddest reason I feel empty inside. I usually never get like this.

The movie tonight was really great. It's always great being reminded why I want to make films. I ordered this new book about filmmakers and the obstacles many went through when trying to achieve success with their dreams. Hopefully it's inspiring. Why can't I feel motivated after watching a film, oh wait, I am. I feel that the only way to achieve my dreams is to get off my ass and go for it. I'm sick and fucking tired of coming up with excuses.

School starts Monday. I'm looking forward to getting back and learning. I always love gaining knowledge. I'm not looking forward to being in the company of the "Barnesville People." I was so happy when school ended, because I was sick and tired of being around these people. There's so much tolerate. Mainly I've decided not to audition for any roles, because I don't want to be around these people. Their ignorance makes me feel bad for them, but makes me feel worse knowing that I'm tolerating them. I don't care about who slept with who and who got plastered. It's all pathetic! Yes, I hung out with them and made a few friends, but I don't want to affiliate myself with them. I don't want friends. I have Amy. Friends bring you down. Didn't high school teach anyone anything? Tonight, after Amy and I left Gecko Grille (I do realize I might have spelled that wrong, which is actually ironic, because at Amy's work party, we played a game and my question was to spell Gecko Grill), she looked at me and said how cool it was that it's hard for people to believe that we're still together. It's fucking awesome! I love her so much. She does so much for me. Call me sappy, fuck you!

I hate feeling lethargic. It's stressful and it makes me feel tired and empty inside. It's just that sometimes I feel that I'm not amounting to what is expected. Like I'm not doing enough. Like I need to do more. Why, oh fucking why do I feel like this tonight? I never know the reasons behind any of my problems. Probably manstration. Exercise could probably cure this. Maybe late night racquetball is needed tonight. Fuck it, I'll crawl in bed and listen to my Mood Jazz Mix on my iPod. Billie Holiday's "In My Solitude" really does the trick.

2006-12-19T11:41:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe my ears and eyes. Miss USA is not going to be dethroned thanks to Donald Trump. Okay, this guy has always been a douche bag to me. I've always hated rich people who use their money to impose a higher authority. But back to the cunt with the crown. She was found drinking underage and tested positive for cocaine use. She's also known to "make Paris Hilton look like a baby." This morning, there was a press conference set up to hear Donald Trump's decision whether to fire her or not. (Still, I haven't a clue why Donald Trump is judging a beauty pageant) Trump came out and announced that Tara Conner will be given a second chance and can be used as a role model for all confused girls. AND the fact she traveled from Kentucky to The Big Apple at a young age and became caught up in the trouble everyone gets caught up in when coming to New York. Holy shit! Is this really happening? The bitch has been found drinking and tested positive for cocaine! And gets a second chance? Whatever happened to the infamous "War On Drugs?" OH!!! I forgot the best part. She is going into rehab! Donald Trump paid her way out of jail! She broke the law, but thanks to the generous contribution to the New York Police Department by Trump Co. there's really no reason to arrest her. I really hope someone prosecutes this bitch! Give her a trial and make it where Tump can go nowhere near the judge, because you know the next week there will be a million dollar yacht in his harbor or he'll be driving to work in a new car that parallel parks itself. I personally feel that it shows money runs society and the rich are able to use their authority to do whatever they wish. Donald Trump is one of the most powerful men in America. Now here's a comparison. Homeless people are picked up on the streets with needles in their arms from psychological disorders, and they're sent straight to jail. And NO ONE feels any sympathy towards them. Right now, all of America is feeling sorry for a drugged up, drunk, super model with a severe case of narcissism. This is fucking pathetic. She actually said, “We all have our little demons which follow us.” So I guess if a serial killer is sorry for committing murder, then it’s okay as long as he admits it. This is sad, and I hope this person suffers for her mistakes. God knows there are enough poor people in jail because of it.

2006-12-19T00:35:00.000-05:00

2006-12-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

I'm not as tired as the night before, but still am a little. Amy and I went to Barnes And Noble today and for the first time I didn't purchase anything. Believable? Not sure yet.

I discovered something visually pretty today at work. I picked up a shiny, transparent, purple cup and filled water in it. After applying the red top to the cup, the light appeared through the clear purple color creating a bright purple effect and the red at the top shined upwards. It was a really beautiful sight. I had the idea to incorporate it in the Leaving Sonja Dearly Story. And perhaps she might accidentally knock the cup down and the water can pour down a table and then have a close up of the water running down the side of the table and transition to a shot of the waterfall in Juliett.

John and Gina gave me fifty bucks and twenty five for a massage. I think I would have preferred just seventy five dollars and a "Merry Christmas!" Here's what the pamplet says about what a body wrap is: "European Body Wrap -- Medical bandages are soaked in an herbal solution and then placed on your body. The herbs penetrate your cells through the pores and cleanse the cells of toxins." That doesn't sound like fun. You know, there's another thing that helps besides being nutriciously mummified, it's called taking vitamins. Here's what it says regarding a massage: "Your therapist takes you on a sensory journey to find your preferred blend of essential oils." I usually prefer a therapist just to listen, not help me choose oils. By the way, I want olive! I've only allowed one person to touch my back and even from that it's too much for me to handle. I guess it has something to do with nervous sensors connecting from different parts. Fuck if I know. All I know is that someone else is gettin a gift certificate to European Bory Wrap.

I'm tired and in the mood to watch a movie.

2006-12-17T20:43:00.000-05:00

My mom and I used to watch a show called "Two Guys, A Girl, And a Pizza Place." Later on, they changed the name to just, "Two Guys and a Girl." But mom and I never missed an episode. It stars a very young Ryan Reynolds. It's so funny, because this is before his career took off and he's fucking histarical! His name is Berg and he's a doctor making his way through Med school. The chemistry between the two guys and the girl is really comical. But I would go into mom's room and watch it on her big bed and we would laugh so hard until the both of us were out of breath. I found all of the seasons on the internet for like sixty dollars. I added it to my Christmas list and hope Dad and Lynn acknowledge it.

I got in bed around 1:30 and had to wake up around 4:30. It was tough. I almost slept in. I got to work and was lagging. I hate the feeling of lagging behind, especially at work. But I poured my cup of Seattle's Best Vanilla flavored coffee and I took off. Even with caffein in me, nine hours is a long shift. I'm not looking forward to working these long hours after Christmas when John goes out fo town. He's going skiing. I used to ski. Now that's a lot of FUN!

DEXTER COMES ON IN 30 MINUTES!

2006-12-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

Instead of just coming out and saying, "fuck the Globes," I'm going to go through each category and point out each flaw. FUCK THE GLOBES!!! Woops, it slipped. My bad. My blog.

BEST PICTURE: Drama
1) Babel
2) Bobby
3) The Departed
4) Little Children
5) The Queen

Comments: I have not seen Babel, so I cannot comment, I have not seen Bobby, but I do not care for Emilio Estevez and I know he went through a lot to make this movie, but it doesn't seem like a winner. Next is the Departed. If I hear one more stupid fucker say this movie should win because it is directed by Martin S., then I will blow my fucking head off. I really do want to see this movie and I have high hopes, but why is it that every time this man makes a movie it's automatically up for an award? Give other filmmakers a shot! The next nod went to Little Children. I saw this movie and loved it, but frankly I'm shocked that it's up for a Globe. Many Globe nominations go on to the Oscars, which shocks me... No it doesn't. Todd Field made In the Bedroom, which wan nominated at the Oscars. Great movie, but I don't picture it a winner. And finally we move onto the old bag of bones. Nonfiction stories are not supposed to always be subjected to awards. So what if she looks like the Queen, so what if she sounds like the Queen? Elton John looks and sounds like the Queen and do you see that fairy winning anything lately? The point is the movie looks like a two hour snore fest. I don't care about the Queen. Why else do I live in America? Freedom? Haha. Mu opinion: The Queen looks overrated and just plain boring.

BEST PICTURE: Comedy
1) Borat: Culture Learnings of America For Make Why Am I still typing this title?
2) The Devil Wears Prada
3) Dreamgirls
4) Little Miss Sunshine
5) Thank You For Smoking

Comments: What the Fuck?????? NO!!!! NO!!!! NO!!!! Oh God! Why is Borat being honored with a nomination. For a while I didn't even think the movie was serious. After so many rediculous advertisments for something which confused me to the point where I didn't know if this was a movie or some Sprite commercial, Borat comes out and is a hit. Why is this a hit? It's STILL being slapped with lawsuits. There are people who were interviewed in the film who weren't told what they were being interviewd for. Not to mention, the film mocks the culture of America and Islam. Not that it offends me, but why praise ignorance? It's one thing to make a film making fun of religion or race and it get a laugh, but why be honored with a nomination? It is an insult to all filmmakers with a dream. Borat wasn't a dream, it was a bad idea with a lot of money to be distributed. Next we move onto The Devil Weard Prada. I don't give a shit about fashion. I didn't see the movie, and I don't care. And we transition to Dreamgirls, which HAS NOT EVEN COME OUT YET!!! How can I know a movie is worth a nomination when I am incapable of seeing it? Besides, the movie looks like shit. Yeah, I'm sorry, but when will people learn that movies like Idelwild aren't entertaining? And finally there is Thank You For Smoking. I have no comments on this movie, because I don't care. Enjoy the prize from the Sundance Film Festival, Jason Reitman, and tell your Dad Thanks for the money to shoot your film.

BEST ACTOR: Drama
1) Leonardo DiCaprio -- Blood Diamond
2) Leonardo DiCaprio -- The Departed
3) Peter O'Toole -- Venus
4) Will Smith -- The Pursuit of Happyness
5) Forest Whitaker -- The Last King of Scotlant

Comments: Is Leo's name actually on this list twice? Is that ethical? First of all, I laughed throughout his entire performance in the Blood Diamond TRAILER. Yes, the trailer was enough to make me laugh at his rediculous accent and bad acting. There was a time that Leo could be the star on a sinking boat, die, and still not get a single nomination, unlike everyone else apart of the movie. I have not seen The Departed, but I must, because if it is worth putting him up twice, then the acting must be supurb... Oh, who am I kidding, Borat got a Nod, there's no hope! Well, I guess this answers the question Amy and I puzzled over yesterday: Peter O'Toole is still alive! Alright, now that deserves an applause. I haven't even heard of this film, but I must find it and see it. Maybe there is still hope with a REAL actor taking an award home. Why is it that if you play a caring parent, then you get an award? Maybe if Will Smith had big breasts he might have won this. It worked for Julia Roberts. Yes, something in me wants to see this movie, but I will admit, the acting looks too good to be true. Of course he might be acting fairly decent, because he's saying these lines to his own kid. If I had to do a serious scene with Amy, of course it would be great, because I'm doing the scene with her. There's more reality when doing a picture with that. And movies are not about reality. If we did, then we'd go buy the Will Smith True Story. Next is Forest Whitaker. But God, this man will play anything. A Samuri, a thief, an now a king. Perhaps he should ask the Queen out. I heard she hasn't gotten freaky with anyone in centuries.

BEST ACTRESS: Drama
1) Penelope Cruz -- Volver
2) Judi Dench -- Notes on a Scandal
3) Maggie Gyllenhaal -- Sherrybaby
4) Helen Mirren -- The Queen
5) Kate Winslet -- Little Children

Comments: Penelope Cruz must do a backflip 360, turn around, on a balanced beam with fire in her hands, because I hear all the critics talking about her outstanding performance in Volver. I need to see what everyone is talking about. I don't get it, but it's like being at a fight... No, bad example. Ahh, the only one worth talking about is Kate Winslet. She was great in Little Children, but again, I'm shocked that this movie is up for so many awards. I'm trying to avoid talking about Helen Mirren. Where are you Elton? I need to make another example.

BEST ACTOR: Comedy
1) Sacha Baron -- Borat
2) Johnny Depp -- Pirates
3) Aaron Eckhart -- Thank You For Smoking
4) Chiwetel Ejiofor -- Kinky Boots
5) Will Ferrell -- Stranger Than Fiction

Comments: Like the previous category, I don't wish to say much. But who actually thinks Sacha whatever his name is deserves this recognition? And why is Johnny Depp up for Pirates? AHHHHH!!! I get it, he's a pirate. But okay, he was nominated for playing this role when the first movie came out, how can he play the same role and be nominated again? I don't get it? It doesn't seem right. And there's Aaron Eckhart... moving on. I don't know the next guy, so I'll move on to Will Ferrell. Thank God he's not up for Ricky Bobby. Oh God, I would have hit the roof.

BEST ACTRESS: Comedy
1) Annette Bening -- Running with Scissors
2) Toni Collette -- Little Miss Sinshine
3) Beyonce Knowles -- Dream Girls
4) Meryl Streep -- The Devil Wears Prada
5) Renee Zellweger -- Miss Potter

Comments: Annette Being was absolutle fabulous in Running with scissors. Great actress and deserves an award for her stunning performance, but why is this in the comedy category? Did anyone realize that she was an addict who was insane? What's funny about that? Fucking people! I don't like Toni Collette for some odd reason. Maybe it's her teeth. I don't know. Haha! Is Beyonce really up for an award for acting? Holy shit! I can see it now, after winning the Oscar, she'll say, "I just wanna give a holla to my hubby Jay Z! Without u dis wouda neva been possible!" God! I hate her! From what I've seen, Meryle Streep looks great in Devil. I love her to death, but I'm not sure if I love her enough to give her this particular award. She's played so many great roles.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
1) Ben Afflect -- Hollywoodland
2) Eddie Murphy -- Dreamgirls
3) Jack Nicholson -- The Departed
4) Brad Pitt -- Babel
5) Mark Wahlberg -- The Departed

Comments: Ben will win, because he's won so many awards as it is for his role in Hollywoodland. Is Eddie Murphy still acting? I thought he was going to call it quits after doing the Donkey in Shrek. And of course, Jack is the suavest mother fucker alive! WAIT! Brad Pitt is starring in Babel and gets a spporting nod? What the hell happened there? His head is the biggest on the poster! And then there's Marky Mark! What, that's it.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
1) Adriana Barraza -- Babel
2) Cate Blanchett -- Notes on a Scandal
3) Emily Blunt -- The Devil Wears Prada
4) Jennifer Hudson -- Dreamgirls
5) Rinko Kikuchi -- Babel

Comments: FUCK YEAH!!!! Emily Blunt finally is recognized for her amazing talent! I hope she takes this award, goes home, and sleeps nicely, because I need her for Fixation. Oh yeah, Jennifer Hudson hates gay people!

BEST DIRECTOR:
1) Clint Eastwood -- Flags of our Fathers
2) Clint Eastwood -- Letters from Iwo Jima
3) Stephen Fears -- The Queen
4) Alejandro Gonzalez -- Babel
5) Martin Scorsese -- The Departed

Comments: Why is Clint up twice? HE IS NOT A GREAT DIRECTOR! And what is up with the war films? No one cares! I cannot go on. I still want to see Babel though.

Best Screenplay:
1) Guillermo Arriaga -- Babel
2) William Monahan -- The Departed
3) Todd Field and Tom Perrotta -- Little Children
4) Patrick Marber -- Notes on a Scandal
5) Peter Morgan -- The Queen

Comments: Right about now, I should give some really smart quote by some great author. Oh wait, there are five great movies that do that fro you. I'm excluding Babel and Little Children. I don't know. I'm just sick and tired of seeing the same films up for every award. You know, ther could be a movie with a great story and bad acting. But no one cares about that. They just care about how old they can make Helen Mirrim.

Best Score:
1) Gustavo Santaolalla -- Babel
2) Hans Zimmer -- The Da Vinci Code
3) Clint Mansell -- The Fountain
4) Carlo Siliotto -- Nomad
5) Alexandre Desplat -- The Painted Veil

Comments: Clint Mansell for The Fountain. Nothing else.

Best Foreign Language Film:
1) Apocalypto
2) Laberinto del Fauno, El
3) Leben der Andseren, Das
4) Letters from Iwo Jima
5) Volver

Comments: You know, there was a time when foreign films were up for this award. Why is Apacalypto and Iwo Jima up. I highly think Mel Gibson or Clint Eastwood deserve walking up and accepting this award. I personally think 13 Tzametti deserves it.

That's pretty much it. Michael C. Hall is up for Dexter in the category of Best Actor and I think he deserves it! BUT WHERE IS STUDEO 60's NOMINATION???? That is a fucking awesome show and can kick Lost's ass anytime and can demolish Heroes. Fuck Grey's Anatomy!!!

I'm pissed off and time to go to work!

2006-12-05T14:39:00.000-05:00

Jesus W. Christ it has been a long time since an entry has been made in this blog. I have no excuse, just pure laziness. A shitload of things have happened since my last entry. Things that really do not matter though. A Christmas Carol is over and I'm free from contract. It is so freshening to know I do not have any obligations. The house didn't work out. That is all I'm saying about that. There is no need to discuss details. Amy and I are still looking for another place. I really want a house so irresistibly bad! It will be so nice having a place to go and stay away from home, work and school. A place where we can watch movies without any interruptions. A place to fight about stupid decisions I made, like needing to listen more and remember what people say. A place where we can hang movie posters up and decorate however we feel like. A place to make potato soup and try new foods. A place to fall asleep while listening to that one CD that makes you feel good inside. A place to celebrate holidays and invite people over. A place to host movie nights and introduce people to good movies and not John Tucker Must Die or Accepted. A place with someone you know, enjoy being around and love. Oh, what a place.... Where the fuck are you?

Last night was one of the greatest episodes of Studio 60 I have ever seen. It's such a great show, but last night's almost brought a tear to my eye. And might I add tears of laughter. There's a scene where Amanda Peet is waiting for the doctor to come in and check on her baby. Bradley Whitford is waiting with her for reasons we don't know at the time. The doctor walks in and asks Bradley... Well, let me write this out in dialogue:
DOCTOR: Hello, you must be the father.
BRADLEY: No, umm, not actually.
DOCTOR: Okay, boyfriend. I'm fine with that.
BRADLEY: No, I'm the executive producer.
Hahahaha! God, it's so funny. No one probably thinks this show is really that funny. I'm probably just weird. The dialogue is written for stage. It's so fast, witty and VERY clever. I hate the fast camera shots, but the dialogue is so amazing, it is worth putting up with. It is so Emmy worthy. I really hated Matthew Perry before this, but in Studio 60 he is completely different and hilarious! The same goes for Bradley Whitford. He's come so far since his portrayal as the villain in Billy Madison. And of course you cannot forget the lovely acting styles of Amanda Peet, who is always fun to watch. There was a scene last night where Bradley was trying to tell Amanda he wanted to go out on a date. Amanda had her face stuffed with a sandwich and the look on her face was hysterical! I cannot wait to watch next week's episode.

I've been really tired lately. I guess staying up later and waking up earlier has much to with it. Finals are this week, which is a bitch! I haven't studied yet. I guess there really is no point. I'm so looking forward to my Acting final! We've been working on Heralds for a while now, so I think I've got the hang of it. I think what we're doing is having two team captains and they'll choose their teams. I don't know if I agree with that method, due to the fact I was picked last at everything in my life. And even if I'm not picked last in this, I will feel bad for the people who are. It's a total motivation beatdown. Oh well, I guess there will be worst things like failing the class.

I think John is allowing me to work three days a week now! I'm so happy. This Saturday, he has me on the schedule to work from 5:30 AM to 2:30. I'm so excited! It's so incredibly early, but that might be what I need!

I watched Louis CK's podcast and it's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. He's just made to do funny things and tell the world about it.

David Lynch's Inland Empire comes out tomorrow at the IFC theater in New York. Then it's playing in Boston, where Lynch himself will be present for a Q and A secession. Fucking great northern states with their great movies playing. No offense Midtown, I love you, but you're not the IFC theater.

The Gingerbread Latte at Starbucks is to die for!

I've been toying around an idea I had for a film. It would be easy, because the location would require a college and a house. We have one, now we just need the other. Fucking houses! Oh, and we need a script. Damn writing. Oh well, it will be fun!

Does anyone else think the poisoned guy and Terri Shivo would have made a great couple? Oh shit, that one will get me in trouble.

2006-10-28T23:36:00.001-04:00

A lot of anger is being held inside. Never have I thought about using this blog as a way to vent aggravated emotions, but this is my fucking blog and I will say whatever I goddamn please! My anger rises because of my home. Life is supposed to be the opposite. Isn't home where happiness derives from? I feel that I've arrived to the point where I'm only happy when I'm with one person. Tonight, in the car I was so happy with Amy. Reality affected me in anyway. I didn't think about the various payments due at the middle of next week or didn't worry about coming home to be talked into what kind of car I should buy. Everything was fine, because with her, I didn't care about anything in my life (exemptions include: her, myself and the conversations we were graciously indulged in). I came home to find several things removed from their designated locations. Someone cleaned EVERYTHING. After confronting Dad and Lynn and apologizing for having a messy room, I received this question: "How many times have we asked you to clean?" I politely asked if I could get my things back. The answer was no. I'm very angry right now! I cannot go out there and sit with them because I'm so angry. I won't sit and happily watch their fucking shows and laugh at selfish comedic lines. My stuff is now gone. "We said if you didn't clean, then we'd come in there and clean for you." I AM NOT A FUCKING KID!" Why do I take every punch thrown? Is it because I worry about pleasing everyone? Why do I feel the need to make everyone else happy but myself? Fuck them, fuck my things, fuck my conscientious self, fuck everything. Me, me, me. I'm so fucking confused! Is this life? I feel that my life will not officially begin until I leave my home. Home is supposed to be a haven where all troubles are left at the door like dirty shoes. For some reason, my shoes are double knotted and I cannot take them off at the door. Wait! My shoes are clean. The problem is I come into the house and step into the mud. This is where my problems start! My problems begin right as I walk in the door. I will admit I should be more responsible and clean more, but I am nineteen years old and have no say in what happens in my own household. Dear God, I will be 20 years old in February. 20 and still living under the "roof" of my parents. I will be an adult. Why am I only recognized for the bad things I do? Never am I told what a great job I did when my room is clean. It's when the room is messy when I'm recognized. When I come in late, I somehow find myself in trouble. Am I thanked for coming in early ever? NO! I am responsible! I'm held to a fucking low standard. I feel treated like a troubled child. I'm not indulging in sexual activities every night, I'm not guzzling down alcohol like a broke college student, I'm not taking drugs to cure pain like two particular relatives of mine, I'm not killing myself slowly everyday, I'm not vandalizing property or participating in any criminal activities, all I'm doing is failing to clean my room. There are three years old receiving less punishments than me.

I was just called into Lynn's room and she gave my stuff back to me.

THE END...

2006-10-24T21:35:00.000-04:00

There has been a recent curiosity come over my brain to play around with various blog templates. I really like this one a lot! Nothing really exciting is happening now. Rehearsal started yesterday and we have a LARGE ASS cast. I received my schedule and it turns out that I'm going to have to rehearse more than I hoped. Oh well, I have already decided not to involve myself with Alice In Wonderland in the Spring. I really enjoy acting and all, but people should come before work. I'm not sure if I regret auditioning for Christmas Carol yet. I'm sure the thought will come to mind later. Dan asked me to play another character in the party scene, but he makes his schedules by who is in which scene, and that would mean I would have to come in additional days. Needless to say Halloween night falls on one of the rehearsal dates. So, I'm going to tell him tomorrow that I cannot play the additional role. Amy and I have Halloween planned out. Well, not really planned quite yet, but we're going to dress up as Mickey and Mallory from Natural Born Killers. Maybe we can give Joel a beard, a video camera and he'll follow us around asking questions. Haha!

Tonight, I watched Monday's episode of Studio 60 and loved it so much! In this particular show an old man was found wandering around the set with a picture from which he took off one of the walls. The director of the show in Studio 60 (portrayed wonderfully by Timothy Butsfield) finds him and asks the old man to wait in his office. The old man gives away symptoms of Alzheimer's. Later on in the show, the director finds out the man was an old WWII vet and goes on this long rant about how much of a WWII buff he was. He describes how when he was little, he'd paint little army men and recreate battle scenes and shoot it on Super 8. "This is probably why I never received my first kiss until I was nineteen," he says. But at the end of his little happy rant, he thanks the vet for his bravery and sacrifice. The man finally begins talking about who he is. It turns out the old man was one of the first writers of the Studio back in the 1950's. They discover the picture the old man held in his hands was a picture of the production staff back in the 50's. He describes how he was blacklisted because of the very first sketch. One by one he points out the men and women in the picture and gives a brief story for each. The show is beginning to get a little mushy and cliche with similarities to Friends and Grey's Anatomy with small sub plots of relationships and sex. But I still LOVE this show! Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford are such a duo. And the writing is OUTSTANDING! The dialogue should be made into a stage performance. It's so rapid, witty, intellectual, and hysterical.

I really cannot say much about The Prestige. I will say that it is one of the best films of the year!

THAT'S IT! I just looked on my desk to find my picture for Jan. I am sending it off tomorrow! There's no excuse anymore! I'm so fucking irresponsible! Oh well, I'm in college!

I want to work on Fixation a little more tonight.

But now, it's time for Boston Legal and Cream Soda.

2006-10-22T16:52:00.000-04:00

This is the funniest shit I have ever heard!!!

2006-10-19T10:01:00.000-04:00

I crashed hard today.

It's been a while since my last update. I need more responsibility. Last week I planned to write about Diviners in this blog and my feelings towards the play. Now it seems too late in writing about it. Oh well. I enjoyed the play and many more did as well. I think that's what acting should be about. Not how much you're getting paid or if you get the loudest applause. I really hate arrogant people. There are many of these types in the Gordon Theatre department. But I don't talk positively about those who are really nice people. John, of course if the absolute coolest person in the group. He's had so much experience with improve and writing. The other day he asked me if I wanted to have some coffee at Red Rooster. I accepted the offer, especially because Red Rooster has wireless access. That only sucks, because my laptop is broken now. John and I talked about so many things. He really is awesome. I asked him a lot about Second City. He said that he was a part of a writing team of like ten people. That's impressive. I told him my idea about starting an improve club in Barnesville and it turns out he's been wanting to do something like that for a while, but he thinks we need more talented people.

I tried out for A Christmas Carol. At first I was feeling real down about it. For some reason I felt talked into auditioning. But it turns out I am cast as as the role of Shopper # 2. This is perfect!!! I mean, I wanted to be involved and at the same time, I won't have to go to hardly any rehearsals. That audition was the longest I've ever attended. Started at 7 and ended around 10:45. We were standing nearly the entire time. It's really hard to stand for that length of time. Besides, by the time the audition concluded, I was beat. There was no way I could have driven home. I asked Carl if I could crash at his place and he was really nice about it. I'd have to say Carl falls in line next to John. He's just a really nice guy. I observe to find people I might need when attempting to make films.

The documentary seems impossible at this point. I had high expectations at first and even last week. I have so much great footage and funny stories. BUT every documentary needs a beginning middle and end. Really every story needs that, but all I have is a bunch of stories about people talking about others and then I have footage of people looking ridiculous with a very high BAC level. Last week I asked myself, "Are you exploiting these people?" Some of the stories are really personal. And some people keep forgetting to change the names. The idea seemed comical at first, but I just don't know anymore. Maybe time has to pass by and other interesting things much surface.

I'm still pretty sore from the wreck. I can still feel the car sliding and then holding tight with the sudden burst of adrenaline as I feel the hard collision. After the wreck, I thought a lot about my life. I guess near death experiences do that sort of thing. I'm in the mood for an Arby's French Beef and Provolone sandwich. Shit! I don't have a fucking car! And now depression sets in.

Things to look forward to: Little Children tomorrow, Improve next week, and Tilly and the Wall in two weeks.

I cannot wait to play with Amy's Frankenstein! Haha!

2006-10-02T18:39:00.000-04:00

I'm really looking forward to seeing more Gaspar Noe films. I remember the first time I watched Irreversible, my eyes could not bare to look away and yet I was in love with the film. I then watched I Stand Alone and that film like Irreversible made me feel pathetic and yet I had to watch it again. I prefer Irreversible over I Stand Alone only because there are more characters and with more characters there are more conflicts. I Stand Alone is basically about one man and his issued with society and his life. I love when films are narrarated properly and makes you feel like you're reading a book. And the narraration moves at a rapid pace, so you have to read the subtitles really quickly. I love it! And now I'm waiting for Destricted to get a United States release. All the other films look so stupid, but Gaspar Noe is talented and like David Lynch, opens a completely different universe where the only things which exist are what he decides. I think a lot of my favorite directors have that outlook. Vincenzo Natali sure does create a world I'd love to live in. He's amazing. Almost as amazing as Alec Baldwin. Haha!

I've been feeling really weird today. I thought I was angry, but it's more of a saddened feeling than anything. I don't know why. Dad and Lynn are gone, so I should feel great. Then again, I will not be home enough to occupy happiness. It's this fucking play! I'm not even that important in the play. I have thirty lines total, four of which only appear in the second act. Mom, Jan and Drew are coming up to see it and now I wish I had told them not to, because I'm worried they're going to see it and say, "Oh, well if we'd known you were in it that long, then we'd stayed home." I just hate letting people down. That's probably one of my biggest fears. Dropping the ball or just not being there when needed. I'm a people pleaser. All my life I've tried to make peace and avoid issues. Maybe I should be more arrogant and stop trying to worry about letting people down. I'm sure if I keep it up, then I'll actually do so. Fucking id!

I mother fucking forgot my USB drive at today! What the fuck!!! I was so happy and aticipated all day to type more of Fixation! Damn it! After Algebra, I went out to my car to get it and it was to my dismay I forgot the son of a bitch! Fuck! So I've been working in the shop, went to eat and not I have to go up on stage to project what few lines I have. I feel lethargic. Oh well, I'll get home and have Moll Flanders to read. That will definitely help me forget about depression.

2006-10-02T18:30:00.000-04:00

OH MY GOD!!!!!

2006-09-23T22:43:00.000-04:00

I'm obsessed with Hunter S. Thompson again! This paper I am writing for English class has fueled me so much, that once again, I feel insomniatic (not a word which proves my point) over a conspiracy that "I" feel the need to solve. This happened with the JFK assassination and now it's happening with Thompson. With the data given, it makes logical sense for Thompson to have been coerced into killing himself. In my opinion, his suicide note is cliche'. You would think he would want to be remembered by his last words. That's why they are last words - supposed to have meaning. I discovered that every interview and written record about his classified evidence was concealed until after his death. There was an interview with Tim Russert that never aired, telephone interviews never heard, and a book that never had the opportunity of publication. This inspires me to write a story. Dr. Raynie told me, "I highly doubt our government wants to kills its' citizens for stumbling across evidence and criticizing our president." I should have responded to his comment with, "Oh, but you think Clinton had the CIA kill Vince Foster for alleged affairs with Hillary." If it's okay to consider Clinton a murderer, then it must be okay to consider the fact our government killed Hunter S. Thompson. This is really interesting: Once found dead at his typewriter, there was one word in the center of the page, "COUNSELOR." I will not sleep until I've found the truth...... or finish my paper!

I didn't finish my screenplay today. I feel like a failure. I have this paper due next Friday and an Algebra test on Monday. Why are these things causing me to put my script off for another time? I just had a huge breakthrough, but it has to wait, because school is more important. Linear equations and the Quadratic formula don't make me happy, writing does! I want to finish it so bad so I can start revising!

This weekend Donny Darko was showing at the Melbourne Midnight Movie! I fucking envy Drew for having such a movie theater so close and shows great films. We have to settle for that shit hole Not-so Great Escape. I remember going with Drew to see Fight Club at the Midnight Movie and getting chills when the opening credit started up and the Chemical Brothers music pounded in my ears. It was great. Probably the only great part of the film. If Mulholland Drive comes to the Midnight Movie, then I will drive down. No questions, no buts, no if's and's or or's, school seems irrelevant when it's compared to David Lynch.

Yeah, lets give it up for torture! (Applause) I'm not going there...

Today, I went up to see Lynn's mom. I had told her I would come and visit and my day wasn't occupied, so it seemed like the only time I would have in a while. She mentioned that her eyesight isn't picking up the television, so we'll end up with her set once again. She's given up one of her old TV's already because it also wasn't good for her eyes. I'm especially excited, because she wants a Plasma wide flat-screen TV, so you know what that means - her eyes will wear out even more and we'll get that fucking TV!!! Maybe it's ignorance, but never will I have an opportunity to watch movies on a screen like that in my house ever. Maybe every time I visited I could twist a nob creating an out of focus picture. No, I'll just wait for time to pass by.

It's late and I have a paper to finish and a test to study for.

I'm going to watch Where The Buffalo Roam while falling asleep. YES!

2006-09-22T22:18:00.000-04:00

For some odd reason, I have an interest to see Shortbus. I won't waste good writing talking about the film, but I just want to say a few things. There are types of movies I neglect to like. These types I am referring to are porno's with conflict. I loathed Baise Moi! It was pointless. If I wanted to watch porn, then I'd watch porn. I guess this proves anything can be made into an art film. I have a feeling somewhere in the US, Matthew Barney is saying, "How do people like shortbus, but hate my film." Different topic, I have to stop myself! Random scene flashes with interesting music is the easiest ploy to get an audiences attention and interest. Here are a few films in example: Lost in Translation, Eternal Sunshine, I Heart Huckabees, Garden State, Chaos and Desire, High Tension, Match Point, Bad Education, KONTROLL, ect. Now Shortbus follows in the intriguing trailers list. I will see it and I am excited, but I expect it to have a lot of explicit sex scenes. There's this one part in the uncensored trailer that I almost vomited over. It's just disgusting, and yet there are other aspects drawing me to the film. Oh well. Maybe I enjoy things like this, because it makes me feel confident to write without worrying about content (acknowledging the fact I could never write something as vulgar as Shortbus).

Today I have the biggest idea come to mind as I was writing another scene to my new screenplay. This hardly ever happens. But it came to me and for five minutes I brainstormed the idea and currently I am attempting to find a place to insert without throwing off attention of the main conflicts. This is the first time I've written something existentially - where all the characters have a individualistic phobia and by the end, they either overcome that fear or are defeated by the vastness. I was worried about this screenplay becomming too personal. I started writing the script only for my eyes to read and to remain in my journal, but aside form sounding arrogant, I really think this is some of my best work. Besides, I'm planning to start editing content by Monday. Hopefully I can finish the story by tomorrow. There are actually future asperations to film this script. I can picture it visually and really want to go with it. By tomorrow I will have come up with a coherent synopsis to share as well.

Things to remind me why I live: 13 Tzameti (Newly added to the list).

Now it's time for Bill!!!!! Bradley Whitford is a guest! YAY!

2006-09-16T23:57:00.000-04:00

Tonight Barnesville celebrated Buggy Days. I still don't get it, so I guess there's nothing really to get. There however was an enormous firework show. I mean, the were shooting them from downtown Barnesville, which is like one block from the campus and it was SO extrordinary! The fireworks were huge right above me. Strike was fun. It took all of us about an hour and a half to break everything down and pack it back up in the theater. John threw me his keys and told me to drive his truck, which was filled with five platforms, to the loading dock. It was scary driving his truck, but a lot of fun. People are so stupid. I hate being asked to parties. It's pathetic when one begs me to go. My explanation: I'm not the party type. I just wanted to go home and fall asleep. And then I have to get back up and drive all the way back to Barnesville tomorrow for Diviners rehearsal. Merde!

The Black Dahlia was actually an interesting film. I think I only preferred one major cool shot and that was in the beginning when the body is first discovered overhead with a woman running across the street from a wide open field and the camera pans down through the alley following a car to another car which our two characters are in. I think I can express my feeling in one sentence. "The Black Dahlia is filled with two horrible actors, an awkward irrelevant lesbian sex scene, sappy romance scenes, nudity to make you vomit, and an ego trying to make the Oscar race." To the right, I have a picture of Christian Bale, who I would have cast as the lead role. Now, my reasons: Actor filled with vast amounts of talent, intimidating good looks, and a tremendous voice that would perfectly make the narraration seem like a back massage. But instead, Josh Harnett was cast. Look at Christian Bale! Not only are the looks perfect for the role, but he is an actor without a uni-brow and a mole on the neck that you can't help to stare at when he's shirtless. I just want to rip that fucking thing off! I think I'm mostly upset, because there were so many great actors in that time period and for Harnett to do this is almost insulting. The Gangster film noir includes such icons like James Cagney, Joseph Cotton, Peter Fonda, Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart (Not a great actor in my opinion, but he kept getting work), John Ford, Gary Cooper, Gary Grant, ect. Now these people are known for remarkable performances in that era, now for Harnett to fuck a movie over like he did is really making the era and these actors look bad. I won't even go into Scarlett. All I have to say is, "She looks like that dead girl!"

I cannot wait to see Man of the Year with Robbin Williams. I don't believe I have ever laughed that hard during a trailer ever. Amy was so happy to hear me laugh. It's so hard to find good comedies to laugh at.

I feel like the whole world is pissing me off. My id is saying, "Boo hoo Will, why don't you go cry and write a musical about your sorrow." I love my id. He's fucking hilarious!

I don't have rehearsal on Tuesday. I'm planning to go see 13 Tzameti. It looks so fucking good! And it's only playing on a one week showing, so that's really my only time to see it. Also Half Nelson is playing at Tara. Shit! So many movies and so little time!

I'm definitely not trying out for A Christmas Carol. I just don't have the time and the tolerance to be at school for so long and be relied on.

Next weekend I'm going down to Savannah to check out SCAD and to eat at Paula's restaurant. Maybe she'll be there. Ohhh hey yall! I've found a hotel room that cost $49 a night, so this will be a fun adventure with a capital eeeeek!

Well, I have to go to bed so I can get up, be forced to attend church where I will make progress on my new screenplay. Praise God! INT.! EXT.!

2006-09-12T16:38:00.000-04:00

My entire body aches of soreness. Amy and I played a combined total of nearly three and a half hours of racquetball. I've never had that much fun hitting with anyone. We are such a team. Literally we are: the name of our team is The Rockets. We're badass! It's funny, because we both tend to get really angry when we play. It might have something to do with hitting the ball over the wall and have to take the run of shame. Or it could be the fact it's so fucking hard to control the ball in an outdoor court. Either way, I love playing racquetball outdoors. Tomorrow, I think I will play with a sleeveless shirt so my shoulders can tan up. I came home last night and told Lynn we played. She responded with, "I didn't know Gordon has a racquetball court inside the gym." I told her we played on the outdoor court. Once again, she responded, "I've never seen an outdoor racquetball court. Sounds like tennis to me." No comment...

Today in Acting class, we played an improve game where singing was involved. My nerves would not stop shaking from nervousness. It was degrading being forced to sing in front of a crowd. Never had I contemplated suicide so much as I did in acting class today.

Okay, so today I haven't been given the opportunity to blog, because every time I got the chance, I was asked to leave my location. It all started when I walked all the way back to my car to get my notebook so I can take it to the library and write, but when I got to the library I found a class was in session. So I walked back to the other side of campus to the computer lab. Right as I went to write my name down, the instructor said, "Are you with Mrs. Pearl's class? Then you'll have to come back later, because there's a class in session." That pissed me off! So I said, "Fuck it!" So then I just went ahead to lunch at American Pie. As I walked down the sidewalk, I noticed Josh was walking my way. Josh is the flamboyant guy in my theatre class whom all the girls swoon over. He saw me, smiled and said, "Hey, where are you going?" I told him American Pie and he said, "Sounds good to me," and started walking with me towards its direction. At first it was weird, because it seemed he was inviting himself to go eat with me, but when we got our food, sat down, and talked it was cool. He really is a neat guy. I get nervous talking to people I don't know very well, but I was really relaxed having a conversation with him. He also wants to be a director/screenwriter. We talked about filmmaking for the longest time, but then he went off on how he really likes to help teenagers. He told me that he majoring in Psychology and works at a community youth group as a sort of "councilor-like" person. It was really interesting to hear his thoughts about listening to kids instead of talking to them. He talked about how he was clouded with depression when he was young and how he lived with it and was strong. A lot of what he told me was strange, because I hardly know the guy and he was telling me really deep things. I really admire people who want to help. I then, of course talked about Amy and how she has a heart like gold when it comes to helping others. I mentioned how she wants to join the Peace Corps and travel to other countries giving aid to the needy. It's sad that there aren't more people like us that actually care to help. If there were, then we'd be living in a better place. Nope, Bush will still be president, so we'll still be fucked. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

As Acting class let out, I walked along side of Jorge and this girl Lauren (whom Amy and I made fun of for listening to Good Charlotte). Lauren said, "Will, why are you distancing yourself from the group?" I didn't know what she meant by that. My mind was saying, "Whoa, when was I even in the group?" But I said, "I don't know. I like to be away from the crowd and attention." Maybe I should write this out in dialogue.
LAUREN: Then why did you get into acting?
WILL: Because I want to study acting.
LAUREN: Why?
WILL: Because it's useful knowledge that will come in hand when I'm attempting to communicate with my actors. I want to be a director.
Lauren: You know, actors hate directors.
WILL: You know, there are directors who hate actors also.
LAUREN: But actors are the talent.
WILL: Whatever. I agree with Hitchcock. Actors are like cattle.
LAUREN: That's stupid. He once threatened to nail a boy's feet down.
WILL: Fucking kids these day.
First of all, I don't know where she learned that story by the way. Hitchcock threatened to nail a boy's feet down? When was this? I know I use the cattle quote a lot, but damn! This pissed me off. When she said that actors are the talent, I should have said, "Yeah, talent. That's all they are." They don't make the decisions, they show up, give their performance and that's it. No common sense is needed. Not to say I loath actors in any way, I just hate when actors think they are everything. In my opinion, there are four key aspects when it comes to production: 1) Writing, 2) Acting, 3) Directing, and 4) Teching. And it's the director's job to oversee that all of these aspects are covered to perfection. Josh and I laughed at Lauren's ignorance later on, so it equilibriated.

The play is going along... nicely? I don't know what the word to use is. A lot of people are upset at the director. I'll just say his name: Dr. Masude. That's spelled incorrectly, but you get the gist. People are mad at his decisions and his style. Are actors supposed to get upset at the director? John is mad, because he has to build a big, fat bridge compared to something easier he had in mind. I really admire John. He deserves an opportunity to direct. He knows basically every aspect to theatre. We built three platforms and two steps for the Diviners set today. It's a lot of hard work, but it's fun knowing that all of us working on the set are actually in the play also. It's like we're doing EVERYTHING for this production. I love the feeling knowing that we're going to act on the set we built with our bare hands. Yesterday was the first day of blocking. Today is the second. I guess you know what tomorrow is? Haha. But seriously, I'm getting fed up with our stage manager, Whitney. She is such a bitch! Yesterday she was called a bitch and said, "Yeah, I know I am. That's why people like me." "I fucking hate you," I said under my breath. It pissed me off when Carl and I were on stage and we were waiting for the person before us to say their lines and I could hear Whitney from the audience say as she looked at us, "Why aren't they saying their lines. Come on. Why isn't anybody saying their lines." That really made my blood boil! She needs the shut the fuck up and realize we were waiting for our cue. But then after that, we were all sitting and I sat behind her watching as she talked through rehearsal. We have three stage managers. All three were talking to one another and Amy (bad one). Whitney looked over to one of the other girls and said, "Are one of you writing down their directions or am I going to have to?" She said this as if she was forced to be doing her job. GOD!!!! And then her cell phone rang during rehearsal, but then she answered it and stepped out. God!!! I just hate when someone irresponsible and inconsiderate is in a position to tell me what to do. Every time she tells me to do something, I think back to seeing the picture of her sloppy drunk at the party and then I sigh in relief knowing that she's a fucking bitch and I'm not.

Cypher comes on again Thursday morning at 8:45 AM! I'm going to be up to finish the film this time!

Five minutes ago I was writing in this entry in the library, and then a librarian approached me saying, "Are you doing email?" I told her I was just writing and she said, "No, we don't allow students to do emailing in the library. That's why we have the computer labs. You can go email there." So just now I had to walk all the way back across campus to finish this. That's fucking retarded! I cannot write in my blog as long as I'm in the library. They treated me like some kid. I'm in college. I should be aloud to write in my blog anywhere on campus. I'm in a bitchy mood.

Tomorrow is Wednesday!!! That means another day of racquetball to look forward to!

2006-09-09T23:15:00.000-04:00

Judas Booth...

Hans Lucas...

and Al Wood...

I just got home from a stressful drive from Barnesville where I was corrupted by fear. Fear of many things. I hate hearing my name being called from long distances. I hate names. What's the difference between Brad Pitt and Ralph Fiennes? The difference is four letters. Four letters are what makes Brad Pit's name different from Ralph Fiennes. Then why is one honored with a paparazzi of people? Not to say Ralph Fiennes should be bombarded with fans, I just want to know, because Ralph Fiennes is an actor credited with vast amounts of talent and Brad Pitt is just cute. But his name is four letters less than Ralph's. Why would people scream his name over Ralph's. Again, not to say that they should scream Ralph's, I just want to know why Brad Pitt's name makes him famous? His looks do most of the work, but this is about a name. I'm not cute, so why did these people feel the need to scream my name and crowd me with discomfort? I'm asking questions and yet I know there's no way to get a response. I really could care less, to tell you the truth. I don't care why or how Brad Pit is famous, I just want to know how not having talent can make your name big and bold and screamed by millions.

I came home later feel even more horrid emotions than when I heard my name being called. Lynn, whom I love, called me "ignorant" and "a self centered s.o.b." Yes, that is correct. She called me this in response to my decision not to stick around after Diviners meeting and greeting everyone and thanking them for coming. Of course, this is what I was afraid of. She said I'm arrogant, because this shows I don't care about my fans. I couldn't believe she said that, because I don't have "fans." I'm a nineteen year old college student. Who would want to be my fan? Why would I want a fan? Fans are for people like Brad Pitt, not Will Lewis. She backed her opinion with several references to various famous singers she went to see and they neglected her and so she thinks they all are arrogant and she refuses to listen to them anymore. I'm sorry, but maybe these famous singers were having a bad day, or maybe they were sick of the screaming fans and the obsessive ones who pushed down the barricades and tried to hug these individuals. Lynn told me Barry Manilow said, "I don't have time for this." Lynn wanted a picture of him, but he kept walking. I can understand wanting a picture, but she needs to think about what he wants instead. Besides, if it's the music she likes, then why need a picture of the decaying matter which projects that voice. People should tell the truth more. If it's his image you worship so much, then say it. Don't lie and say you just love the music. At least Louie told the truth when he said, "What, I wasn't jacking off to her music." God! People can take a page out of Louie's book. Dear God, I cannot believe I just said that. Shhit...

Another thing Lynn said was, "If you can't take it, then get out of that profession." Ouch, what an insult. That's like saying, "Lynn, you can't stand some of your students, maybe you should quit." There is only one person who cares about how I feel, and that's Amy. Amy listened, but Lynn was so eager to butt in and start bad mouthing me. So what if I'd rather not stand out in the lobby waiting for people to come running up to me and say what a great job I did or how wonderful I am. Blah, blah, blah. To me, all I hear is, "You did a good job pretending you were someone else." I'm not saying I hate compliments. No, don't get me wrong. Compliments boost morale. I just don't want to wait around for them and have people yell my name from across the room. If it was up to me, I'd kill the curtain call. You shouldn't have to be reminded who was what character. If they're giving a great performance, then you should remember it on its own. I haven't yet decided whether or not I'll leave. I'm being guilted into feeling sorry for those who really want to talk to me being deprived the opportunity to tell me what they thought about my performance. Too bad I don't care. I'm beginning to feel arrogant. But what's so arrogant about wanting to be able to live without being recognized? I can use the excuse that I'm not good around crowds of people. This is why I act. I just shouldn't feel guilted into this! It's dead wrong. If I do, then I won't be feeling what I want to feel, instead I'll be feeling what others think of me, which is stupid. If people think I'm arrogant for doing what I want to do, then so be it. No wonder Hollywood is filled with large rates of suicide. I'm of course basing this on no real statistic - basically just the fact that people kill themselves because of fame. I can see it happening. There's a lot of pressure when the lights are on you. I'm walking with Amy, Mama, and Alan.. I mean Bob and suddenly we're confronted by people who craze over me. It's not right, all I wanted was to go see a play with my girlfriend, her mom and her mom's boyfriend. That actually makes me look bad. If they cared how I felt, then they wouldn't do it!

I've just now decided to imply my feelings into the new script I've been working on so diligently. I think fame is a disease. It's my life long goal to find the antidote. Maybe people give poor performances to make the fans go away. Who knows? I really don't care. As long as people aren't on my lawn taking pictures of me, then I'm fine. If they do, then I'll let Opie and Ginger out. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings with these mixed emotions. I really shouldn't worry much, because I'm living. I have the love of my life and a dream to write/direct, and there's nothing in this world that can make me think less of either of them. When I walk into class on Tuesday, if I hear "Will!" I will nicely respond, "Just Will."

Where the fuck is McGee?

2006-09-05T21:19:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so today I was given security clearance to the FAA. The place is very protected. At first I was worried (and still am) about a potential terror arrest happening to the building. Seriously, this is the building with the connections to all the airports in Georgia. But then why would a terrorist come all the way to Hampton to make a statement? The place is really nice. Once inside, the cafeteria is spacious and filled with so many things. My favorite benefit of the job is the Cinnabon coffee. I love coffee and now I can get it free once again. Oh I love life! John took me on a tour of the area and then told me the pay is $8-8.50 an hour. Now I'm not good with numbers, but that's pretty good. I can save up even more than I need. I can't wait for the play to end so I can work four days a week. Money, money, money. Fucking capitalism. Oh yes, I'm proud to be an American and I..... Fuck that song!

In my eleven page security package, there are a few things which made me laugh. Under the Employment Record part, there's an area for you to circle reasons why you left your last job. Choice B reads: "Quit your job after being told you're fired." That's so funny! One issue I have with the Criminal Background Record is the fact it says, "In the last 7 years, have you been arrested for, charged with, or convicted of any offense(s)? (Leave out traffic fines of less than $150.)." What the fuck?! That means I have to record my speeding ticket because it was $160. That's fucking retarded! I'm clearly defined as a criminal by their standards. Maybe I'm overreacting. God, I hope so. That would be pretty stupid if I was denied a security clearance because McDonough wanted to charge me $10 over the FAA's line. And I have to make a not so pleasant call to Papa John to ask him what were the dates when we took the trip to The Bahamas, because it asks for the dates if you left the country. Wow, now I wish I hadn't killed that Bahamian guy and then wrote that story about it. Irony baby!

Today's dialogue:
GIRL 1: Yeah, so I went swimming and there was this lifeguard who was so cute!
GIRL 2: What did he look like?
GIRL 1: He was the ultimate stereotype!
GUY: So he was fat, ugly and had a long beard?
GIRL 1: No, he looked like he came right out of a magazine!
GUY: So he was two-dimentional.

There's this song called, "Daddy Never Understood" by some band called Folk Implosion. The song is featured in the trailer for KIDS. I really like that movie and I am in love with the trailer! The song is fast paced and heart throbbing in most of the song, but then at the bridge there's this violin insert and it sounds synthetic. I use that word only to describe only one band: My Bloody Valentine. I don't even think that's the right word. The word I'm thinking is to describe the feeling you get when your tongue touches a 9 volt battery or the feeling of chewing aluminum foil. It's so weird. There's one word that can describe it and it's the same word to describe My Bloody Valentine.

I took an HBO survey on Lucky Louie. I recommend that everyone who wants a second season to fill this shit out! http://www.hbosurveys.com/surveys/ll_eos_0706.htm

Tomorrow I drop Chemistry and pray I don't get a "W" for it. If so, then I'm going to have to bust some fucking heads in! Whose with me?

2006-09-04T20:01:00.000-04:00

2006-09-04T19:10:00.000-04:00

Labor Day is fucking retarded! I mean, I sat around and watched movies all day long, but feel that no progress was made. Maybe it's because I'm not a member of the working force of the USA. If I had a job, then I might enjoy it, but in my opinion, it was a waste. Deconstruction Harry was really funny, and I loved it, but I don't feel I got anything out of it. Maybe I'm being ignorant. I love Woody Allen, but I could live without his movies. There are so many movies that are funny or entertaining, but meaningless. I don't know, I'm just being ignorant.

I read that the government is going to start pushing for Ethanol burning cars. They claim that it's a form of corn alcohol and it will burn better. The catch is they will require for people to license it (because otherwise they will consider it boot-legging), and you'll have to mix some type of poison into the ethanol. What the fuck is up with that? If you mix a poison into the ethanol, the poison will burn into the air and kill our enviornment even more. This just proves our government cares more about lobbying than they do about finding a better source for the enviornment. Jesus Christ! Why don't we just put Sulfur into our tanks and we can be singin' and dancin' in acid rain. Fucking people who act like they care about making the world a better place when all they care about is finding a way to make even more money off the working people.

Speaking of laboring, I start my first day working at the FAA tomorrow. I'm really nervous as fuck. I mean, before, John was my boss and he owned his business. Now, I'm working for John who gets his orders from the "mysterious government guys." I mean, my car will have to be searched many times just so I can go in and make food. And I'm really sarcastic. My fucking sarcasm will get me arrested one day, I know it. And I don't know why I'm nervous, but I really am. I just hope I don't fuck up my first day.

What do you call the place where Ken Lay cooks?
Answer: Hell's Kitchen

Yay! Improve tomorrow at eleven.

Nothing interesting here to read. Move along, folks.

2006-09-03T08:28:00.000-04:00

I cannot sleep. Last night around ten I turned my TV off and fell asleep. Around eleven fifty-nine, Dad opened my door and asked what church service time I wanted to get up for. The ironic part was I thought it was morning. I looked over at my alarm clock which read: 11:35. And for some odd reason I thought it was morning. I asked him if it was, but he added clarity to the situation by telling me it was nighttime. It felt like I had slept all night. I didn't feel refreshed, but I did feel like I slept. But the bad part was I didn't want to go to church. I asked him if I could sleep late and he said, "Sure, I'll get you up for the late service." I didn't want to be rude, so I said agreed. So now I'm stuck going to church again. Wow, this is the third week in a row. And they think I don't support him. I can't wait until work starts and that gives me a valid excuse to skip.

Yesterday, after enjoying a thoroughly delicious meal at Thair Garden, Amy and I ventured to see Snacks On A Plane. Our overall rating: Not worth rating. Seriously, it was so bad. Not good bad, but bad bad. I think TERRIBLE might be the word to use. Or HORRID. Of course it was funny, but really, laughing is the only emotion worth expressing just to avoid killing yourself. It was funny how when an old woman died, we let out a burst of laughter. Some girl behind us actually responded, "Hey, that's not funny." But Amy shut her up by yelling, "Eat me!" That was really funny. The movies really isn't worth talking about. "I've had it with these mother fucking movies in this mother fucking theater." Great escape smells like a Dentist office. Really, take a woft and see for yourself.

I've decided to drop my Chemistry class, because it's way too much for and I frankly don't have the time for it now. I've already failed an Algebra test and bringing up my grade in that class is going to take twice as much work. And I have the play, and I have work. There's no time to figure out how many oxidation numbers are in ionic and covalent compounds. I'll find out later.

I really like the movie, "Sphere." The first time I watched it I must have been really, because I remember being scared after I left the theatre and terrified of seafood. I love fear. I think that's what keeps people intrigued into something. Why else do you think everyone still supports this war? Enough propaganda. But I love this movie, because it's so cool and scifi and has a mystery and the unknown. I love movie where you think it's about something, but then it takes a complete turn the opposite way and you're completely befuddled. The acting is actually good. It's not great, but it's not bad. I think it falls under Amy's list. HEY! What a weird coincidence, the novel was written by Michael Crichton. That's so weird, because it makes three I've talked about: Jurrasic Park, Congo and now Sphere. I think I'll go see if Sphere is a $5.99 movie at Best Buy later.

I really want to write badly! Maybe I'll pick 1776 back up.

But I bought a new notebook for my new screenplay idea. Damn it!

I really want to get out and do something fun today!!!

2006-08-29T12:18:00.000-04:00

I am currently blogging in the Gordon College Academic Computer lab. I haven't had much time to blog, but since there is nothing else to do on this fucking campus, I've decided to record my thoughts. My journal told me to go fuck myself, so we aren't talking.

Yesterday, I sat here on campus waiting four hours to rehearsal, a two hour read through and then an hour drive home. I proceeded to the point where I began to feel depressed about my life. I feel that time to time when certain events create stress. Then again I usually supply myself with the stress in the first place by worrying about meaningful circumstances. I mean, there are thirty-one lines I say in the entire play. At first thought, it sounds like a good amount, but it's diffused, so it doesn't feel like a lot. I'm actually glad I feel like I don't have many lines. But then I ask myself why I'm waiting four to six hours everyday just to practice those few lines. My mom said she wants to come see it, but I'd hate for her to come all the way up just to see me act for nearly a thirty minutes combines total of stage time. Okay, maybe it's forty five minutes. I'm in a pessimistic mood.

One good even which took place was yesterday when I became fed up of waiting, so I drove down to Milano's Italian Restaurant. It was nice. I sat at a table by myself with David Mamet in hand and enjoyed a delicious calzone. While I was eating, a woman sitting at a table across from mine, approached me on her way out with a slip of paper which she placed in from of me. It was a five dollar gift certificate for Milano's. "Here, I have an extra one," said the woman. I thanked her graciously and she exited. It was the strangest thing. I had to pay two dollars for my seven dollar meal.

I just got out of Acting class and we didn't act today, but instead we had a conversation about acting. Dr. Dan sat in front of us and asked us, "What is acting?" The girl next to me spoke up and said, "Life." I wanted to laugh. I hate when people act so pretentious. What kind of response is, Life? Then of course more people indulged themselves into the conversation and gave responses like, "It's being who you aren't", "Stepping out of yourself to make yourself over to another person", "Expressing yourself by transformation." I, on the other hand feel that it depends on the actor. Every actor is different. And then Dan talked about persona for a while and how people see you in public is different than whose you really are in some other types of situations. The conversations deeply transitioned many times into other topics. We talked about many acting scholars. Of course it's weird, because I don't really think of myself as an actor. I think more in my head about the actual presentations of all elements. To me, acting is 1/5 of life (in response to that girl's quote). A lot of what we discussed is what actors desire. Some desire the applause at the end (Dan) and some act because it's what they love doing. Like I said, every actor or actress is different. Fucking standards trying to eliminate the word actress. They should have a word for female directors. Like Directress. I like that! But back on the point, my opinion is you cannot hold and individual actor to a certain standard. There are different types of actors and different methods individuals use, but no actor is the same. And of course some people will then ask, "what makes actors similar?" There are key elements that many actors use. There are method actors which directors tend to hate. These are the actors who add more of a psychological mix to the pot. They tend to think of a depressing moment to pull up tears or physically morph themselves into the role, but is that acting? It goes back to what that girl said, it's life. Is running all night long just to get the physical appearance real life? Dustin Hoffman did that in Marathon Man. He showed up the next day physically a mess and the director said, "Okay, that's interesting. Now act." To me, acting requires no pre-planning. It should be there when it's needed. Me, for film, if I say "action" I want the actor to be able to suddenly be in the role. Dan told us that he could be telling a joke on the side and suddenly go out on stage and perform a sad scene. But back to method acting. My opinion has nothing to do with the actors themselves, just the method they use. I love Dustin Hoffman and Al Pachino, but I frankly don't care how they get into character. It should be stated clearly in the script their every movement and emotion to express and all I care is getting that shot. Anyone can run all night and physically look the role. I can put a blindfold over my eyes for a month and then physically look the role. Hell, I can watch five million videos of Truman Capote and physically look the role. It was Hitchcock who said, "Actors are cattle." And yes, I might sound ignorant, but like I said everyone has a different opinion when it comes to acting.

It's almost one. That means eight more hours to go.

Hollywoodland comes out next Friday!!! I'm siked!

Maybe I feel depressed because Lucky Louie is over.

I'm going to start working again. I think if I work on Saturdays, that will give me an opportunity to make enough money to save. Of course I will be miserable from exhaustion, but I will be one happy American who earns a paycheck again.

In the words of The Great Chris Farley, "I'm gonna go pick a fight!"

2006-08-20T21:24:00.000-04:00

I'm still mad at you, Blogger!

2006-08-19T22:10:00.000-04:00

I just got finished writing a long blog entry and it erased. Fuck you god damn blogger! Mother fucking cunt sucking FUCK!

GOD! I want to fucking scream!

This really really really pissed me off. I don't get mad, but this has done it.

Fuck you, blogger!

2006-08-17T19:38:00.000-04:00

I'm so incredibly tired from working on set today at the Gordon theater. I worked from one until five cleaning, moving heavy stage equipment, assorting lights, sorting through broken pieces of wooden boards and taking them all the way to the trash ramp. It's so exhausting. Five hours down and thirty five more to go in order to achieve that A!

While moving stage equipment John and I were talking. I might want to establish who John is. He's the Head Theater Set Designer Shop Guy. I guess he's a student who works for Dan and the theater organization. He's a really cool guy. When he dropped a piece of wood he yelled, "Shit! Oh, I hope profanity doesn't offend you." I said no and he said, "Good. They used to tell people who were new and looking for me, 'follow the sound of the saw and profanity.'" And this is really funny! When we had to move a large wooden crate-like box, he said, "We're going to need help. I'll get Salvador." Expecting a janitor or some other type of worker, I was befuddled when he rolled in a small pull dolly with dried paint splashed all over it. He brought the dolly up to me and said, "Will, this is Salvador." I wanted to laugh in the way when I watch Lucky Louie with Amy, but I allowed a subtle laugh to come out. Another funny thing John said was when another guy worker, Caleb walked in with lights. Caleb said, "The strings that hold these lights is made out of asbestos. We're going to have to throw them out." I smirked but John said, "Yeah, it's a health hazard, but now we're going to be safe asbestos we can. Again, I wanted to roll in a corner, but I laughed subtly. It was a lot fo fun. I was working for John, but he was so cool he really didn't seem like a boss. After I finished sweeping he told me I could go ahead and sign out and make it where I was here until five (it was 4:45 at the time) which really made me happy. He told me that I just have to do this nine more times and then I'll have an A for the course.

Here's the letter I wrote to HBO:

Dear HBO,

Lucky Louie has become my favorite show. Never before have I really been interested in watching television programs, but unlike any of the ones I watch occasionally, this show has everything. It's original, independently funded, and goes (subject wise) where every show dares not to go. There needs to be more shows like this to prove TV is worth watching. Recently, I received On Demand just so I can watch all the episodes. As a consumer I wanted to express my opinion and hope that another season is created. HBO selected a great choice picking up Lucky Louie and I hope the show will continue to make millions of others including myself laugh harder than I have ever laughed. Thank you for your time and I wish best of luck with further programming.

-Will Lewis
HBO Subscriber.

Go ahead, call me a fucking moron. I originally wrote this at 2:00 AM after watching Sunday's Lucky Louie episode. Of course the morning after, I woke up and reread this message and felt ill. Some HBO intern will probably read it and laugh. I made so many recent changes to the letter subject wise and grammar wise. I shouldn't write at 2:00 AM. It makes me look like a slob. Then again I'm writing to request another season on the air about a freckled idiot who masturbates to Jessica Simpson, bought a $300 Frankenstein doll, obsessively fights with his wife, has a friend who can only say "faggot" and "cum", hates his daughter, is nice to his neighbor just because he's black, doesn't have a job, and hates his life. But you know something - - I love it!

Tomorrow Amy and I are planning to see "The Oh in Ohio." I'm so excited about this movie! It looks so funny! I think Paul Rudd's character is what I like most, just because the acting is so great! He's so pissed off all the time because he feels like a failure when it comes to his sex life with his wife. There's a scene with him at school kicking a soda machine, drinking a paper bagged beer, and throwing down a cup of coffee and stomping it. The way he says, "Do you have any idea what your frigitity has done to me?" And when he receives a response the look on his face is enough to kill you from laughing uncontrollably.

Well now it's time for Algebra homework...

2006-08-15T08:17:00.000-04:00

School started back and I guess I'm happy about the whole thing. My day started out at 6:00 A.M. when I awoke to be on 1941 by 7. I arrived and acquired my good parking space. Oh, I forgot: as I was driving the usual speeding limit I was passed many, many, many times my incoming freshman unfamiliar to the cops of Lamar County. Oh well, they'll lear the hard way. Either they'll get a ticket, die, or get syphilis.

My English class is going to be interesting. Professor Raynie does seem cool and smart like I heard. My English class ends at 8:50 and my next class is at 12:00. That's a good gap. On Wednesday, I'm bringing my racquetball equipment! Next class was Chemistry. I wasn't as intimidated as I planned to become. Of course my professor is a old army veteran who worked in labs testing nuclear weaponry. I'm sure we'll get together just fine. (insert smiley) He wrote on the board: 3 x = 6. "This is the hardest math you will do this year," he told us, "The catch is, you have no idea how many different ways to reword this problem." Equations. Shiit. OH MY GOD! We had to go around the room and say aloud: 1) Our name, 2) Home, 3) Major, 4) Why we're taking this class, and 4) Two interesting facts about us. It was so nervewrecking! I hate talking in front of new people. My foot was shaking on high this time. And I could feel my heart pounding through my chest. "Hi, I'm Will, I live in McDonough, I'm a theater major, I'm taking the class because it's a prereq for a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in film school, and I write screenplays and make short films. Later on he talked about a student he used to have who was a theater major, came in the class and made an A. He is now at NYU doing film production. "So that means I have great expectations for you," he told me. GARSH! Fuuck. After that was Algebra. In walks a man two shades darker than Abu from The Simpsons (not to mention three syllables off). He doesn't seem to be terribly hard though, which is good, but he does move along fast. Yesterday we already went into the review section of the text and given a homework assignment. For the first time in my fucking life, I was given a math homework assignment and was thrilled about the work. What the fuck it wrong with me? I came home and I was so excited to getting my work on, so I worked out all the problem, checked my answers and BAM, all right. Of course it's a review, but I think I might have found my groove with math.

I saw so many fucking people I knew. I hate it! One of the reasons Gordon was so appealing was the fact I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. There must have been seven people to approach me. And the bad thing was I used to be good at coming up with excuses to get out of conversations. "I'm late for Algebra" worked nicely. Now I find myself dodging people just to avoid a conversation. Jessica McKenzie was one of the worst. I hear, "Weeyall!" I turned to find Jessica and I just wanted to yell, "Oh fucking shit no!" God it was awkward. But I almost burst out laughing after a while due to the fact I was thinking in my mind about Amy doing an impression of her. "Amahy, ah gloooed mah fangers togather." Awwwww. If I see someone I know from now on I'll do what Bill Murray did in Groundhogs Day.
NED: PHIL????????!!!!!!
PHIL: NED! (Punches him in the face).

I really, really hope Amy's day went great. I know she was waking up early to see if her classed could be dropped and new ones added to better fit her working schedule. I think I'll kill a Sociology major for her. One of my annoying conversations was with someone who said, "Hey, I saw Amy today." I hyped up and said, "Where? Where? Where?" I hope we can arrange for lunch a day. Tomorrow I start saving for our trip to Amsterdam!

Tonight Against Me will be performing on the Jimmy Kimmel Show! Don't miss it!

But for now, I'm going to get a shower and ready for acting class with Dr. Dan!

2006-08-13T23:08:00.000-04:00

I wanted to wait until Lucky Louie was over to make my entry for the day. Tonight's episode was really funny. Some parts were funnier than others, but that's how it's been for the past few episodes. God, this show makes me so, so, so happy. This is the most weird thing that's ever happened to me. I cannot wait to act out some scenes from the show. No one will laugh, but I won't care.

Speaking of class, I have to get up seven hours from now to make Dr. Raynie's English 1102 class on time. I've sacrificed my sleeping time for this guy. I can only hope he's as cool shit as I've heard. I really hope he teaches Fritz Lang's "Metropolis." Dr. King told me that he passed out copes of the script and they read it as a part of the course. I can only hope one day I have to write papers and take tests over screenplays.

Today was an interesting day. I found out Cursive is coming to Atlanta and playing at the Variety Playhouse in November. I'm really excited about that! Another thing happened today when I was surfing the web. I watched the trailer for Black Dahlia and the song at the end is the Death in Vegas Song I wanted to put in my trailer! This is the song I randomly turned to while Amy and I were driving down the road one night. The bad has a song on The Lost in Translation soundtrack and I just out of curiosity bought the album. There are about thirty something songs on the CD, why did they have to pick the one I wanted? Maybe I'm being selfish. Just wait until the "rumored" Hitchcock film comes out. I will make sure someone dies then.

Now I'm going to have nightmares about hell.

I really need to get into bed---

-- That way I can have enough energy to write my secrete play.

2006-08-12T21:37:00.000-04:00

I just ate pizza and needed a laugh.

I just wrote a two page entry and it deleted. What the fuck is up with that shit? Oh well. I'll remember the main points I made and then I'll just pout about the remainder I cannot recollect.

I just love doing good things for people. I cannot describe the joy it brings to merely be there for those in need of aid.

Lovebites are addicting!

I cannot wait to see the new Teenage Ninja Turtles Movie. It looks awesome. All five of them sweating as they beat down people and beating them over and over and over again is exciting. Need I say inside joke?

I filled out half of an application to SCAD. I'm excited, because living in Savannah seems exhilarating. I could get a job working for Paula Dean at Lady and Sons. OR The Crab Shack. I might be more excited about working there than learning. The film studies program really looks interesting. Amy cannot take Sociology because the seats are full. That's sad when you cannot take the class of your intended major. If the lady told me I couldn't take Theater I'd probably say, "That's fine. I think I'm going to major in College Admission 1101. I hear it's an easy class that stoners take to get an easy A. Well, it worked for you." Maybe I'm being to hard on people. Maybe someone will drop Sociology. Surely there's someone in the class who is suicidal. Either that or owes the mob money. I'll talk to Salami Sam and Tony the Mongoose. Maybe I should work for the mob. It's great pay and worthwhile benefits (assuming I can't squeal).

I've been listening to a band called Wolf Parade. They are so fun and so cool. Their style is a cross between The Shins, Modest Mouse and Cursive. Speaking of Cursive, I've heard two more songs on the new CD, Happy Hollow. Speaking of Tim Kasher, The Good Life's song, "Friction!" is hypnotic! Back to Wolf Parade. I recommend listening to them! Amy and I were talking about music that inspires you to live. Really, some music just makes you feel great to be alive. Wolf Parade is another to add. Maybe I should make a CD. And I can make copes for people who feel depressed and down about life. I could change someone's life! (Finger slam) BAHM!

I cannot remember what my next paragraph was about. It's this fucking internet!
Mama's Family is on four days a week now. Mama's Family and Lucky Louie. I feel an orgasm on the way!

2006-08-10T17:15:00.000-04:00

This is my fuckin' life!

On the ride home from me and Amy's wonderful trip to Florida, we found ourselves talking about Lucky Louie the entire way. Now if you think I'm over exagerating, think again. We literally quoted various shows the entire way home. All the "shits", "fucks", "cunts", "faggots" really made a great way to end the trip.

I really cannot believe it's over. I have exactly four days left of my Summer. What the fuck? School? Damn it! It seemed as though school would never come. Our vacation should have seemed longer than it lasted. I hate coming home. It's the worst. I walked through the door and was greeted and asked, "What all did you do?" I'm sorry, but I do not have the time to recollect the marvelous time I had and then wish I could go back. Going anywhere with Amy is fucking awesome! We always find something exciting to do.

A majority of our time consisted of lying around the house relaxing. I loved it. The combination of Zebra Cakes, Dr. Pepper, and Tennis is like nothing else in this world we live in. Peanuts, Teddy's plus cream cheese icing, and Roger Federer insults really make tremendous occasion. While I am on the subject of food, heating a marshmallow cheese burger in the microwave creates the greatest dish. OH, a vanilla latte on the beach will give you a tickle like nothing else. There's something about lounging in a BAS with the wind blowing at your feet and Arcade Fire's "Neighborhoods" playing that just leaves you in a state of elation. All of my thoughts will not be in order. Every fucking thing that happened was amazing. I cannot even gather my thoughts together to add clarity to this entry. Oh well, I had a great time, that's the only thing I care about.

I do say, "I'm sorry" way too much and accept responsibility when it's not my fault. "Hi, I'm Will.. And I'm a worrier." I think a gasket was blown this week because of my idiotic sense of self. Sense of Self. It sounds like a great movie title. Anyway, I have issues that are needing to be worked on. I couldn't believe it for myself until it was brought to my attention. I won't waste anymore talking about my problems. I'm not that important.

"Fuuuck. . . "

"At least we still have each other."

I'm a little tired. And need a bath. A bath sounds really nice at the moment. Yesterday Amy and I went swimming and we came home, went to sleep, woke up, traveled and now I'm here still dirtied with the dangers of chlorine. I love life and really feel happy. It's not too many times I sit back and exhale with the feeling of happiness. Maybe I should travel more. I reap feelings of isolation from reality. Really the only worry is knowing what time tennis comes on and remembering when Out to Sea comes on. I really hope we can go back in November. That would be something great to look forward to. Amy and I are going to Amsterdam in April, but it seems too far away. Maybe that's good. That gives a really good amount of time to save. I think she said the flight was something like eight hours. There are about twelve episodes of Lucky Louie and each is about twenty minutes. I could subscribe for a podcast on i tunes and we can watch them on my laptop. Oh the joys of fun fun fun times.

I think I'm obsessed with the show.

Dad told me John said I could work at the Hampton Hanger. That would actually be pretty good, because it's John and he's more flexible than any credit card company. Hahaha. Damn. But that will also be great because he said I can get paid $7.50 an hour. God must like me.

I miss Florida. If I was sensitive, I'd probably cry. Damn, who the fuck am I kidding? I now have to adjust from my nice waterbeded floor mattress to a hard, steel, futon. I will miss going to the bathroom and pulling the heavy, loud door shut. God I need a shower. My armpits smell like kale. "What the fuck is that?!"

2006-08-02T08:36:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in this thing in quite some time. Could it be the lack of creativity. . . Nope, I just couldn't remember my password. Then again, the lack of creativity does ring a bell now. I have a feeling if they ever constructed a Worriers anonymous, I'd be the speaker. I hear if you spend half of your life worrying, then subtract fifty years. That doesn't leave a whole lot for me, mainly because I worry just about everything. I guess everyone does. Mainly I think my problem is that I worry and I just don't do anything about it. I was miserable in North Carolina. I was worrying about coming home and telling my parents I wanted out. In a nice and polite way of course. But according to them, if I leave we will leave on bad terms, because I want away from them. You know, in seriousness, I worry that worrying so much will affect everyone else I love so dearly in this world. I love Amy, my mom, and Ma. Of course I love my parents (the current ones I'm dungened in) but it's a different kind of love. Like the love Dad feels towards Lynn and Laura Bush feels to George. I just don't want my life to slowly decay, because I choose to allow it to.

At Shingleroof, I planned to move in with Ma. I now "promised" to stay just until I can get back on my own two feet financially. Isn't it sad that finances rule over the world and over happiness. I could blame capitalism and the entire wealthy class who set a bar to a standard I cannot fullfill, but no, I should blame myself for wasting money on meaningless shit on Amazon and blame myself for not looking at my bank statements. I always look for something else or someone's else to blame. When Lynn catches me in a lie, I try and wiggle my way out. When I cannot make a payment, I blame the government. I don't take responsibility. OR do I take responsibility too much? It goes either way. Do I worry so much, because I worry about things that do not concern me. (Pulls up a chalkboard) The reason I wouldn't move out is because I'm worried about what Dad and Lynn will do. (Not my feelings to worry about; theirs!).

Yeah, I guess you could say that I don't have a job, I don't have a lot of money, and I'm going back in the Fall to a college I really could care less about going. My life just took a turn last week. I mean, so much went wrong. BUT I'm trying to keep positive about it. I have this self defense that I mask my emotions and try to act happy in a macabre way. I'm sure Robbin Williams has the same condition.

You know, I could move out and my parents decide not to support me anymore. Fucking who cares. I can be happily poor. Honestly, there's no price on my happiness. If I have to make payments, then I will make them. BUT I WANT OUT OF THIS WORLD SO BAD!!!!!! I know what you're thinking: "Shut the fuck up and stop capitalizing and exclamating." It's not so bad just wanting to run. Desiring leaving and not worrying about a fucking thing. It would be nice. I would be poor, but I wouldn't give a fuck. And that's what I fantasize about, "NOT GIVING A FUCK!" I wish when some people asked me about my home condition I could just say, "I don't give a fuck." Maybe that's a lesson to live by. No. . . I'm just being ignorant and immature. I'm 19 years old. Of course I'm immature. Then again, I'm 19. I'll be 20 in February. God damn! Would I really like to say, "Hi, I'm Will, I'm 20 and still living with my parents. Sometimes I think about dropping out of Gordon and going to film school for a year. I could learn more in a year then two at Gordon. Amy and I planned one day that we'd leave together for LA on October 11, 2008. Dreams. Frightening. Terrifying. But again, no price on happiness.

Amy and I are leaving for Florida on Friday. I'm looking forward to this trip SO FUCKING MUCH! And if I get any shit about going, it's over. I mean, it's fucking over with me living in this house. I won't care about leaving on a negative mark or having to pay bills. Last November Lynn left a guilt trip in me which followed us to Melbourne. Not only did it affect my happy time, but it interrupted Amy's happy time. She wants to see me happy and if I'm not happy, it affects her. It happens all the time when go out and there's something pulling me down. But no, not this time! I'm not allowing their problems to affect mine and I'm sure as hell not going to let it affect Amy. I'm sick and tired of other people trying to decide what I'm going to feel. I've come to the point where I don't know what's best for me. I'm confused.

The only thing that will make me feel better is an episode of Lucky Louis.

2006-07-10T14:02:00.000-04:00

Today I had a latte paid for by the Arbitron Radio Ratings System. We received a box in the mail from this company and they had three envelopes containing a ratings diary chart and three dollars. Each envelope was for each member of the family, so technically we all were paid to listen to the radio. The way it works is I listen to a station at a certain time, then record the station number and time listening. After we finish a certain amount of weeks doing this, we send it back and they send us another one sometime in the future. Too bad I hate the radio. This is actually the way ratings are scored. People are paid to listen and vote. Maybe this is the way to get people to vote in elections. IDEA!

This morning I was awoken by Lynn bitching at Drew for losing his wallet. She did not care that I was sleeping. She didn't care that it was eight in the morning and I fell asleep at two. All she cared about was making Drew feel bad for losing his wallet. Drew told me she was going on and on about calling to make sure his credit was alright, because she's so confident that someone would seek interest in finding a 16 year old boy's license and using the license to get money Drew doesn't have. Pointless people. Thank God I'm bipolar. Haha, I'm using this like Denny Crane and Mad Cow.

Speaking of Lynn, last night we were talking about the old Batman TV show and they brought up the Riddler and I said, "He seemed really flamboyant back then." Lynn followed my comment with, "Wow, Will, Flamboyant? Now that's a big word. I didn't know you use words like that." It really upsetted me the fact they think I'm still a little kid. I'm not a genius, but I'm not stupid as well. Actually I find the situation humorous, because I do not consider flamboyant a big word and if she does, then her vocabulary might need a little work. I know because I'm a word major! HAHA!

Last night I watched Baise Moi. The English translation means "rape me," so I was a bit frightened by its' ego, but it looked like something Gaspar Noe would make. I love movies that cross the line and are incredibly disturbing. Irreversible is still one of my favorites and I was hoping Baise Moi would become a contender, sadly it didn't. On the back cover it reads, "This is Thelma and Louise with penetration." Yeah, I know what you're thinking, next film. The film contains numerous gaudy sex scenes showing everything which made it seem like a porn film. I wasn't comfortable watching every part and angle of every sex scene. Violence and nudity. That's all it was. Of course there were a few scenes in particular which stood out and showed talent, but it all was explicit in the wrong way. There needed to have been more story. It reminded me of Bad Education, except I liked that. The only difference is besides men on men, it was women on women, women on men, women shooting men, men getting their brains blown out, women getting their brains blown out and nothing else. Maybe I should give it another chance. I don't know. I wanted more Gaspar Noe and I got Ron Jeremy.

Shingleroof starts Friday and I'm really excited about getting out there in the heat and being off work. I don't like being around my relatives. Ma is really the only family member I love to be around out there, but the truth is I have so many weird and obnoxious relatives that it's hard to get to her. Thank God Amy will be there. That will make things really great and maybe we'll work on stories. I love having things to look forward to. John Ed Matheson is preaching this year at Shingleroof. I usually hate the preachers who speak there, but John Ed is so funny. I also love how he inserts movie analogies in his sermon. He's just a great speaker also. He's from Alabama and might be an Evangelical, but I haven't noticed it before and hopefully won't ever. There was once a Baptist preacher who spoke a few years ago and said . . no. . yelled, "You have to devote your life to our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. There's a major percentage that none of us will get out of this tabernacle alive. You need to devote your life to Jesus now!" Is it me or did he just say something that someone says when they threaten to blow us a building. It pisses me off these types of preachers have to instill fear in everyone in order to get them to convert. I'll save my religious talk for later when I'm really pissed.

I'm putting a sticker on my car that has a picture of Tom Delay with a caption under it that reads, "Don't elect criminals to Congress."

2006-07-08T00:32:00.000-04:00

Tonight, we saw Bill Maher and he was fucking hilarious. He had a lot of new comical material, but brought back some of the old jokes and Real Time material. I still thought he was hysterical! My key points of the night were him screaming and making funny sounds. There's nothing funnier than hearing someone talk about politics, sex, and religion especially when you combine them altogether. I thought I was looking over at Amy too much, but she thought the same thing, so now on I won't feel weird.

I worry about worrying too much. I just need to get over it! Amy and I have the greatest car rides and the funniest conversation. I mean, tonight we were just talking and maybe it was due to the tiredness but we were funny. Think Bottle Rocket meets Annie Hall if you have Kafka running around it all in circles. I think I'm Bi-polar. I can't remember how to spell it. Maybe that's a symptom! But seriously, tonight, we were talking and I swear it could be a dark comedy. Sleepiness mixed with sarcasm, stupidity and worrying about everything. Maybe I should write my worries out. Or how about I just try to fucking get over them? If my blog could talk, what would it say to me? I really do feel like the Woody Allen type character sometimes. I swear I worry so much and I've come to find that it's actually quite comical now. There are so many things that are worthy to worry over. And so many things that await my feelings of worrisome. I should brainstorm. No, it's not worth writing about. If only I didn't think about certain things. I just start and my mind just goes everywhere and thinks about everything.

Amy is practicing tomorrow and I cannot wait to see her play! It's so exciting!

There's like three weeks until we head down to Florida. I'm so excited to get away and feel the nice sun and wind blow against me as I walk along the beach. There's like nothing to worry about once you get down there. Well, I take that back, because last time I worried and it was a mess. But this year I'm happy and will remain happy, because I don't worry anymore. Haha. Oh man, that's funny. It's late and I'm afraid that I'll write something I don't want people to read. And I picture it said in a voice like Will Ferrell. "I like to be baby talked." Oh gosh. That's it. I'm gone . . .

2006-07-02T21:36:00.000-04:00

Dad and Lynn are laughing incessantly to a Garrison Keillor variety special. They made us watch a few minutes, but we became overly bored and left the room. Every once in a while they would call us back into the room to watch a sketch. I tried to sigh as loud as I could to give them a hint regarding my attitude. I hate it because Lynn is laughing in a really obnoxious tone just so we can hear us and attempt to make us jealous and want to watch it. Boy does she have the wrong fucking idea!

The zoo was pretty fun. Lynn got mad a Drew because he refused to enter one of the buildings with a drink. The sign asked that no visitors enter with food or drink and he said that he wanted to obey their demands. Dad and Lynn however did not take the time to consider the thought of what would happen if they brought it in. Lynn got mad at Drew and fused at him. He unwillingly had to bring his drink in. There was one part of the gorilla exhibit where they have one section of babies blocked by a fence. I saw one big gorilla run towards the babies really fast but was stopped dead in his tacks by the fence. It was really sad. I then remembered the movie, Congo. I first saw it at Papa John's house when he was married to that nutcase Martha. This isn't about her or her, it's about the first time I saw Congo. After the eyeball scene in the beginning, she jumped out from behind us and grabbed us letting out a loud roar in hopes to scare us. It was successful. I loved the movie, but it turned into one of those that you just forget. Amy and I were talking about Jurassic Park the other day and how the characters were developed so nicely. I thought back about Congo and could see the same thing. I found a connection -- Michael Crichton. I'm not a fan of the novels, but it's still one of those weird connections. He wrote The Relic and I remember Mom told me she listened to the book on tape on her way to work one day and got to work with her hands shaking on the wheel. He also wrote Disclosure which mom made us watch one night and fast forwarded the sex scenes like she always did. Or I would get a "close your eyes. I mean it, no peeking. Are you peeking?" I always obeyed my mothers wishes every time. Okay, so I lied.

I used to know this girl named Natalie at church. She was always the stupid gothic rebel chick that disagreed with everything you said - even compliments. Well, she would always say that she hated her parents. It got to a point where every time you asked her how she was doing, she'd go on this long ramble about her troubles with her parents at home. I feel that I'm becoming a Natalie. I'm turning into a stupid gothic rebel chick. Haha. Just kidding, but seriously I feel that I ramble about my problems way too much when my own personal life is what is in best interest. That's life, and it's a size 59 and I wear a 31.

Jap's band Esme has become a little better. I use the word "little" very conservatively because I mean it in a way like compared to the pretty boy bisexual sounding indie band they were at one point.

I really see no reason to get excited and celebrate for the Fourth of July. It all seems pointless to me. Yes, I'm happy to be free, but I'm upset at hundreds more our country is represented for. Not to mention why Americans feel the need to get all yippy jippy about the celebration of the Constitution when they haven't even read the damn thing! If they did, we wouldn't have the same prisoner torturing cowboy president whom they put in office. I will be having a bbq and shooting fireworks with American flags. Gee, I hope my fireworks don't hit my American flag. Then the flag would catch fire and we don't want that. I'd be a terrorist. Or someone who desires the right of free expression that our country gives us. I really hope that someone does catch a flag on fire by accident. I want a good headline in the paper right over it.

Bill Maher is coming to Atlanta on Friday and I have tickets!

Now it's time to watch Congo!

2006-06-30T22:32:00.000-04:00

Today I went to the Atlanta Zoo with my family. I really didn't care to go at all, but I have to do things with them so they cannot say I neglect them and use them. I actually had a good time. Okay, I'll talk about her for just a paragraph. I couldn't go to Eagle's Landing to get the magazine, because she was mad at me and didn't feel like I can waste her time going there. It fucking pisses me off! I want to read the magazine so badly and she just wouldn't let me go see it. I can't write anymore. She just came in here and said, "I know you're writing about me on the internet and I think it's hurtful. You know what, I'm going to talk bad about you to people. I have two churches and I'll talk bad about you." There's more, but I can't write it now.

2006-06-27T22:11:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy lying on my ass and working on my screenplay. My screenplay is really kicking my ass, but I'm doing some pretty decent numbers on it as well. I finally came up with three themes to discuss in the story. My only problem now is the fact I do not have enough "acts." I have a bunch of action and plot, but it's not enough to describe my point. I guess it could qualify as a short, but I want this to be a feature. Rich Coen is a professional screenwriter who was a speaker at a screenwriter's workshop I attended at the GAPBC conference. He told me that you have to have more than one act. That's basic writing information, but in my story I have a bunch of torture scenes and I want it to amount to a climax. I need a climax!!! I do not want to wait for it to come when the time is right. I'm greedy and want it now! I do have an ending which is important. My ending is fucking great! The funny thing is I haven't written more than seven pages of introduction so far. I'm almost afraid to write the graphic scenes. I guess I should look at it in a freakishly creative way. It will be fun, because I can torture my characters. This might sound sadistic, but I can do whatever I want to these two people. All of my rage I usually build up can finally be slit from my chest and bleed onto my laptop. I need a napkin!

My dad called me and asked me if I'd be interested in applying at Great Escape Theater. As much as I'd love to work literally with film, there's no fucking way I'd work in that shithole of a theater. I love it, but there is so much that I hate about it. I just ended "it" at the end of a sentence and need to fucking stop, garsh damn it! He said they are looking for a projectionist. The last thing I want are angry parents bitching at me because their stupid and pathetic, family filled Pixar piece of shit film isn't working right. OR having preppy Abercrombie kids telling me their Paul Walker action, Jerry Bruckheimer trash film doesn't match the audio. If I did work at a movie theater, it would most likely be somewhere like Landmark or Tara Cinema. I would hate having the advantage of being able to watch shitty mainstream flicks when I could be watching talented foreign or independent films for free. Besides, if I worked at Landmark, I could meet all the directors when they come to the theater to show off the film. Besides, those Cinnipretzels are the fucking bomb!

I watched "I Stand Alone" written and directed by the infamous Gaspar Noe. For some disturbing reason, he seems to impress me unbelievably every time I watch a film. I wish I knew French so I could make a French film. A majority of cinema innovations were created in France. Speaking of France, I ordered Igmar Bergman's screenplay for "Scenes Of A Marriage" and others. I'm so curious to read the scripts translated from Swedish. Damn it! Not France, Bergman's from Sweden! Goddard is French. I love all of these foreign classic directors. All of them seem so classy and talented. I hope I'm one of those directors whose name is never remembered. Only my work is left to inspire others to follow their dreams. It's fun reading about filmmakers who lived poor just to have enough money to make their dreams (films) come true.

I've been listening to this song by Death In Vegas that really gives me chills. I first heard it last night when I was driving with Amy and what happened was I just flipped around a few tracks, left it at some random one and the song that played is SO creepy and cool! For some reason, I think of "Lost Highway" when I listen to the song.

WOW! I just read that the glass house on the Hollywood Hills in The Anniversary Party is owned by Sofia Coppola. How envious I feel now. Well, if my daddy was a rich and famous director/producer, I'm sure he'd by me a fancy glass house too. I'm going to feel really bad if she saved and bought the house herself. Most likely not, but I'd hate to get a comment saying, "Fuck you! I bought my own house with my own money!" - Sofia.

I'm planning a trip next Summer to LA and I'm already ecstatic! I know a lot for family and friends who have friends out there. Maybe we can crash with them. I have to think about two semesters of Gordon before the trip though. I can't wait to start saving. Speaking of trips, Amy and I are traveling down to Florida in the beginning of August. I'm really excited, because we have so much fun together and we'll always come up with something fun to do. We're like to fucking funnest couple ever. Brajolina, move over for Wilmy! Fucking right!

2006-06-23T12:06:00.000-04:00

The David Dondero and Tilly show last night was a lot of fun. David Dondero played a Neil Diamond cover which was pretty funny. I was so excited to hear Living and the Dead and when he played it, I received multiple chills down my neck. He seems like the coolest guy in the world. And of course Tilly and the Wall was incredible. It's so awesome watching musicians perform so different than everyone else. They all came out and gave a cheer:

BAND: When I say "Tilly" you say, "what!" TILLY!

CROWD: WHAT!

BAND: TILLY!

CROWD: WHAT!

BAND: When I say "Oh" you say "fuck!" OH!

CROWD: FUCK!

BAND: OH!

CROWD: FUCK!

Okay, so I'm a fucking loser for writing that entire cheer out, but I thought it was funny. There was this one girl who tapped the entire role as percussion which was very impressive! I hate that so many people enjoy to smoke. It's so meaningless. Well, I guess it's easy for me to understanding, but I have the right to think it's meaningless. I think it pisses me off more the fact that people do it because it makes them feel cool. Especially the ones who think they have to smoke in order to hear music in a different way. "Maybe if I slowly kill myself this music could sound better." I'm in a bad mood. When I'm in a bad mood I make fun of individuals. It's a bad habit that I'm proud of. I feel the same way about people who think they are cool. I saw this one girl from Gordon at the show whom I just wanted to kick in the face. I mean literally kick her in the face just to see if she tries to keep acting cool. I'm in a bad mood. I came home last night hoping to get a piece of my dad's famous strawberry cake with real berries and strawberry icing, but I was greeted by Lynn who said I couldn't have a piece because the rest was for the church. So a hot pocket had to suffice. Fucking bullshit! I had a piece this morning for breakfast and it was great!

I'm excited about getting back to work on SanguiNation. I am on the WithoutABox mail list and I receive these weekly reminders of when certain film festivals are approaching time. I guess I'm mainly excited, because I'm coming close in having something to finally submit myself. OH!!! Last night Amy found this guy who looked really "horror-like." I mean he looked really, really, scary and yet intimidating and yet a bit attractive. Almost Rivers. The best we've seen so far. If only Rider Strong would return my calls. Haha. I bet I could fucking get Rider Strong. If I got a grant from AFI to pay Rider, I'm sure he could do the role. That would be amazing!

Now it's time for Pizza Hut and a movie. . . Boy Meets World comes on at 2 also!

2006-06-19T20:09:00.000-04:00

For the oddest reason, my beard is itching badly. I thought it would be nice to start off my entry with that. I am mentally and physically - not to mention psychologically - exhausted. Today Drew and I made a trip to Six Flags. It was a lot of fun and we walked constantly, so fun plus exercise = good time. While we were in line for the new coaster, Goliath, a quite trashy woman was wondering ALOUD why the line wasn't moving. Drew and myself were sat in the seats and pulled the safety bars down, when all of a sudden the woman at the speaker said the ride was down due to maintenance issues. We waited the issues out and stood for about an hour, that's when the trashy woman spoke aloud. The manager walked by and she asked him what the issues were. The manager went for a five minute lecture on the locks the coaster has to grip to before launching on the tracks and into gear. This woman acted like she knew what the man was referring to. I found it pathetic and laughed. Another ten minutes went by and she was demanding exit passes. After she left, the ride was fixed.

Lunch at Six Flags consisted of a Funnel Cake, real Lemonade, Dip n' Dots, and a lemon/lime freeze. The total cost was more than I eat in a week. It sure was tasty though. I was tempted to take Drew to Landmark afterwards, but my conscious took control. I hate myself. I want him to have a great time here. I'll lie to my parents and sneak him in later this week.

I could spend a paragraph bitching about how I became angered towards my boss, but I'm not going to waste space. I'm already wasting space for this blog, period.

Yesterday, I gave Dad the Boston Legal Season One for Father's Day. He was so happy to receive his gift, but when he opened the cases, no discs were there to be found. I mean, this is buying a movie and the DVD not being in the case. That's redundant. Fuck it, I'll get over it. I asked Lynn where she bought the DVD and she told me Wal-Mart. (Insert scary music here) After she called and griped to the lady, she told me I had to go up there and get another one. I haven't decided what is worse yet: going to Wal-Mart or being the lead male in the movie "Hard Candy." I'm thinking. . . I dreaded the entire car ride. I was forced to go into Purgatory (if Purgatory had a mullet and spoke without any dialect whatsoever). I cannot even begin to describe exactly what I experienced upon entering the store. First it was the smell. A horrid odor ranked through my nostrils giving me a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I cannot go on. It's too traumatizing for me to even attempt in remembering. Just know that I more likely going to be shot in the McDonough Wal-Mart than Monroe Drive.

Being at a theme park I remembered a dream I had one time. In the dream I made a ride and tested for safety. The ride was merely a regular roller coaster for a while and then at the end, the coaster was pulled up high and then the bottom of the coaster opens up and the passengers slide down a long twisty waterslide and land in a humongus swimming pool. I had this dream when I was a kid and always said I was going to attempt the creation, but never followed though. At least more than one person will have heard of this after I press the "post now" button.

Here is a list of movies I have bought in the past week that I haven't watched yet:
- The Machinist
- Eros
- I Stand Alone
- Husbands And Wives
- Monstrosity The Atomic Brain
- Puddle Cruiser

On a great side of good news my Russian Dolls soundtrack came from Amazon and it has to be the greatest soundtrack ever next to Lost in Translation, Donny Darko, Requiem For A Dream, Trainspotting, Psycho, Fear And Loathing, Natural Born Killers, Manhattan, and every Jon Brion scored film.

My Blockbusters has used films and the several filled racks have a lot of decent movies. I bought Todd Solondz's Storytelling today. I love this film so much. What drew me to buy it today was the fact I think it has the dialogue I want to read. You see, one night a while ago, I watched a movie and one scene in particular reminded me of something Amy would write. I cannot explain how, but I found myself smiling as the scene progressed. I'm not sure if the film was Storytelling, but might be. If it isn't, then I will still be excited from owning yet another great film.

I'm listening to a sooting jazz song from the movie, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." The film, of course made Bob Haskins a living ledgend. I'm being sarcastic. But this song is inspiring. I usually do not feel inspired by music unless it's for a soundtrack I'm making for one of my films, but for some reason I now want to do absolutely nothing but write.

I wore my Eraserhead t-shirt to Six Flags today and I received a few weird facial expressions. The white on the shirt was glowing in the Monster Plantation. I love the scent on that ride. Next to Nanoo's garage, I think this is the greatest smell that has graced my nostrils. Amy's bodywash is climbing the charts rapidly though.

I'm still exhausted. But time to eat first.

I need to shave!